Going it alone after several years of an unhappy marriage

WhiteCat_4

The lease is about to expire on our house and dread the thought of renewing and staying with my OH.

I have enough money to live on for a while but have no job and have no idea where to relocate.

My OH and son work together in the business which is doing quite well. I have tried to join in and help but feel pushed out.

My family are only interested in themselves, so have no-one to turn to, I really am alone.

I have been too low to keep a job or friendship due to having to cope with my selfish, controlling family. Sometimes they are supportive and feel lucky, but then they turn on me out of the blue, so can't trust them. I feel they want someone I cannot be, so feel deserving of their wrath sometimes. I used to suffer with my health but have had treatment for it and feel there is only so much a person can take. I think a lot of it is down to what I have had to endure and not been able to leave.

I have had time alone and within a short time felt so much better without the put downs and negativity my family inflict on me. But for some reason had to return to them.

Reasons I didn't go before was lack of money and being a one parent family with a difficult child and having to cope with my health problem then. My so called friends dumped me when I had problems in my marriage, and not so entertaining. Everyone 'loves' me when I am entertaining and fun.

Now I have enough money and our child is grown up. I have done all I can about my health problem. I feel so much better but coping with my family and a horrible noisy neighbour has been pushing me to my limits.

My instinct is to leave but feel I am jumping into a precipice.

What I ask for is for some caring support, so I feel less alone and scared.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

So leave, then - you'll be fine, as you have dealt with worse before.

In a year's time, you can look back on this and smile at how worried you were at escaping the life you didn't want to have anymore.

WhiteCat_4

Thank you and what you are saying is true but I am needing help/encouraging words to make that move.

What should I do first? I don't have access to a car as my OH needs it.

I don't know how to set up the internet.

I know how to rent a property but would they prejudice me not working and being a lone woman? I do have the means to live for a long while without working but do want to work.

I posted on the DV thread.

He is verbally horrible one minute, then all caring the next, then when I feel safe, he withdraws emotionally again or rants and cry.

I have been away before and got better, then within a week, I am in a hole again because he is so distant one minute then over clingy. So the cycle starts again.

Living like this has made it nearly impossible to have friends or a job as I am exhausted and low all the time.

It is too much of a roller coaster for me to feel secure and courageous enough to go. I feel I will miss the nice bits and be lonely. I shan't miss the nasty drama though.

How I get the strength to break the cycle?

January20

If it is the people in your life that are making you happy, then you need to move on and leave them behind. It will be scary at first but the joy of finding the real you again and the thrill of making a new life for yourself will be worth it.

However, I have one question. How much of the negativity is really from other people, your family members, and how much is actually just the way you see things? When you leave, how can you ensure you will not fall into the same trap, letting people make you feel worthless and wanting you only when you are a happy entertaining person?

Leaving AND counselling might be what you need.

eta: Just read your post above. You are afraid to feel lonely but don't you already feel lonely when your OH "turns" against you?

WhiteCat_4

January20 wrote: »

If it is the people in your life that are making you happy, then you need to move on and leave them behind. It will be scary at first but the joy of finding the real you again and the thrill of making a new life for yourself will be worth it.

However, I have one question. How much of the negativity is really from other people, your family members, and how much is actually just the way you see things? When you leave, how can you ensure you will not fall into the same trap, letting people make you feel worthless and wanting you only when you are a happy entertaining person?

Leaving AND counselling might be what you need.

eta: Just read your post above. You are afraid to feel lonely but don't you already feel lonely when your OH "turns" against you?

You are right - I have had counselling many years ago and moved forward. Coping with my illness and them made my life nearly impossible.

It never does any harm to have some more and address the issue of feeling the need to be entertaining to be loved.

RAS

Hi

I think you need to assess the practical issues and think them through. If the alternative really is that much better, doing that will help you confirm your decision and give you trhe strength to move on.

Can you drive, even if you do not have a car? If so, you can borrow a car/van if you need to.

Do you have a separate bank account or savings? If not, you need to organise this now. And somehow or other ensure that your OH has not knowledge of it. Dripfeed funds.

Do you have enough money to pay for a deposit and one month's rent in the first instance, if you move out?

