Money in a relationship! - HELP

Mojisola

charlie792 wrote: »

Cheers for the responses everyone...just makes me sad sometimes knowing I can't buy him things like he buys me and just hate the fact that if we want to go out he HAS to pay otherwise we're not going anywhere...spent £60 on a meal for valentines for me

Circumstances often change through life. Something may happen later on in life so that you are the one with more money. Enjoy your relationship with your lovely man!

I know a couple - no longer together - where the wife used to go on holiday on her own because she was in a better paid job than him and "He couldn't afford a holiday this year"!

londoner1998

I have been on both sides and you know, it doesn't really matter. I know what you mean about feeling uncomfortable, but if he has the money and is happy to help you, I think that says a lot about him.

When OH and I got together i was working full time, very well paid and he just started put as a freelance- I didn't mind at all helping him because I knew he worked hard. Within a year, I was a full time student and went down to P/T, then during my MA, to no work at all. We were so poor, yet we managed and I had to adjust to not being able to do many things I did comfortably before. It taught me the value of money and also to understand his perspective when he didn't have any money at all. Two years ago I had a trip to India landing on my lap pretty much (had to pay for it but it was cheap, apart from the flights) and he said he couldn't come, he couldn't afford the plane tickets- I very happily paid for his, because I had some money saved and like Tropez said, nothing was more important than to share that very important time with him. IT was an amazing two weeks away, together.

These days, it is a bit of both- he is much more established and I have been in full time employment for years now- but redundancy is a very real possibility for me and I know we might have to adjust.

If you help him in all those ways, please stop feeling guilty about it. Some things just can not be bought with money. You are a couple and he seems a lovely and generous man. Life changes all the time and I am sure there will be an opportunity to repay him one day.

CFC

charlie792 wrote: »

Cheers for the responses everyone...just makes me sad sometimes knowing I can't buy him things like he buys me and just hate the fact that if we want to go out he HAS to pay otherwise we're not going anywhere...spent £60 on a meal for valentines for me

I do keep a record of everything which is not the most fun...little book that shows how much I owe him for each weeks shopping etc, but then of course I then feel bad asking him for money for bills which are in my name (gas etc), Id love to be able to pay his share to at least bring how much I owe him down but I can't afford to....Last month I had to ask him for £80 for his share despite me owing him the best part of £400

On the plus side I do make his lunch every day, he works near so comes home and I do his washing and ironing much to his mums delight (used to take it all home to her before we moved in) and I do attempt to keep the house in a reasonable state.....
Oh and I am also his personal planner/calendar as he would not pay a single bill or remember birthdays etc if it wasn't for me - I suppose I do have my uses :A

Jeez this is what happens when you live together without being married.
You either want a permanent relationship with him or you don't. If you do, then accept his help gratefully. Sharing is what makes a committed relationship rather than just bf and gf, and if either of you doesn't want to share you shouldn't be living together. Perhaps you would feel better if you tactfully probed to see if this is his way of thinking. I suspect it is.

On the other hand, if you're not sure he's the one, then you should get a different flatmate and split the bills, because sharing all you have, including your bodies, is not really appropriate IMO unless there is that committment there.

2manybooks

I can understand how the inequality in money is making you uneasy but if you are committed to each other then it doesn't matter, as long as no one is being taken advantage of.

I can't remember who paid for what or that I spent x amount of pounds on OH birthday present and he only spent half that - what I do remember is all the freezing cold winter mornings he got up and brought me tea in bed and the joy of exploring somewhere new together (not who paid for the holiday).

onlyroz

Who knows how things will go? When I first met my husband I was an impoverished student and could contribute only very little financially to the relationship. At the moment I earn a bit more than him, but who knows what things will be like in the future. If you're in a solid relationship then I'd suggest having a "pot" into which you each contribute an amount that's proportional to your income.

amy_lou_4

I am glad I'm not the only one in this position, my boyfriend and me are about to move in together and he is earning much more than me. We have been together for seven years but we have been at university and then I was working in France, so this is our first time living together and we need to have a serious conversation about money when we know how much everything is actually going to cost (have no clue about bills at the moment but I am very frugal with the food shopping!) We signed for the flat when I was actually unemployed, so that showed me how important it is to him that we live together and that even the small amount of money I was getting from JSA would be enough to contribute as long as we were happy and love each other. Thankfully I found a job pretty quickly although I am still looking for something better. He has a lot of faith in me and is sure that in a few years I will have an amazing career and be earning far more than him, when I will be buying us treats all the time! In the meantime I will be doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc, doing my private tuition and working part time, generally being a joy to live with so he knows how lucky I feel to have found him (I am getting soppy aren't I)