New single mother to three children

Sublime_2

Downunderdolphin wrote: »

I like the notebook idea. Everytime I see him I become anxious and angry. This may help with all that. I can't believe I never thought about it! He came here yesterday to fetch the children for the night and while he was here all I can think about was how it got to this and why it went on for this long! My life still feels like it is falling apart and I am starting to let go little by little, that must be good. We are barely on speaking terms. A lot of texts and emails are ignored? I am asking questions about the children, house matters etc and get no answer. Looks like not only was I never good enough for the full truth but ignoring other forms of communication is only going to make this a very bitter situation. Before I fell for the 'pursuit' phase. That is where the person who hurt you tries to make amends promising things will be different. "I will change", things will get better etc etc....... not again! I have learnt that you can make a mistake once but twice is by choice.

It will take a while, but you have taken the first step. Well done you.

skint_chick

I've been writing everything I feel down in a notebook since I had a horrific breakup 5yrs ago. I wrote down all my feelings and then I made lists of things that were worrying me and possible solutions. It reinforced the knowledge that I was doing the right thing leaving and it all seems much easier to manage when it's written down. The lists helped when I wasn't thinking clearly. Maybe if you make a list of all the things you want to ask him about access to the children/money etc you could give this to him next time he sees them rather than trying to get him to reply to emails/texts etc. It's less emotional for you because you get time to think about it and it gives him a chance to respond without feeling pressured. Men always avoid conflict and he probably thinks if he replies to your texts etc you'll think he's still interested etc when all you're trying to do is sort things out for your kids.

It's difficult not to be anxious and angry - the future you thought you had has changed. But you're already managing fine all you have to do is keep going. The hours turn into days and weeks and it gets easier bit by bit. Every time I think I made a mistake I read my list of my ex's good and bad points - funnily enough his few good points can be found in the majority of people they're not exclusive to him. FWIW I have great admiration for single mothers as it's hard work bringing up children. But you have the reward of 3 amazing children who will grow up with a mother that loves them in a secure loving environment- that's the most important thing

minimoneysaver

So far as finances etc, others have posted above. With the meals, there is nothing wrong with sometimes opening a can of beans & heating them and serving on toast. There is also nothing wrong with soups & bread, sandwiches, etc. Make life easy. My daughter said something to me the other day.... I have been very consious of giving her a huge variety and some quite complicated, expensive to cook meals, she said her favourite meal was fish fingers, beans and jacket potato!!! Gutted, but very relieved. She has reminded me that it is the simpler things in life that make her happy. A VERY valuable lesson learnt! x

Downunderdolphin

Have you got any nice men among your family who could be a good male role model for your children?[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately not. But I hope that I will do the best I can to raise them well.

Downunderdolphin

. Maybe if you make a list of all the things you want to ask him about access to the children/money etc you could give this to him next time he sees them rather than trying to get him to reply to emails/texts etc. It's less emotional for you because you get time to think about it and it gives him a chance to respond without feeling pressured. Men always avoid conflict and he probably thinks if he replies to your texts etc you'll think he's still interested etc when all you're trying to do is sort things out for your kids.

I think what you said is correct about me thinking he could still be interested... not at all but from a male perspective that's probably how it looks. I am asking simple things like what time did my son wake up from his nap because he wouldn't go to bed that sort of thing. I don't hear anything back. Unless he wants something that's it. I asked for everything to be amicable for all us and it is turning into everything but that. I have plenty of notebooks and one will be used especially for him, I have questions and need lots of answers. Thanks for the response x

whispywillow

Everyone has posted a lot of very good tips on how to save time and energy while looking after your children, but the most important is to look after yourself, you need to be healthy! Maybe try and google some guides on how to deal with marriage break ups, a lot of these things are CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) based and will show you some good tips on how to cope with negative thoughts, and how to move on positively for the sake of your immediate family.
I totally sympathise with what your going through - I left my partner of 3 years when my son was 6 months old after I found out he was having an affair, and indeed had had another child with, another woman. Was devastating, especially since we had been friends for years before we got together. It took time for the bitterness to disappear, but you know what - i know, and you will know too, that women are strong and we will fight for ourselves and our children. As soon as you have a routine going and have a taste of independance, you will be amazing! Dont worry, what your feeling now will go, and you will be fine!

Good Luck! xx

mrsspendalot

When I had my first baby nearly 11 years ago my partner left me when she was 18 months old. I was 21 and thought my life was over. He had mentally abused me most of the time since she was born, but at the time I didn't see it. I remember coming home from work one day after my mum had done her usual babysitting (he worked too on the same day I had to work all day) to an unlit house. Mum and I flicked the light on and on the stairs was a note which simply said "I've gone, don't attempt to contact me, my solicitor will be in touch about selling the house". That was it. I remember breaking down in tears. But I wasn't upset at the loss of him, I think I was relieved. I had been so unhappy but didn't want to be the one to leave in case people thought I had done the wrong thing, thinking I should have tried harder for the baby. My immediate panic was about money, as I had no idea what I would need to do.

He too had planned this weeks if not months in advance, as I later found information on properties to rent at the other end of the country, job interview letters at the other end of the country, and he had also been to the bank behind my back and stopped our joint credit and debit cards so I couldn't access any money. I was so angry as my wages and child benefit went into the account - he literally left me penniless.

I actually found life much easier on my own once the initial shock had worn off. I was able to get into a routine quite quickly.

Now that was as a mum of one, and as a now married mum of 3 (nearly 4) I know that one baby is much easier than multiple children. BUT it is not impossible. Your 7 year old should be a good help with the baby, even if it just passing nappies or fetching clean clothes/towels from upstairs etc. Don't try and be superwoman though, you have a newborn! You still need to rest and recover from giving birth, both physically and emotionally. Your Health Visitor should be able to offer some support.

In terms of practical things in the house, get a slow cooker if you don't already have one. I have just got one and don't know how I managed without one. That way you can put a meal together when the baby is asleep and have it cooking all day ready for tea time with minimal effort. I do chilli, spag bol, meatballs in tomato sauce for pasta, chicken and sausage casseroles, mince for cottage pie etc in mine. Plenty of walks so you all get fresh air and exercise (and it's free). You will find your own routine, we all do one way or another.

Chin up xx

whispywillow

mrsspendalot wrote: »

I know that one baby is much easier than multiple children. BUT it is not impossible.

You clearly havent met my son then....