HAve you been to a solicitor to check out what your entitlements would be after a divorce?

Sort through the stuff you have collected and decide what you want to take (officially you are sorting out stuff for the charity shops or a car boot sale). Flog what you do not want and get that in your savings. Doing this would enble you to move very quickly if you have to move out in a hurry, literaly open the drawers and cupboards, scoop up everything and drop it in a bin bag.

Do you have anywhere you can move stuff you value like photos, mementoes, documents before you move out?

Check you credit rating?

Put together a list of everyone who would need contacting if you move out (including the providers of all joint accounts where you may need to stop your OH stripping out funds or making the account overdrawn. Also utilities in your name and council tax, as you want to halt liability when you move out.

JoW123

I am 18 months down the line of ending a 9 year relationship with a man who sounds very similar to your husband. I can completely understand how your emotions are continually all over the place when living with someone who behaves in this way. My cirucmstances are however completely different in that I have 2 youngish children and I have always and still do work, so I can't really comment on some points in your thread.

However, what I want to say is that you will feel lonely at times, you will wonder whether leaving was worth it, but then at other times you will know it was the best thing you ever did. It took me a full year to realise that my ex still had control over me by his manipulative behavior (he still sees the children) because I was used to reacting to his emotional distress and feeling responsible for it. I was the only person who could break that cycle. If you decide to leave you will need to address whatever it is about you that has kept you in this positon for a long time even though you were unhappy. This is painful and difficult to do but is the only key to making sure that you do not repeat the pattern by perhaps meeting someone similar when you are lonely or going back to him.

pinkshoes

Just go for it!! Stop thinking about other people, and spend some time, effort and energy making yourself happy!

Right, your chances of renting somewhere if you haven't got a job are slim, as it makes people nervous that you'll end up paying the rent. BUT... why not be someone's lodger? Just find a room somewhere in a random town you've never lived in, and MOVE! Try SpareRoom or similar.

If you're in a town, you won't need a car, and perhaps can find some work (paid/voluntary) within walking distance. If you NEED a car, you can buy a £300 banger on ebay or similar that has perhaps 6 months tax and MOT remaining, then can scrap it for about £90 when they run out!

Setting up internet won't be an issue if you're a lodger, as if they have wifi, the owner will help you! Stop worrying about such minor things!

JBD

Regarding internet access, do you have your own laptop? My son uses a PAYG dongle for his broadband [so he can use it at his Dads ], no subscription. It is as simple as topping up a mobile phone.

SailorSam

If you're feeling so low and you stay as you are in years to come you'll find yourself thinking, if only if only ......
Ok your new life may not be all wine and roses, there may be times you'll wonder should you have stayed, but you know you want something more, so what good is it doing you staying.
I've always wished i were more impulsive and look back now sorry about not taking a deep breath and taking a chance on something new.

WhiteCat_4

Thank you for your replies

I don't fancy living in a shared house. It is too much like having a family in your face which is what I have had all my life. I really need my own space to relax. I need somewhere peaceful as I have had to endure so much noise for the last 3 months.

There is another option

We own a flat where our son lives by himself and is paying us rent. He loves living there. He was a tenant then we bought it off the owner. It hasn't been modernised in 35 years but everything works and have allowed funds for the place to be done up. I have considered asking him to move out and either live with my OH in our current house or they go their own ways but they work together 5 days a week on the business. He loves living alone too and it could be difficult getting him to leave.

I would be near my mother who is part of my problem and would feel vulnerable to being hassled/dominated by her.

It is noisier in the flat and feel the need to live somewhere quieter as we have been subjected to noise outside our house for several weeks/weekends in a row caused by our neighbour doing outside building work. The parking in the flat is less reliable but my son manages to get a space.

The utilities are already set up in the flat so only the name would change.

I already control the finances online, so not a problem sorting that out.

I can drive and they could share our son's car or get another car as well.

What seems minor to some can be big to others. Some things that don't worry me are a huge worry for others. In some ways I am like a a terrified teenager about to leave home for the first time, in another I am very experienced with it all.

Setting up utilities/internet does worry me when I hear about horror stories about dealing with these people. My OH deals with them.

I am voicing my fears/worries to seek reassurance and advice about how to deal with them.