I'm not quite sure how to help

[Deleted User]

A friend of mine was round this evening, she's just left to go home but i'm left kind of feeling helpless and apart from the usual reassurring noises and general support, i don't quite know what else to say.

Basically she's been happily married for 7 years they have children and both partners love each other and have never strayed. But within the whole time of their relationship he has always put his hobbies first. Many a time she has cried on my shoulder when at weekends he'd be off doing his thing whilst she was either working or with the children.

To his credit he has reduced his time to one saturday fortnightly, but he still has other slots throughout the week pursuing other hobbies and my friend has always felt she plays second fiddle to these interests.

I know there have been many aruguements about this and she has often thought about whether the relationship will work long term, but ultimately apart from this issue they are happy and love their children.

I feel stuck between the rock and hard place as i'm friendly with both. But tonight i had my friend on the phone saying tonight her husband admitted that if he drew a circle "his wife, children and hobbies would be centre, then work and other stuff on the periphery". Whereas ours would be "family children in the centre and work/hobbies on the outside".

She's utterly distrought to be compared equal to his hobbies and is now thinking of just leaving for a few days to get some head space. I've chatted to her this evening saying to stay put, they haven't got much money so to rack up travelling ticket and hotel bills won't help.

I can see both sides of the issue as they are both very good friends of mine so i'm stuck in the middle.

How do i stop my friend from racking up a credit card bill and how can i help my male friend to stop his wife from losing the plot.

At the end of the day i SHOULDn'T get too involved i know they are adults, but i can't turn my back either when someone asks for help.

balletshoes

If this is something the couple themselves have discussed fully between them, and the can't come to any further agreement, now that the husband has reduced his hobby time, I don't really know what else you can do or suggest?
On the face of it I personally don't see the problem with his hobbies being equal to his family and wife - its not like he's putting his hobbies above them is it? Having something that is not part of his relationship with his wife may be very important to him, it may be a big part of who he is as a person. He can be a good husband and dad as well as being him.

geri1965_2

What are these hobbies?

Watching hardcore pornography? Stamp collecting?

Was she unaware of these hobbies when she married him?

[Deleted User]

Yes she was aware of these hobbies when she married him, they were a huge part of his life, but he agreed to having children and family and i think from how i see it, she thinks that his priorities should have changed to family first, hobbies and work second.

He has two hobbies which are seasonal, in winter he spends time in his "train shed" building up track, putting up displays and background layout and in the summer he restores his huge heavy haulage vehicule (which is costly and nearly 10 years down the line he's still probably only half way through).

I think part of the issue as well is the hobbies take up a proportion of the family budget, but because he works and she's a SAHM with no proper outlet, resentment builds up. There isn't much money left for her to pursue any kind of hobbie which would be comparible to his and she has the children to care for in his absence so she doesn't bother.

He says he needs his hobbies for down time and if he gave them up he'd be depressed and useless as a husband and father. I get the impression it was her that wanted the kids more and he went along with it to keep her happy, having said that he does love his kids now that they are here but, purely from what i've seen, they aren't the be and end all of his life.

I'm sorry if i'm rambling but im trying to express the facts how i've interpretted them and trying to see things from both sides.

balletshoes

would your friend be happier if she had some pin money of her own do you think? I'm sure there are lots of folk here who could suggest ways she could make a little money (online surveys, Avon, that kind of thing).

meritaten

oh boy - its almost like a rerun of MY life! except that my OHs hobbie was rugby! I often felt like HIS rugby came first and felt resentful. My OH worked hard but his freetime was mostly spent on firstly his horses (which he sold before we married) and then on Rugby - and to this day I hate Rugby!
lets see - there was the actual game - which seemed to start at 11.00 am and finish at about 11pm
then there was training - Tuesday and Thursday evening 6.30 till 11.00 (but most of that was spent in the rugby club)
then there was their Disco night (apparently all players were required to attend) 7.00 till 12.00.
and what really really peed me off - no matter how short of money we were - OH HAD to have kit! my only pair of shoes leaked - but OH needed new boots!!!
but that paled when Dear Son was about 3 and had severe asthma - for some reason he often had life threatening attacks at weekends - but despite me begging him to stay - OH would merrily go off to his rugby match - he often wouldnt even tell me where. DS would have asthma attack and I would have to phone around to find him to come home! my mum or dad would have to come mind the other two while I went to the hospital with DS2. If I am honest I HATED my OH at that time! but he thought he was entitled to his hobby! my son knows that his dad would rather play rugby - and even now rather despises him. I spent so many evenings in A&E trying to divide my time between looking after my son and finding OH - I despise OH too. and he still doesnt get it! does NOT understand why I felt HIS son an MYSELF should come before BLOODY RUGBY!D

balletshoes

see thats where its not on meritaten, your OH clearly put rugby above his family didn't he. I don't blame you at all for how you feel about it.

Mrs_Arcanum

Firstly getting some money of her own somehow will be a good thing. Then she needs to find a hobby of her own to do when he is in the shed. Plus something that will give her some "me" time where he must look after the children. At the moment it seems (to this outsider) very unbalanced between them. Is there any hobby they could take up as a family to give them something they could do all together?

Nottoobadyet

To be honest your friends husband (unlike meritaten's OH, what a !!!! to not be there for your DS!) sounds like rather healthy, if not perfect, individual. If his wife is considering leaving him because of the hobbies she always knew he had, I imagine theres something else at play.

However, a holiday for her sounds like a great idea. So it would cost money - like you say, he spends family money on his hobbies, why shouldnt she spend a bit on some time away? Maybe she can pick up a time consuming hobby or volunteer work to give him the chance to pull his weight. He might just step up.

[Deleted User]

i don't have the answers to some of these questions,but i'll happily pass them on and see what her response is, thank you!

Spendless

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Firstly getting some money of her own somehow will be a good thing. Then she needs to find a hobby of her own to do when he is in the shed. Plus something that will give her some "me" time where he must look after the children. At the moment it seems (to this outsider) very unbalanced between them. Is there any hobby they could take up as a family to give them something they could do all together?

^^^^^^ This. Having gone thru similar feelings. It doesn't have to be something expensive, even a weekly set-up with yourself for a coffee. Men often don't get it. They don't see how tying a child is, when they are absent, something that lasts for years and years! She also needs to make it clear that when she does have her regular date for some me time, then should the opportunity for him to go do something recreational at the same time come along, the childcare responsibilities lie with HIM.