Absolutely......fed up!

Absolutely

I think I need a vent... please move this post if needs be.

My ex-husband is DOING MY HEAD IN. He was always a control freak - told me what to say, do, think, feel. After 12 years of marriage I finally realised how unhappy he had made me and asked him for a divorce. 2 years later I finally got one. He had a breakdown (there are major mental health issues in his family).

My main bug-bear is his contact with our children. We have 3, under 8 years old. His contact with them is sparodic. They just get used to not seeing him and then up he pops, for 2 hours on a Sunday. He's not seen them now since 15th January. He texted me last week to say could he see them this Sunday (tomorrow). I said yes as I would never deny him access to his children, and I asked what time he wanted them. He didn't reply. That was 6 days ago. So now I have my 3 children hoping to see Daddy tomorrow but I have no idea if it will happen.

I can't text or 'phone him as he has never accepted our break up and if I contact him now, he will see it as me being interested in him and that is soooooooooo not the case. If you have never been in a controlling relationship, this may not make sense to you but believe me, I know what I'm doing. He's playing with my mind again and it's horrible! I just wish I'd never met him. And seeing the kids for 2 hours every once in a lifetime isn't really him being a parent is it? It's just awful.

Mrs_Arcanum

Think you might need to formalise access to the children through an intermediary to take back control of the situation. Insist on no more ad-hoc arrangements as it is so unfair on the children.

Fixed times and days are better for them and takes his control of the situation away whilst being a more stable arrangement for the children.

Errata

Sort out a formal arrangement and don't tell the kids when he's due. That way, you and he will be clear about what's what instead of an ad hoc arrangment - which isn't working anyway - and the kids won't be disappointed when he doesn't turn up.

Absolutely

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Think you might need to formalise access to the children through an intermediary to take back control of the situation. Insist on no more ad-hoc arrangements as it is so unfair on the children.

Fixed times and days are better for them and takes his control of the situation away whilst being a more stable arrangement for the children.

Thanks for the reply. I know what you are saying but I'm also in the dodgy place of being worried about his mental health, so I don't particularly want to formalise arrangements. As far as I'm concerned, I wish he'd disappear altogether. He's spent time in the local hospital Mental Health Unit. He's absconded from ambulances and spent time in the "Psychotic In patient Ward".

I agree that ad-hoc arrangements are unfair for the children, but I cannot ring him and have a sensible discussion. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Absolutely

Errata wrote: »

Sort out a formal arrangement and don't tell the kids when he's due. That way, you and he will be clear about what's what instead of an ad hoc arrangment - which isn't working anyway - and the kids won't be disappointed when he doesn't turn up.

I wish it was that easy. He and I can't communicate anymore. If I ring him or contact him, he thinks I still love him. Sigh....

If I contact him about the children, he thinks I still love him.

I've tried formal arrangements in the past. They kind of worked until he got admitted to the Mental Health Unit. Now I see a shell of a man who I have to hand our kids over to whenever he can be @rsed to make the effort. It's just all so wrong and worrying.

Sambucus_Nigra

Please do one thing though - and stop telling them when he is [supposedly] coming....

pupsicola

Im not surprised you are fed up. He sounds very much like my ex. As you say unless you have been in a controlling relationship its hard to understand how many mind games someone tries to play.

The way he is treating the kids is awful. Bet they dont know where they stand with him. They cant look forward to seeing him in case he lets them down. Bet it causes them alot of anguish and anxiety. Certainly did for my kids when my ex treated them like that.

I would send him a text and state very clearly that the only reason you are contacting him is to know whether the kids can look forward to seeing him tomorrow or not as it is not fair on them to be uncertain of a visit. If you state clearly enough that it is only about the kids one can but hope he will get the message.

I wonder if your ex realises that at some stage he will burn his boats with the kids if he carries on treating them this way. My ex has reared his ugly mug after walking out of his kids lives for over 2 years, suddenly demanding access.

Mrs_Arcanum

Absolutely wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I know what you are saying but I'm also in the dodgy place of being worried about his mental health, so I don't particularly want to formalise arrangements. As far as I'm concerned, I wish he'd disappear altogether. He's spent time in the local hospital Mental Health Unit. He's absconded from ambulances and spent time in the "Psychotic In patient Ward".

I agree that ad-hoc arrangements are unfair for the children, but I cannot ring him and have a sensible discussion. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes a firm line may be just the thing. As you say he is controlling he is quite probably using he MH issues to control everyone around him one way or another.

In the meantime I would tell you children you hope Daddy will see them tomorrow but he may be poorly and not able to make it. This is not a lie given his MH and at least prepares them for disappointment.

sjc3

My friend had a similar problem with her ex-husband. The children were getting very upset by the fact that they never knew when they would see daddy again. It was causing issues with them at school etc as they were anxious about it all. Very sad.

Her ex also had mental health issues and was a nasty piece of work. In the end she took control of the situation by contacting a solicitor. They referred her to an organisation that arranged for NRP to meet up with their children supervised in a church once every 4 weeks. My friend didn't have to speak to or meet her ex. He arrived before her and stayed in the church hall. She dropped the children off and the people who ran it all took them through.

It formalised everything. Predictably after a while this became too much effort and my friends ex didn't turn up for his visit. The kids were upset and they went back the following month and again he didn't turn up. It was very hard for them all but the kids could never turn round and say she didn't try to help maintain contact.

I hope whichever course you take next that you and your children will be okay. Rest assured as much as their dads sporadic contact may effect them they will value you all the more for being a constant in their lives and trying to make it work for their dad. I do admire you.

Absolutely

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Please do one thing though - and stop telling them when he is [supposedly] coming....

Good advice. I stopped telling them ages ago that Daddy wanted to see them. I haven't mentioned this weeks possible meeting to them. It's not fair on them, and it's not fair on me.

As for "coming", he is not allowed at my house due to his intimidating behaviour. All meetings are done on neutral territory with a third party attending (mostly my mum or his dad).

Absolutely

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Sometimes a firm line may be just the thing. As you say he is controlling he is quite probably using he MH issues to control everyone around him one way or another.

In the meantime I would tell you children you hope Daddy will see them tomorrow but he may be poorly and not able to make it. This is not a lie given his MH and at least prepares them for disappointment.

I did use to use the "poorly" line to prepare them for disappointment. But lately I've just not told them he's been in touch because he doesn't follow through.

My eldest has a noticeboard in her room. I looked at it today and there was a note she had written "I miss Daddy". I could punch him, I really could.

Thanks for letting me vent. I actually feel a bit better!