Family blackmail - rant/vent

Tygermoth

[FONT=&quot]I am a well educated, independent and financial stable lady in my late thirties (as much as you can in this economy). My partner and I have been together for nigh on ten years and we have a happy loving relationship.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Our one small bugbear is we live in rented and both of us would love to own our own home. Sadly though financially stable our savings just are not enough as the banks keep changing the goal posts in regards to higher and higher ltvs.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Anyway to the point, yesterday evening my mother calls me up. Asks how the house hunting is going and I advised we have decided to stop looking. My mum, being aware that we are short on our mortgage deposit has an offer for us....[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]My grandmother would like to chip in and offer to make up the difference by gifting us the remainder!!. I was overjoyed!![/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Then it started.... basically in not so many words and very well dressed up.......... its bribery.:mad:[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]My partner and I are child free by choice. My family think I am barmy. In fact barmy would be an understatement. They are utterly obsessive about it as i am the only child (who can have children) on this family tree and as such the family will 'die out' without me having offspring. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]They do nothing but bang on about me not wanting children. My mum, for example, at a very formal dinner with people we did not know decided to tell the guests over their starters how we didn’t want kids and didn’t they think this was odd........ And chose not to shut up about it until desserts.... despite people being obviously uncomfortable and trying the steer the conversation elsewhere.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]So I am now angry and upset as this caused arguments as I refused the gift (my mum was outraged) and all I have had this morning is missed calls on my phone from family basically telling me I am ungrateful.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]My partner and I discussed just taking the money and not having a child, but to be fair we are a bit too honest and I think the bad feeling would taint our new home. Also my family don’t understand the meaning of boundaries, politeness and privacy and would take upon themselves to hound us for the announcement of the impending child at every available opportunity. (This type of behaviour was why when presented with the opportunity we moved several hours travelling time away from them!)[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]But I must admit I am feeling a touch upset and tearful this morning as my dream home that was mine for but a few moments slipped through my fingers regardless of the strings that were attached.[/FONT]

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[FONT=&quot]No responses required... Just wanted to get it off my chest.[/FONT]

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flyer64

I would tell them you've been told you can't have children and tell them it upsets you talking about it. I found this approach shut up my meddling family members. How dare they. If you and your partner decide at some point to try for a baby and something good comes out of it then announce it as a miracle baby to your family.

Tygermoth

Hi flyer64,

I DO tell them this....

But the mother and Grandmother choose to ignore this as 'twaddle' because (said in a condecending tone) if you want something hard enough.....

But i tell them the 'wanting somthing hard enough' does not work... i have really wanted them to shut up about this for years but to no avail.

lucylucky

You are going to need to be firm.

It may meen not speaking contacting your family for a while but you cannot be bullied like this.

Tygermoth

I am firm. To the point now where i am the Black Sheep. However as i have restricted contact now (live miles away and have call minder), life is so much better.

Not nearly as much drama, tantrum family disputes. Its great.... I have a lovely quiet life lol.

margaretclare

People who are in the kind of social circle where they go to formal dinners with people they don't know are NOT normally the kind of people who reveal intimate family details with the starter and go on to the pudding!!

I have a certain amount of an idea how this feels. I had 2 daughters, with a miscarriage in between, so we decided to stop at 2 children. For many years after this I had the 'when are you going to have a little boy?' from MIL. Plus, all the stuff about 'the family name'.

Well, my younger daughter, after her marriage in 1993, continued to use her original name up until her sudden and unexpected death in 2002. Everyone knew that they'd decided not to have children. I was the one who got the 'was I looking forward to being a granny again?' ad infinitum.

destroyerofdebt2011

Personally id tell them if they were that intent on having grandkids perhaps they shouldnt have put all their eggs in one basket so to speak. Not everyone is physically able to produce a child due to medical reasons and to be honest it makes you no less a woman or a man if you fall into this category. Gone are the days when the only prospect available to a woman was marriage and kids and a life behind the kitchen sink.

Its your choice to remain childless not your families. But good luck with family interferring it does get you down at times

flyer64

I know your dream home now seems far off but would you really want to be in debt to a family like this? I'd rather live in a box than feel like I owed folk like this anything. I wouldn't feel guilty if you created a distance between you and them. Just remember, it's them who are behaving selfishly, not you. The other poster is right, if they were desperate for grandchildren then they shouldve had a few more kids themselves.

Mrs_Arcanum

Emotional blackmail coupled to financial blackmail is despicable.
Think you will just have to keep saving or perhaps see if there are any Shared Ownership options that might suit.

unholyangel

Just constantly harp on at them about what they eat, what they wear, where they live etc etc anytime they mention kids. Or you could try just hanging up/completely ignoring any comments questions they make. For instance, they make a comment about wanting grankids, ask them what they had for dinner.

It might not be 100% nice and polite but at the end of the day its your life, not theirs. They need to butt out and let you's get on how you want to.

bluenoseam

"i'm sorry, but after evaluating the stress, pressure & rubbish put onto me by my parents, i have decided not to put any potential child through such a horrible & painfull existance - further to this, it was none of your business as to if i did or did not want children anyway!"

Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to take their BS you know - fortunately that's not a subject i'll have to encounter, being an only Son is somewhat of a "burden" which has been potentially lessened by medical science we'll say, so any member of my family who raises it knows the risk they run, it's size 10, attached to my leg & doesn't miss!