Going it alone after several years of an unhappy marriage

Mojisola

Don't expect to move from the present situation to "perfect land". If you keep waiting for that, you'll never leave.

animum

I left my husband two years ago....had to give up m job to do so as no one to look after our daughter overnight ( I did nightshifts) but moved into a 2 bed flat. set up all utilities, including internet...was online the day I moved in. had no problems whatsoever in doing so..and had no problems since. previously everything was in his name, now it is all in mine. it really is quite easy. I think once you start, you will feel better about it.

lilac_lady

As someone who left a long term marriage when my children were settled, I'd advise you to leave and regain your peace of mind. No-one deserves to be put down constantly. I've had such a happy life since I made the decision that I'd had enough. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I had to start from zero in a rented flat but am now in my own mortgage free house. Don't delay or your health will suffer.

GEEGEE8

Why don't you set up somewhere first and then leave?

ecsb

6 weeks after seperating from my husband, after many years of unhappiness and lonliness.........................hard, but i have done it and i am happier.
Bought myself a car, taxed, insured etc, feeling very clever as i had never done it before.
Sorted out benefits.
feeling positive.
You can do it if you really try and want.
I am 100% sure it was the right decision for me as still feel so strong and positive.

sjc3

You can do it. No-one can say you haven't tried to make this relationship work. Your son is grown up now. Its time to get out there and find a happy life for yourself.

Setting up the internet is easy. If you dont have a pc savvy mate then get down to pc world. I have always found them fab. My hubby has no clue with settting up computers. So when we got the laptops we asked them to set it all up for us before we left the shop. Couple of hours from start to finish and we were off home and online. Mobile broadband is about 15 quid a month for us. If you link it to your tv/phone package maybe you would get it cheaper.

Keep in mind that everything is possible with just a little effort and being willing to ask those in the know for help. Thats what I do when I get stuck.

I wish you lots and lots of luck hun

belfastgirl23

OK you are unhappy, that much is really clear.

The only thing I would say though is that you are blaming everyone else for your unhappiness - your family, your mum, your neighbour. Yet the only person who can really make you happy is you. I'd just caution you a bit before you make any huge changes in your life, to step back and be sure that you aren't perhaps depressed or suffering from other mental health issues. It's entirely possible that your family are being thoughtless. And noisy neighbours are irritating - believe me I know what I'm talking about with this one. But if you're depending on someone else making you happy you're on a hiding to nothing.

BitterAndTwisted

Discard any thoughts about swapping places with your son and moving into that flat!

Get your financial affairs in order, especially any joint bank-accounts and things like that Salt away plenty of funds out of reach of your controlling OH. Get together all important papers and get them somewhere safe out of the house.

Then spend a couple weeks, maybe a couple of months deciding where you might like to go. I suggest somewhere far enough from where you are now that you won't bump into any members of your toxic family. Somewhere big enough so you'll meet new people and maybe find a job of some kind. And then just pack your bags, don't look back over your shoulder and get the hell out of there.

(Spring's just around the corner and I've heard that it's rather nice in Greece. If funds allow you could spend from May to September travelling around and pleasing yourself. Then, when you come back find a little one bedroomed flat somewhere and start a new and wonderful life).

You've got a whole world of exciting possibilities within your grasp. All it will take is some iron resolve and the courage to jump. DO IT!

January20

WhiteCat wrote: »

Thank you for your replies

I don't fancy living in a shared house. It is too much like having a family in your face which is what I have had all my life. I really need my own space to relax. I need somewhere peaceful as I have had to endure so much noise for the last 3 months.

There is another option

We own a flat where our son lives by himself and is paying us rent. He loves living there. He was a tenant then we bought it off the owner. It hasn't been modernised in 35 years but everything works and have allowed funds for the place to be done up. I have considered asking him to move out and either live with my OH in our current house or they go their own ways but they work together 5 days a week on the business. He loves living alone too and it could be difficult getting him to leave.

I would be near my mother who is part of my problem and would feel vulnerable to being hassled/dominated by her.

It is noisier in the flat and feel the need to live somewhere quieter as we have been subjected to noise outside our house for several weeks/weekends in a row caused by our neighbour doing outside building work. The parking in the flat is less reliable but my son manages to get a space.

The utilities are already set up in the flat so only the name would change.

I already control the finances online, so not a problem sorting that out.

I can drive and they could share our son's car or get another car as well.
.

I can't understand your reasoning. Your son is happy living on his own in the flat and is paying you rent. You want to move away from it all and yet you want to evict your son, get him to live with his dad and then you want to move into the flat? Is that correct?

So do you realise that you would - quite probably -make your son unhappy and resentful of you if you did that? And you wouldn't be going very far away from the people and the life that you actually want to escape would you?

This is not a great plan. It will not solve your problems. It would actually create more problems and more resentment.

You really need to do a lot more thinking about your situation because I think yes, you are unhappy but no, you are not ready to move away from it all. You need to think things through a lot more thoroughly and decide what you really need/ want to do.

Any

January20 wrote: »

I can't understand your reasoning. Your son is happy living on his own in the flat and is paying you rent. You want to move away from it all and yet you want to evict your son, get him to live with his dad and then you want to move into the flat? Is that correct?

So do you realise that you would - quite probably -make your son unhappy and resentful of you if you did that? And you wouldn't be going very far away from the people and the life that you actually want to escape would you?

This is not a great plan. It will not solve your problems. It would actually create more problems and more resentment.

You really need to do a lot more thinking about your situation because I think yes, you are unhappy but no, you are not ready to move away from it all. You need to think things through a lot more thoroughly and decide what you really need/ want to do.

Completely agree with this comment. Couldn't have said it better myself.
Also agree with BelfastGirl.