just discovered other half's debt

heehaw

I'm more of a lurker than a poster here.
I can't sleep for thinking about this, was looking for something earlier and opened an envelope thinking it was something else but it was an update from the consumer credit counselling service. It appears OH is on a debt management program, owes approx 24k which i think is possibly all card debt across about 4 cards. i am so shocked and burst into tears when i saw the extent of it.
he has been unemployed for 11 months after being made redundant and has just recently started a new job which has a very good salary and perks. he hasn't told me anything about this at all, probably scared to. i just don't know if i should say anything to him about it, don't want him to think i've been snooping through his stuff. it's debt that he has amassed before we were together but if the two of us earn decent salaries and i have a very small balance on a card which is my only credit then we should and could be affording to pay more towards his creditors. i want to help him but just don't know how:(

iilg

heehaw wrote: »

I'm more of a lurker than a poster here.
I can't sleep for thinking about this, was looking for something earlier and opened an envelope thinking it was something else but it was an update from the consumer credit counselling service. It appears OH is on a debt management program, owes approx 24k which i think is possibly all card debt across about 4 cards. i am so shocked and burst into tears when i saw the extent of it.
he has been unemployed for 11 months after being made redundant and has just recently started a new job which has a very good salary and perks. he hasn't told me anything about this at all, probably scared to. i just don't know if i should say anything to him about it, don't want him to think i've been snooping through his stuff. it's debt that he has amassed before we were together but if the two of us earn decent salaries and i have a very small balance on a card which is my only credit then we should and could be affording to pay more towards his creditors. i want to help him but just don't know how:(

How long have you known OH? Don't leave it, you've got to discuss and get things sorted while you're in a position to and not pay tons of unnecessary interest.

Good luck.

heehaw

3yrs, been living together for just over a year. i know i definitely can't leave it, he's away abroad with work just now and isn't home until saturday

iilg

heehaw wrote: »

3yrs, been living together for just over a year. i know i definitely can't leave it, he's away abroad with work just now and isn't home until saturday

I see - one year living together is not that long (as far as total trust goes) so it makes a bit more sense. Depends on individual personalities of course but if it were me (a simple northern bloke) I'd like to bring it up matter-of-factingly over the w/end and decide on a sensible course of action re the debts.

I don't think the word snooping comes into it. Just do it.

Yargo1

Heehaw, you sound like you are understanding about it... your oh is lucky..

i told mine this weekend.. as it was coming up a year living together.. so i totally agree that it is still within the time that it may not have been a necessity to have told you..but it is now...

He will prob be glad if you bring it up somehow.. and especially that you seem supportive to him. x

Errata

was looking for something earlier and opened an envelope thinking it was something else but it was an update from the consumer credit counselling service.

TBH if he didn't want you to know about it he would have made damn sure there was absolutely no evidence of it lying around that you could stumble across.
What to do? Tell him you stumbled across it and it's absolutely terrifying you. Ask him if he's got it all under control so you can stop feeling terrified.

bargainbetty

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I would like to check a couple of bits!

Are you married, or living together? Are your finances already strongly linked?

If not, be careful of linking your finances to his, as you may find that your credit rating gets damaged too. I'm sorry to be brutal, but I got married thinking it was forever, and I'm sure my exH's current wife feels the same way! Things change, and you need to consider that. As much as you want to help him, don't agree to take anything into your name or even joint names. If something goes wrong between you, you may find yourself paying his debts.

If he has taken the DMP route, then he is taking responsibility for his actions and his debts. It may be that he would be comfortable with you knowing about them, but might not want to accept your help in settling them - they are his debts, and he needs to deal with them.

Help him by being supportive, saving on household costs, and perhaps offer to treat him to things that he otherwise wouldn't be likely to have (weekends away, treats etc). If you want to put some money aside to help him with F&F settlements later, by all meas do it, but keep your counsel about it.

There are so many stories on here about people who have been left debts by their ex-partners. No one wants to think it may happen, but it can and does. Help him by all means, but protect your own position first.

Good luck

*ducks and covers in preparation for flaming*

Dabooka

Hi there,

Just wanted to say I think Betty above is talking total sense. Especially the bit about being finacially linked and not doing it if not already.

tbourner

You don't have to link your finances though really, just say you'll help him out if you've got any spare one month, as long as he pays it straight onto debt (don't know if he's a big spender? He might turn into one if he's got a new flush job).

I'd suggest approaching it like "We need to talk, I was looking for xyx and I found this letter, I'm so glad you're doing the right thing going on a DMP, but if you need to tell me anything you can do, I'd like to help any way I can especially if it's going to get it paid off quicker.". Try to avoid negatives like "Why didn't you tell me" and "I'm appalled you could be so silly".

Butti

heehaw wrote: »

, was looking for something earlier and opened an envelope thinking it was something else but it was an update from the consumer credit counselling service.

i want to help him but just don't know how:(

Hi,

I think that is your answer in two sentences. You tell him exactly what you have told us - everyone opens an envelope from time to time that turns out not to be theirs. Then you tell him that although you recognise it is his problem, is there anything you can do to help him.

I think it will be a huge relief for him.

B

sickasachip13

Like the others I'm sure he'll be relieved its out in the open. He might be quite embarrassed or ashamed about the debt - many of us are!

At least he's in a DMP and is obviously making payments, this is good, he's trying to sort it out.

Just tell him you opened it by accident and while you were a bit surprised you're pleased that he's taking decisive and sensible action on the debt, and just let him talk to you about it.