Wife upset by fears of own mortality!

de1amo

My wife is 39 and recently she has become worried that she is going to die and leave her daughter all alone in the world--i am the step dad.
She has had lots of medical tests and she is in a1 condition but keeps bursting into tears for no logical reason. On the surface she seems happy and when in company she is a live wire but when she is alone she has these reaccuring 'tears'. She has booked an appointment with a shrink but says she wont take anti depressants if advised--she doesnt seem depressed-she works a lot but seems happiest when she is at the 'coal face'--we own the business and she is in total control and money is not an issue.
She seems to think her troubles started when her father was diagnosed with cancer but he came through it relatively unscathed.
Her parents are in the early 70s and they are all very close.

help-i am a male without experience of mortality having never had anyone close dying since i was a kid!

Jake'sGran

I believe the modern anti-depressants work very well for some people e.g. Prozac and others in that group. She really does need some treatment and it does sound like the problem is depression.

She is not being fair to you. If she won't go for treatment how long will you have to put up with her in the state she is in. After reading your message again it is obvious that she is suffering from depression. It's extremely hard to get over this on your own.
There are things she can do to make her feel better; things like walking, swimming etc. but she does need treatment. If it is untreated it will just get worse.

Her daughter will have picked up that there is something wrong so please make her aware of this.

Re her Dad's cancer - people are successfully treated for this disease. In a 18 month period I had three major surgeries (cancer and open heart surgery) - all over 4 hours long and now have a different attitude to life in general.

Do your utmost to get her to go to the doctor.

busiscoming2

I have sent you a PM.

Malky

Does she turn 40 soon? May have or may not have something to do with it

de1amo

she saw a physical doc this am who decalred her totally fit after many blood tests and scans--at this she burst into tears and the doctor said she definately needed to see a shrink--it has been booked. We live in Turkey where a psychologist and psychiatrist are one of the same thing--i am actually bi polar and acutely aware of depression in myself but it is hard to read it in her. She always has a smile on her face and the 'strong' person. She never cries where myself or daughter can see. she doesnt show any other classic symptoms of depression like early morning waking or lack of energy.

bearacus

She could be suffering depression, anxiety (Generalised anxiety disorder) or even PTSD in relation to her fathers illness. Often at the time of events we carry on and stay strong, it is only after (can be a long time after) a situation really hits home and the effect become appharent. I definitely think a trip to the gp is neccesary and she must tell them what her fears are -of dying, becoming ill, getting cancer (however embarrased she may feel).

Fear of death especially when a parent is quite logical and even more so if she felt she nearly lost her own parent. Be as supportive as you are being and be there. It is hard being the one who has no control over this and you are likely to be the one who has to run the gauntlet with her. Good luck and going the GP is essential .

bearacus x (this is only my opinion)

Mojisola

As well as the advice above, can she do anything practical about her worries for her daughter? Does she have a well-written will? Would you care for your step-daughter if anything did happen to her?

meritaten

you say your wife is 39? could be that she sees 40 coming up and its struck her hard that she is moving into middle age. she also has had to cope with worry about a relative with cancer and even though thats turned out well, there must have been period when the outcome was feared. facing this may well have turned her thoughts to her own mortality and she is quite simply scared. counselling may well help her with this, but I honestly dont think anti-depressants would (though who am I to say, if her psychiatrist disagrees - I havent got HER side of the story, so cannot really judge) - she isnt depressed, she is scared and talking through her fears may well be the best thing for her. I do hope she comes through this and learns to put her fear of mortality where it belongs and has some peace of mind!
best wishes
Merit

taliwillow

I can't really say much to help but just wanted to let you know that your wife isn't alone in this. I suffer from this too and however strange it may seem to you it honestly is so so scary when you feel like that and its a fear that you can't do that much to help as no one can decide when they die. I have been like this for 5 months now although I do have many more better days where I don't get anxious than I do bad days, whereas when this started I would sit awake in bed at night crying, terrified that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. This then progressed into me worrying that my husband or children wouldn't wake up in the morning so I felt the need to sit awake with one hand on my husband to feel that he was warm so that if he went cold I would know something was happening and hopefully I would be able to get him help in time.
I have had anxiety problems in the past but never health related. I can't take anti anxiety medication as the ones that I have tried have made me extra anxious to the point where I couldn't sleep because I thought a man was going to break into the house in the night with a knife and stab me. As you can probably tell, for me night time is the hardest which I think is because I don't have the distractions of the day so my mind tends to wander into anxious thoughts.
I started reading a book called mindfulness for dummies at Christmas. I haven't finished it and can't say for definite that this is what has helped me (as I don't practice mindfulness but just considering the basic thoughts behind it did make some sense to me) but I do now feel a bit calmer than I did.
Hope this ramble helps somehow.

charliemaine1bee

Hi I really feel for your wife,it sounds like shes suffering from Health anxiety which can feel totally crippling at the time..I found a website called Nomorepanic to be godsend and the support is wonderful.Will make her realise there are a lot of people who go through this and she's not alone..Hope this helps x

bargain_hunter_2

I never normally view this thread but the heading jumped out at me!
This is definately an age thing. I too suffer anxiety over my health and visited the doc with every twinge believing it to be something sinister ! Many tests, scans etc later I was referred for counselling which helped. She broke it down to explain that only at this age are we realising our own generation are dying - when we were kids it was always someones grandparents - then it was someones parents - now unfortunately its our friends/colleagues. The catalyst for me was my sister dying at 40 and a 39 year old friend having terminal cancer. Cousellor explained that when you buy a new car - say a blue mini - you've never seen one around before - then you take delivery and they start popping up everywhere - and hitting 40 you see whats happening to other 40 year olds could happen to you. Your brain is tuned into things that are relevant to you ! If you see what I mean. Try get your wife to counselling - I never got anti depressants or anything just the chance to explain my fears and someone to convince me I wasn't going mad !! Don't get me wrong I still get pains and imagine the worst but it passes. Doesn't help that I work in a ward that screens folks for cancer. See too many young folk being diagnosed - but as someone else says - treatment nowadays is so advanced. HTH and try and get your wife to talk to a trained counseller to allay her fears.