How to 'get rid' of an ex-friend?

brians_daughter

Not read all the posts but has anyone ACTUALLY told her her behaviour/attitude isnt acceptable?

For instance i saw 2 friends (seperately) yesterday and they both have different outlooks ie louise wants to share every detail of her sex but wont discuss money whilst Alison loves taking of what she earns but sex is a no-no. If i gave Lou the details of my wage packet she would be embarrassed as she doesnt discuss money where as if I told Ali what my oh and i got up to last night she would think my bahaviour was unacceptable ...does that make sense?

I know its diff to your situation, but what i am saying is you, me, most people (as an individual) know what is and isnt acceptable -this also changed from friend to friend or situation to situation ...and that includes behaviour. If no one has challenged said woman and told her it isnt acceptable how can she be expected to realise she is causing issues iykwim?

Ok, maybe she should realise shes acting like a spoilt child but if shes always behaved this way and no ones said its not really acceptable then as far as she can see no one has issues with her.

I would be tempted to speak with her about the hen night and explain i wasnt wanting to invite her as she can come across as x, y or z. But i will always 'say what i see' rather than brush it under the carpet. I can be done nicely and productively.

Then again, if you have decided you no longer want her in your life then simply tell her. How would you feel if a friend suddenly deleted you from facebook and didnt reply to texts etc? I know it would upset me as i wouldnt see what i had done wrong. However, its your life, your time and up to you who you share events with!

I can see the issue with the stirring it amoungst friends but are you 100% sure it was done with intent to cause problems, ie did she not 'hear it' from someone else adn was simply looking after her friends wellbeing? After all, these things happen.

Oh good luck with the wedding too , i am sure you will have a wonderful day

HypnoNu

I used to have a friend like this, she thought she owned me, had constant tantrums when i didn't do things the way she wanted and everything was always my fault and it was always up to me to make it up to her. I supported her through countless problems and was always there for her when she needed me.

We both suffered from depression over the years and even though i was there day and night when she needed me but I never got any of that support back. I'd spend night after night awake talking to her, offering to help her get help, to try and organise counselling for her, take her to the doctors for anti-depressents but whatever i did was never enough.

There were 2 events that eventually made me walk away, why i didn't just walk awy earlier i'll never know but sometimes it takes something big to make you see sense....

the first was a completely random weekday evening, i was out choosing a dvd to rent with my (then) boyfriend and I got a text saying "do you think i'm beautiful?", i knew her well enough to know instantly that something was wrong, i called her straight back and she was talking about killing herself, we jumped in car, drove 20minutes to her house and when we got there she'd slit her wrists. I called an ambulance and bandaged her up while my boyfriend tried to clear up the worst of the blood from around the house. I then went to hospital with her, called all her family and sat with her all night when even her own mum wouldn't sit with her and hold her hand while they stitched her. A week after i found out from mutual friends that she'd been telling everyone that it was my fault that she tried to kill herself because I would never help her with her depression.

I forgave her....

a month or so later my brother died, exactly a week after i wanted to go to have a song played at a rock club i'd always promised i'd take him to, so we went, me, my friend and a few others. I struggled a lot that night, it was very emotional for me, and i spent some of the night either in tears or close to tears. On the way home we stopped at the chip shop to get some food, she started to say that she shouldnt buy any chips even though she wanted them because she was so fat, i just told her not worry and that she looked great. So she stormed off in a huff.
So when we caught up with her on the train platform she had a huge go at me telling how I was really selfish and inconsiderate and didn't care about her feelings at all and that all i thought about was myself.....this is all a week after my brother had died and she had barely managed to find time in her "me me me" to ask how i was.


I never spoke to her again after that. That was 6.5 years ago. I'm so glad I made the break, so many friends have told me since that they have no idea how i tolerated her for so long. She's lost all of her old friends through her behaviour. I have no idea how or what she is doing now, but not having her in my life has been like a weight lifted......some people you are better off without....you can only keep trying for so long but if they only ever take then you have to call it a day.

1sttimer_2

It's hard to do isn't it? Many years ago (40+) I had a friend from junior school who was my 'best mate' but who ran my life for me! I was a new kid on the block with a funny accent and she was the only one who 'befriended' me, so I thought she was nice! She was a downright bully but I couldn't see it. She used to make me do things I didn't want saying that if I didn't do it, she wouldn't be my friend and because I thought I had no one else, I did it! If only I knew that no-one else would be friends with me because no-one liked her and she told everyone that I didn't like anyone else - only her (behind my back). I used to pray like mad that something bad would happen to her and she would die - how dreadful was that!

Things changed when her family moved away (only 5 miles but it seemed a lot further when you're 11) and she went to a different secondary school. We kept in touch through summer holidays, but fortunately it tailed off naturally. Still, whenever I saw her (into my 20's and 30's) I actually felt a bit sick thinking that she was going to start on at me again (how pathetic does that sound!) and used to cross the road, or if she saw me, made ridiculous excuses not to talk to her instead of telling the truth.

Then years later I heard that she had committed suicide and all the feelings that I had came back to haunt me. I found that she was quite a lonely girl, and even though was married with children, couldn't cope with everyday life in it's 'ordinariness'. If she wasn't the centre of attention then she would overdose to get it. Unfortunately, that last time no one found her in time.

I wish I had the guts to have told her to stop and perhaps move out of my life - but I didn't and so always regret it. (I had a great family who, although never liked her, stood by my chosen friendship).

If you get rid of her now, tell her why and then shut that chapter of your life away. Get in control of the situation yourself and you will not regret it.

Good luck and have a lovely wedding surrounded by friends and family you love and want to have there.

Bambywamby

I think you have done the right thing in avoiding any contact with her, life is too short to have such negative/draining people in your life. She will no doubt moan about your actions for a while but will quickly move onto another drama when the attention from others starts to wane. x x

covlass

j.e.j. wrote: »

:T:T:T

Ditch your toxics, as the saying goes. Life's too short!

Not an easy thing to do, though, - people like that tend to be very thick-skinned and it can be hard to say no to them.

I have to agree with this 100%
I am not going to say too much but I have just 'got rid of a friend' hard choice to make but for the best.

Toothfairy4

Thanks everyone. For those asking if she has ever been told how upsetting she is, she has been told quite a few times but she just blames everyone else, for example 'people just don't understand my humour', this was after everyone was trying to guess what style wedding dress I was going to have and she said 'Oh I hope it's not strapless, your shoulders are too fat for that' (she was deadly serious), yes I KNOW that thank you but why would you think it is acceptable to say that to someone?? I understand that people can have different expectations of what is acceptable but I just can't see how she would think this is? Especially to supposed friends.

thorsoak

Just tell her - by text or email if you feel you'd bottle out of telling her face to face - "look - our friendship is at an end - I'm fed up with your criticisms, your self-indulgence and self pity - and your guesses about my wedding dress were just the last straw. If its your sense of humour - then I don't appreciate it. Now just go away, leave me and mine alone - and have a good life!"