I'm not quite sure how to help

onlyroz

Sounds to me like she needs a job or a hobby of her own.

Jinx

I think she needs to redress the power/financial balance in their relationship. For me that would mean getting a job so that I had my own income even if its only a few part time hours (pref when hubby is home so that childcare isnt an issue) Also she needs an interest of her own, nightschool, seeing friends, zumba dancing - whatever- to give her a personal boost and something of her own. Plus this might give her a better idea of life outside the family unit to see whether it would be something she REALLY wants...we all know the grass is not always greener.

Errata

Some blokes need an escape to enable them to function as well as they possibly can as a husband and father. This bloke has already made an adjustment to the time he spends on his hobbies, so he's not inflexible. Additionally, the wife knew how much time he spent on his hobbies before they married and was happy to marry him.
I think she needs to get a life of her own outwith husband and kids: a walking group would cost nothing, nor would jogging, nor would very intricate needlework, nor would joining the library - the list of relatively cost free interests is endless.
The question of how much cash the husband spends on his hobbies is an entirely different one to how much time he spends on them. The wife needs to be very clear in her own mind which of these irritates her the most, and come up with some clear and firm proposals on how to redress the balance.
The fact that the husband feels his wife, children and interests are central to his life and well being and what keeps him going so he can work and provide for his family is just that, it doesn't mean that he's giving them all equal weight - but that's how the wife has interpreted it.
If the wife is crying on a friend's shoulder about how badly done to she is, and she's been putting up with it for seven years, that's a conversation and weepathon she should be having with her husband, and with him negotiate a better family life for both of them

belfastgirl23

I kind of think that your friend has a hard decision to make. At the minute she's tearing herself apart worrying about this. But at the end of the day her choice is simple. Either she accepts his hobbies or she doesn't. And this is a decision only she can make.

He has already tried to make some accommodation to her by cutting down on his time doing them. And I don't think it should be a problem that he prioritises his hobbies alongside the family, as the others say it's only if he's putting them ahead of the family that I'd be worried. Perhaps as a friend it might be worth gently reminding her that she wanted the children more than he did as well?

I also agree that she needs a job - this sounds like a classic case where you're transferring the real problem onto something else.

ailuro2

from my point of view he needs to put a time limit on it, it's perfectly healthy for people to have hobbies, but not so good when they start taking up lots of family time...

The kids are obviously young, so he could work on his trains at night after they are in bed a couple of nights a week, which would free up one day at the weekend to spend time with his family.

I agree that the wife needs to get out more too, and give him a taste of what it's like to be stuck at home with kids.

meritaten

sorry - I got a bit carried away and forgot to post the original advice I had in mind! which was - it sounds as if your friends OH is willing to compromise, as he HAS cut down on hobby time! at least he puts his wife and kids in the centre of his life, albeit with hobbies included! if you friend is still not happy - what would make her happy? should her OH cut hobbies out completely? cos thats not fair to him - or would a little tweaking of the timing suffice? I know where she is coming from - but over the years I got so used to HIS hobby that I really resent the fact he is now retired from that flaming game and is now nagging me to go here there and everywhere with him! all I want now is to enjoy some peace at last now the kids have flown the nest! now the ruddy man WANTS my company!!!! ROFL - we should be careful what we wish for - we may well get it!!!

and for those who got annoyed, upset etc on my behalf - thank you but its ok now - it was a long time ago and tbh, I coped then and it made me stronger! I learned to rely only on myself and it taught me some valuable lessons!

Janey3

Look on the bright side, at least your friend knows where he is - in the shed playing with his train!

I feel your friend should develop some sort of interests of her own.

Although, I can see her point about the financial side regarding his hobbies.