5yo worried about dying/death

tankgirl1

Hi
A little background info may be needed here

Firstly, my DS has never to date lost a human loved one.

We did lose a very much loved pooch when he has 2.5yrs - he hugged her said goodbye etc, no worries

Then we lost a cat a year later - again no biggie from what I saw - OK Shadow has gone to heaven - OK, no questions

At age 5, my sisters budgie died suddenly, and then our budgie escaped soon after ...... Since then Lil Man has had a fixation with death. He also started school about that time.

He keeps saying he doesnt want to die, or want me to die - I tell him not to worry about that, and change the subject, which works 90% of the time, but it worries me that he is getting so upset!

He knows that pooch and cat are buried in the back garden, but that they will be waiting one day at rainbow bridge

I am rubbish with kids - i'm not naturally maternal! I love him to bits and would kill for him without a seconds thought but I struggle with this kind of thing.

What am I gonna do when he hits the teens! EeeeK!

Please help!

fannyanna

Hello

I don't have kids so I don't have any parenting experience to draw on which may be of use.

I do however remember having similar thoughts as your little one when I was young. I remember getting very upset thinking that Mummy was going to die etc.

I guess it was a phase and I would imagine most children go through a similar phase.

I think you should continue to reassure and comfort him but also make him realise that yes, all living things one day come to an end.

Depending on your beliefs you could mention an afterlife of sorts. I'm not a religious person but as a child (and to some extent as an adult) I found comfort in thinking that there was an afterlife where I would meet my loved ones again - even beloved pets that had gone onto pet heaven. This is obviously down to personal preference and not everyones bag :-)

twi1ight

Sorry, no wise words from me. Just wanted to say you're not alone. A friend's son went through very similar and
I'm sure it's normal. Hopefully, someone will be along soon to make some suggestions of what to do. I can't remember what my friend said to ease his mind on this specific matter but he has some worry dolls which you can tell your worries and put under your pillow. Some of us are just born to be worriers...

onlyroz

I'd suggest telling him not to worry about it just yet, because he's only young and has his whole life ahead of him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I think it's normal that they start thinking about mortality from about 5. They are becoming aware that death means things go away and aren't seen again. Some see actual death - pets, for example, some just realise it means forever.

It becomes less important as time goes on - unless you end up with one of these....



But it's OK for them to ask about it, think about it, that kind of thing.

pendulum

I remember going through that phase as well - sure it's nothing to worry about. As another poster said, he's beginning to understand life better and knows he and the ones he loves will one day die, and he doesn't like it. I'd just tell him people are living longer and longer, and that he may live to 100 or more!, and nobody's going to die for a long while yet (Touch wood! - Don't tell him that ). He should grow out of it.

I remember once tearfully asking my mum if scientists were developing a pill to make humans live forever as I didn't want to die. She said no. She should have said yes.

nuttybabe

hi. my kids are the same. my 6 and 4 year old have told me they will not get married and have children cos that will make me a grandma and grandma's die!!! i just try to tell them that everyone gets old and dies and that it will be a long long time before i do. i have talked about my nan in the stars looking down on us to re-assure them. they dont mention it as much now. does upset me when they talk about it. but it was both of them saying it so i dont know if one of the kids in class have had a family loss (alot have bothers or sisters in same classes) so they read about it to the class.

hopefully he will just forget about it soon. x

pandora205

This is a very natural stage of development which commonly occurs around this age. It is the growing realisation about death and dying, combined with attachment to loved ones and is a normal preoccupation. It takes several years before children really understand the inevitability and irreversibility of dying - It's difficult for adults to understand so it's no wonder that children struggle with the concept and emotions. Having pets is a very good way for children to learn about mortality even though this can raise some difficult questions.

Sometimes young children's only experience of death has been via television and films, which often gives a very skewed view (ie unexpected or violent death) and this is part of the worry. It's important to say that most people live long lives and die peacefully.

There are some sensitively written children's books that deal with the death of a pet or loved one. Perhaps a good one to start with is Badger's Parting Gift. Here are some others:
http://www.birmingham.gov.uk/cs/Satellite?c=Page&childpagename=Lib-Children-Reader-Development%2FPageLayout&cid=1223092578704&pagename=BCC%2FCommon%2FWrapper%2FWrapper

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Just don't be like one of the people I went to school with. She's 38 now and her Dad died when she was 14 and her mum when she was 17. This is a very sad thing to happen to someone. She was taken in by her grandmother, who is still very much alive and she went on to marry and have two children.

