just discovered other half's debt

Mowgli87

Great and inspirational post BeDebtFree

de1amo

i am a bit confused--if my wife was over spending to raise this sort of debt i would know there was a black hole in the household finances so it wouldnt come as a shock that a debt exists!--long before these amounts!

tbourner

de1amo wrote: »

i am a bit confused--if my wife was over spending to raise this sort of debt i would know there was a black hole in the household finances so it wouldnt come as a shock that a debt exists!--long before these amounts!

Some people have separate money, they pay a set amount towards household bills but have their own finances that the other person never sees or has anything to do with.
I find it odd, I've asked about it before:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2538883

heehaw

de1amo, it's not as black and white as that, probably because he is on a DMP is why i haven't been aware of this because if he wasn't then he'd be paying out far far higher amounts every month.
i fully believe that this has not just been over the last year or 2, there is no way he'd have been able to amass it in that short space of time and have absolutely nothing to show for it. we have been together a few years and living together for the last 15 months. he doesnt have a flash car, doesnt have flashy designery clothes and we dont have weekends or holidays here and there. we live a pretty 'standard' lifestyle. we have nights out here and there but its not every week, and 1 holiday last year.
this monster, i can absolutely guarantee, has been contributed to by his exW and that ex-lifestyle.
he is home tomorrow and whilst i cant wait to see him, i'm not going to 'greet' him with this right away, but most definitely will have the conversation.

Errata

You may be right in thinking this debt was built up over some time. You may be right that it's due to his ex, and if that's the case you need to know why he kept it a secret as usually blokes drowning in debt because of an ex are very, very open about it to a new partner because they're so pee'd off about it.

poorfromplymouth

Hi heehaw,

I completely understand your predicament, mainly because I am in a very similar situation to your partner. I got divorced in 2008, and whilst I negotiated what other people seemed to think was financially a 'good' settlement (I got to keep all of my future pension and gratuity rights), the downside was that I ended up taking on all of my ex-wife's debt, in addition to the marital debt.

Basically, she walked away debt free whilst I ended up with a total of £30k plus of marital and personal debt (including the loan for a car which she then sold and a kitchen which she’d demanded we have installed – aarrrgggghhhhh!!!). I am now engaged and am getting married again (!) this year, so you as you can imagine that with paying off my (my ex’s!) debts as well as saving up for a wedding, money is tight! My new partner has been completely understanding; the only difference is that she's know how things are from the start.

I genuinely empathise with your situation; its extremely frustrating having to do battle the "monster" that has been contributed to by the ex wife and that ex-lifestyle; I too am enormously frustrated, but I keep telling myself that its 'short term pain for long term gain', and that in the not too distant future my partner and I will both be able to enjoy the fruits of our labours without worrying about paying off debts that aren't really ours!!!

I can wholeheartedly guarantee that when you sit down and tell your partner what you know and ask him to talk to you about it, while feeling embarrassed and maybe even a little emasculated, he’ll feel like the weight of the world has been take off of his shoulders, and to quote from something I saw on a repeat of Ashes to Ashes the other day, it’ll feel like the elephant is no longer in the room!

Best of luck for today – I hope it goes really well and I think you ought to have a bottle of wine or two ready for this evening to celebrate the start of your new fully financially informed future! J

Let us know how it goes…..

Andy

Mowgli87

How did it go HeeHaw?

Pott5y

Errata wrote: »

You may be right that it's due to his ex, and if that's the case you need to know why he kept it a secret as usually blokes drowning in debt because of an ex are very, very open about it to a new partner because they're so pee'd off about it.

That is a very generalised statement!! He could have just been embarrassed and feeling guilty that he was bringing debts from his ex relationship and did not want his new partner (HeeHaw) to have to bear any responsibilty for that.

I am speaking from experience and although I told my new partner (now my wife) about my debts it did not make me stop feeling guilty about the fact that I could not take her out and do the things I had done with my ex because of the lifestyle my ex expected had caused my debt problem.

Good luck Heehaw and I hope it all goes well. I am sure there is nothing that can not be sorted out and it will all feel such a relief when it is done.

pmf63

Errata wrote: »

You may be right in thinking this debt was built up over some time. You may be right that it's due to his ex, and if that's the case you need to know why he kept it a secret as usually blokes drowning in debt because of an ex are very, very open about it to a new partner because they're so pee'd off about it.

Thats not always the case. I inherited a fair bit of debt from my exW but I had no intention of sharing the whole story with my current wife because frankly, she did not need to have the worrying baggage that was mine and not hers.

There is also a little point about my past is MY past. I wouldn't expect her to tell me everything about her past either. I think this is a trust thing. We trust each other implicitly and accept that we don't have to tell each other EVERYTHING!

I am not attacking you ... just an observation.

MiaowMiaow

How are you HeeHaw? xx