New single mother to three children

Downunderdolphin

Hi everyone, today I am looking for advice to take care of 3 children on my own. The eldest is 7 and the youngest just 7 weeks old. Sadly things came to a head between my husband and I a few weeks ago. I asked him to leave as I couldn't endure any more hurt. It was to the point that the chidlren's childhoods were being damaged by constant problems. Also it feels like I have become resentful towards him as for months I had highlighted a few problems and asked if we could sort them out. Nothing ever happened. Our relationship has a long history of problems. I was also never able to bury the affair my husband had. I was only ever told half truths it turns out and feel this is why I could never move past it. To me half truths are worse than whole lies which do more damage to the heart. He always told me to get over it and forget it about it, not that easy when it feels like it was yesterday! The relationship has deteriorated so much and I think why was it allowed to? For the sake of protecting the other woman, mistreating me, debt issues and I have since been told by a professional that some of the things he was doing to me is without a doubt domestic violence. I did not know that this took on various forms.

The sad thing about it all is that the new baby will have no dad in the house. My husband also pushed me to have my tubes tied during my operation and I think what was the point? Before I asked him to leave I discovered that he was already planning on leaving us as I found profiles on the internet from him looking for rentals in the area. He denied this but really it didn't matter who said it first this was bound to happen.

What a shame for him to lose his family because he would rather protect the identity of someone he was in an intimate relationship with. All this time I feel like an idiot for not moving on when I first found out. It was 2 and a bit years later that he admitted to having sex with her more than once. I am shaking as I write this . I am not sure of myself any more and just really wanted some ideas on how to manage alone, spending time with the children equally. As everyone knows a new baby can throw all of that out. He has very bad colic and it is being treated. I am on maternity leave and won't be going back to work until next year. Cooking ideas, recipes, play ideas, routines just anything any of parents could share would be really great. Thank you.;)

Sublime_2

Sorry to hear about your recent separation. It takes time, but you are better off on your own, than having all that going on around you, especially with a new baby.

Don't worry too much about strict routines, just try and stick to the basic stuff like bedtimes, mealtimes, and getting laundry done. Its hard, but workable.

Its a bit early on a Sunday for me, but hugs to you. Ill pop in a bit later, when I've woken up. xx

SingleMumOf2_3

I am a single mum of 2.. I do struggle I won't lie... because I have had a colicky baby for 6-7 months. But I feel the way to deal with your day better is to use as much routine as possible. Obviously your baby wont follow routine.. but for the other 2 kids.. and adjust it throughout your day for baby as it happens.

If dad is able to see his children and take them out that will help. I know you mentioned violence.. so if he is not safe with the kids then fair enough. But you could sort out supervised visits. Maybe with a relative to sit in so you can get some sleep?

Play groups, play areas, mums meets will help. I looked on facebook for mums in my area and chatted online.. then met them a few weeks later. Was nice to chat to them about adult things too.

Home start offer 2 hours help a week.. I use them near to bed time once a week so a lovely lady comes and spends time with my eldest, helps with bathtime and bedtime. And it takes some of the pressure off.
Also I would have food in the house thats easy for both you and the kids that healthy.. for when you are too tired or too busy to cook. Also activities you can get out and leave the kids to do.

You say baby is colicky... my hv arranged a nursery nurse to come to the house every week for 6 weeks when he was really young.. and taught me how to do baby massage. Its worth an ask?

Cant think anything else off the top of my head this early in the morning... but feel free to pm me. I do moan alot on here, but have been given tons of usefull advice that has helped me, so may be able to help you

clearingout

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I am a divorced mum of three, the youngest now only 19 months and my ex left me in the early stages of that pregnancy for another woman. You'll be feeling pretty raw at the moment but it does get better and things will even out over time - in fact, this morning I realised that I'd completely missed my wedding anniversary this year, not thought about it at all and it was over 2 weeks ago! Feeling very proud of myself!

Best thing you can do now is go with how you feel, cry when you need to, get your routine going (I found it easier with three on my own than with 2 and a daft husband!) and work out your finances. Sadly, the damage that is done to your self-esteem when someone has an affair, tells you half truths, down right lies etc. etc. is great but you can, and you will, bounce back from it. It just may take a bit of time. I am into my third year now and whilst it's been a long haul, I am just about there and feel that my life is getting back on track, that I am back in control rather than him. Domestic abuse/violence takes on many forms and like you, I am someone who didn't really realise what was going on until my eyes were opened once he'd left. He never hit me in the marriage, but his constant anger, the way he looked at me, put me down, made sarcastic comments etc. etc. were all very damaging and hellish to live with. When in the middle of it, you just don't see it or if you do, you think it's normal. My ex has gone on to seriously abuse the woman he left me for (she has had the police involved) so let's just say the grass most certainly wasn't greener. I, however, am free of it all now.