Well, she is practically obsessive about her parents - everything her kids do, all they hear about is 'Nanna and Granddad in the sky will be pleased'. All she talks about is how much she wishes they were here to see the grandchildren now, how nothing is ever going to be perfect now they're gone. The kids are therefore never able to be genuinely pleased about something, because Mum's first reaction is to say 'oh, how terrible, nanna and grandad in the sky aren't here with you, you poor little children.....'


I'm not saying my approach is much better, but I have always explained that death is natural, it is a part of life. Animals die, people die, plants die and even when we are sad about it, it is still going to happen one day. I don't hold with keeping secrets - another friend hasn't told her son that his granddad has been dead for 7 years, he still thinks that granddad has run away to live on a farm with his cat. There's going to be some questions asked at some point, as the boy is 12 now.

There have been some deaths in both families and they have been included in the proceedings, so far, they seem to be rather well adjusted when it comes to bereavement - and neither of them hold with rainbow bridge (other than to say that it's a nice story to comfort pet owners) or any particular religious perspective - they know about the Norse tradition, the christian tradition, Buddhism, the ancient Greek, Roman and Egyptian belief systems and understand that people have a need to explain what happens when things and people die. The youngest also knows quite a bit about the nature involved, but she wants to be a scientist/CSI, so this is probably par for the course that she understands decay, detrivores and various other things that would scare most maiden aunts.

faithcecilia

pandora205 wrote: »

This is a very natural stage of development which commonly occurs around this age. It is the growing realisation about death and dying, combined with attachment to loved ones and is a normal preoccupation. It takes several years before children really understand the inevitability and irreversibility of dying - It's difficult for adults to understand so it's no wonder that children struggle with the concept and emotions. Having pets is a very good way for children to learn about mortality even though this can raise some difficult questions.

Sometimes young children's only experience of death has been via television and films, which often gives a very skewed view (ie unexpected or violent death) and this is part of the worry. It's important to say that most people live long lives and die peacefully.

There are some sensitively written children's books that deal with the death of a pet or loved one. Perhaps a good one to start with is Badger's Parting Gift. Here are some others:
http://www.birmingham.gov.uk/cs/Satellite?c=Page&childpagename=Lib-Children-Reader-Development%2FPageLayout&cid=1223092578704&pagename=BCC%2FCommon%2FWrapper%2FWrapper

Pandora, I was going to suggest Badger's Parting Gifts. I was given it at about 5yrs old and still have it. It is the most beautiful book, the story of a life well lived and all the good things that are left behind - memories shared, skills taught, etc. It may well make him cry (Im almost crying talking about it:o) but it really is beautiful, and actually makes a point that its normal and okay to cry about death.

nuttybabe

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Just don't be like one of the people I went to school with. She's 38 now and her Dad died when she was 14 and her mum when she was 17. This is a very sad thing to happen to someone. She was taken in by her grandmother, who is still very much alive and she went on to marry and have two children.

Well, she is practically obsessive about her parents - everything her kids do, all they hear about is 'Nanna and Granddad in the sky will be pleased'. All she talks about is how much she wishes they were here to see the grandchildren now, how nothing is ever going to be perfect now they're gone. The kids are therefore never able to be genuinely pleased about something, because Mum's first reaction is to say 'oh, how terrible, nanna and grandad in the sky aren't here with you, you poor little children.....'


I'm not saying my approach is much better, but I have always explained that death is natural, it is a part of life. Animals die, people die, plants die and even when we are sad about it, it is still going to happen one day. I don't hold with keeping secrets - another friend hasn't told her son that his granddad has been dead for 7 years, he still thinks that granddad has run away to live on a farm with his cat. There's going to be some questions asked at some point, as the boy is 12 now.

There have been some deaths in both families and they have been included in the proceedings, so far, they seem to be rather well adjusted when it comes to bereavement - and neither of them hold with rainbow bridge (other than to say that it's a nice story to comfort pet owners) or any particular religious perspective - they know about the Norse tradition, the christian tradition, Buddhism, the ancient Greek, Roman and Egyptian belief systems and understand that people have a need to explain what happens when things and people die. The youngest also knows quite a bit about the nature involved, but she wants to be a scientist/CSI, so this is probably par for the course that she understands decay, detrivores and various other things that would scare most maiden aunts.

thats shocking!!!

when i told my kids about my nan in the stars it was because they asked what happened when you die. Thank god something else happened and distracted them when they asked how she got there!!!!

my kids werent bothered when fish have died or when the guinea pigs have died. Although they did get upset when Rex ran off when tide coming in and they are attached to little rabbit foo foo. dreading that one!