just discovered other half's debt

heehaw

thanks guys, i have been at work so just managed to see your replies. @ bargainbetty, yes this is one of my major concerns, live together but no finances are linked as such and that is exactly what my dad did to my mum many moons ago. I am still majorly shocked. we were both married before, whilst me and exH had a very comfortable lifestyle OHs exW never worked and pretty much lived a bit of a WAG lifestyle. Thats neither here nor there but i do now have a fear for my own financial security. I do want to help him but i cannot afford to fling every bit of spare cash when i could be saving that. oh my head is just full of wee cars at the minute!!
you have all been very helpful, thanks

Errata

I think ensuring one's own financial security first in a very new relationship like yours has to take priority - you're both on the 'shake down cruise' as you've only lived together for a year.
It may be that you will find it difficult not to tell him what you stumbled across and how you feel about it. If you don't discuss it, it will be the elephant in the room until the debts are cleared and you'll never know when that happens. Do you want to live your life with him like that?

chickilegirl

bargainbetty wrote: »

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I would like to check a couple of bits!

Are you married, or living together? Are your finances already strongly linked?

If not, be careful of linking your finances to his, as you may find that your credit rating gets damaged too. I'm sorry to be brutal, but I got married thinking it was forever, and I'm sure my exH's current wife feels the same way! Things change, and you need to consider that. As much as you want to help him, don't agree to take anything into your name or even joint names. If something goes wrong between you, you may find yourself paying his debts.

If he has taken the DMP route, then he is taking responsibility for his actions and his debts. It may be that he would be comfortable with you knowing about them, but might not want to accept your help in settling them - they are his debts, and he needs to deal with them.

Help him by being supportive, saving on household costs, and perhaps offer to treat him to things that he otherwise wouldn't be likely to have (weekends away, treats etc). If you want to put some money aside to help him with F&F settlements later, by all meas do it, but keep your counsel about it.

There are so many stories on here about people who have been left debts by their ex-partners. No one wants to think it may happen, but it can and does. Help him by all means, but protect your own position first.

Good luck

*ducks and covers in preparation for flaming*

Totally agree, v sensible advice - I'm a member of the left with the debt gang!

Mowgli87

Any news, madear??

heehaw

nothing to update, still cant get the shock of this out of my head but nothing i can do about it until the weekend once OH is back and i've had a chance to speak to him. not looking forward to that at all but it needs to be done.

tbourner

I think he'll eventually be pleased that you know and it's in the open, but initial reaction will be embarrasment which may mean he gets angry in some way or another, you just need to limit that reaction by being as pleasant and understanding as you can rather than making him feel stupid or like you're upset about it.

TheEngineeress

I've been the person with the secret, and I can definitely recommend talking to him about it! It was a massive weight off my shoulders when my parents and my partner found out about my debts.

I was terrified about how they would react if they found out, and I'm sure your partner feels the same. I was so lucky to have supportive parents who offered to help me straight away. My boyfriend was angry at first, but only because I hadn't told him sooner. Ever since he found out I honestly believe our relationship is stronger because I am not hiding anything from him anymore.

Please sit down with him and go through everything - don't let him leave any detail out!! Then you can work out how to approach the situation step by step. He will be embarrassed and ashamed, but ultimately grateful that you want to help him sort it out.

de1amo

İ would be concerned 'HOW' this debt was accrued as much as the fact there is a debt!-

heehaw

de1amo wrote: »

İ would be concerned 'HOW' this debt was accrued as much as the fact there is a debt!-

yes this has entered my thoughts, but, tbh, thats not my concern right now, where he goes from here is my immediate concern. i know what we've had to live on this past year and exactly where the money has gone so i know it is old debt. have a pretty good idea how it has amassed, but, i'm not the one who can confirm that. in some respects saturday can't come soon enough but in others i can see it far enough!
I'm a good bit calmer today and i got good news about my job, move closer to home with a promotion in the pipeline so quite positive today!:D
will keep you posted

Bedebtfree

morning all
recognise this situation as I found myself in it in January. OH announced he was over £30K in debt and if he didn't pay something into his current account before he took off on a 3 week business trip the next day, Direct debits for essentials (like the mortgage) would be unpaid.

We had a massive talk, very emotional for both of us. I had some money from an inheritance which I lent him to sort out the immediate crisis, and when he returned, we sat down and worked out the full extent of his debt, which was closer to £38K

Like you, we are lucky in that we both work, and have decent salaries, but I lived month to month, spending a lot unnecessarily. I paid half the mortgage, and for my car, He paid everything else, and had got to the point that his whole salary was committed to bills and repayments. He just buried his head and didn't let on, but was worse off by £150 each month till we talked.

it has been a difficult couple of months, but we are on track, he has let me take control of his finances, and I instruct him what to pay to who. In effect I am managing his debt but he is paying it, and at the same time, i am teaching him how to manage his money.

this site has been an enormous support for me, debtfreewannabes and OS are pages i visit daily. Everyone has stories which I find so inspirational.

The fact that your partner has a DMP already is a positive in my book, he has recognised that he has a problem, the fact he was out of work for a while is going to be the main cause of his debt (maintaining a lifestyle?), and the fact that he has you to support him emotionally will lighten his load.

Good luck, and I am willing to bet that the talk at the weekend won't be half as bad as you expect.

We have been come closer because of this, we are now a team and working together to be debt free by 2014, and if you rise to the challenge and adopt some thrifty ways as we have, you may even enjoy it.

Money is the root of all evil, the trick is not to let it destroy you! xx