Please PM me if I can help at all. Alternatively, you may find the people on www.wikivorce.com to be of great help to you as they have been to me. Take care of yourself and give yourself time.

Trazy

Sounds like you are better on your own, that way you can get yoursef into a routine. good luck xxxx

pigpen

Ring and sort finances now.. tax credits/income support/housing benefit.. then you at least have a secure home bills paid and food to eat!

Other stuff..

Prepare for tomorrow today.. prep dinner whenever you can.. peeled spuds keep in cold water overnight etc.. cook double portions and fill the freezer with meals.. takes no longer than cooking 1 meal.

get clothes out, change bags ready today for tomorrow.. or if noone is dressed at 4pm.. who cares?

if it helps make packed lunches for eating at home.. I have done this.. or noone would eat some days!

work a list of all bills to be paid and fit them into the days you get paid.. pay them and what is left is yours..

you will be fine and in a while you will see this as a bad patch but life will get better.. promise!

mine left for another woman (who dumped him the week after lol) after subjecting the children and me to years of verbal abuse and mental torment.. it leaves scars but oyu can live with them... He always screamed in my face 'you are lucky I don't punch you because I should' .. erm.. yeah right.. ok then!

Broken_hearted

None of this is your fault, focus on positive little steps you do every day. Even getting up getting dressed and feeding the children is an achievement when your world is falling apart.
Next accept your husband and this woman are to blame. Get rid of your negative feelings. Some find it helps to write letters. Write down everything you want to say to them, how you are feeling and what you think of them. Get everything out, then destroy the letters, never ever be tempted to send them they are not worth it. The exercise is to get rid of your own hurt/negativity.
Finally sit back and watch your ex destroy someone elses life, there is nothing you can do to help herand trying would only lead to her laughing in your face. She made her bed let her lie in it.
Remember you are a good mother, a decent human being and can do much better.

halight

Hi,
Loads od good info over on the old style bords,

I hope things work out for you

skint_chick

I don't have any children but I know breakups can make you very lonely and doubt yourself especially if you've got 3 kids to manage by yourself. You have a few weeks until Easter holidays so maybe you should join a local mother and baby group to meet some other mums to chat with? It would let your children play with others to take their minds away from the home situation and help you feel like you're getting your independence back.

There are some fab resources on iChild with downloadable activity sheets - they'll have some Easter egg colouring in and decoration makeables no doubt. The most important thing for anyone with a busy life is to get a routine in place so the kids have regular bedtime and mealtimes. My mum used to get me to practice my reading by reading bedtime stories to my younger brother, you're giving your older children time and education and including them in a family activity.

The most important thing is that you believe you can do this. Don't let anyone tell you you can't manage - you can but no-ones perfect. Write down all your feelings about your ex in a notebook every night before you go to bed. Remember he's the one missing out on your beautiful children growing up!

Downunderdolphin

I like the notebook idea. Everytime I see him I become anxious and angry. This may help with all that. I can't believe I never thought about it! He came here yesterday to fetch the children for the night and while he was here all I can think about was how it got to this and why it went on for this long! My life still feels like it is falling apart and I am starting to let go little by little, that must be good. We are barely on speaking terms. A lot of texts and emails are ignored? I am asking questions about the children, house matters etc and get no answer. Looks like not only was I never good enough for the full truth but ignoring other forms of communication is only going to make this a very bitter situation. Before I fell for the 'pursuit' phase. That is where the person who hurt you tries to make amends promising things will be different. "I will change", things will get better etc etc....... not again! I have learnt that you can make a mistake once but twice is by choice.

Mojisola

Downunderdolphin wrote: »

Hi everyone, today I am looking for advice to take care of 3 children on my own. The eldest is 7 and the youngest just 7 weeks old.

Remember that on top of everything else, your hormones will still be all over the place after giving birth. Everything else will become easier as they settle down.

Have you got any nice men among your family who could be a good male role model for your children?