Money in a relationship! - HELP

charlie792

Me and my partner have been together almost 3 years, we live together (rented) but I have money issues with it - in money terms we are anything but equal.
Im in my final few months of uni (with little prospect of a job) and he graduated last year and has been in full-time work since before that.
He's always had money, his parents are well off and he lived at home for his first year so didn't have to pay anything, and even when he did move out they paid his rent etc for him so his loan was to live off, they even paid his tuition fees for him - Don't get me wrong Im not bitter about this.
I on the other hand have not been so fortunate my parents cannot afford to support me, Im in a huge amount of debt with student loans, and my loan has never been enough to cover rent and bills let alone to live off so Ive always had to use my overdraft to survive.
Financially things were made worse by a few disastrous student lets and ended up losing a lot of money as a result - if only I had found this site sooner!

Even before we moved in together he's had to help me out financially, pay for my shopping etc now and again because I just couldn't afford it. We decided it made financial sense to find a place together last year - and it has helped the strain slightly as my rent costs alone are a lot less and now his parents no longer pay his rent he does appreciate how much bills are etc but he still doesn't understand how unequal we are in terms of money!

His monthly salary is almost the same as my overdraft, he has that amount every month to live off, I have that amount to last me almost a year!
Of course he wants to do things like go abroad, or eat out all the time - things that realistically I can only dream of...

Things have really been highlighted recently as he got a bank statement through for a savings account he didn't even know he had which had almost 2k in there! let alone what he already has in savings...and me I have 600 left of an overdraft to last me until I find a job whenever that may be ....
He keeps talking about going on holiday and every time I say I cannot afford it offers to pay for me to go - (Infact we went abroad 2 years ago curtsey of his parents, which I still feel bad about)
But Im already in SOOO much debt to him that I feel I can't accept - but of course he insists as he wants to go, he's paid for the weekly shop for weeks on end, I still owe him a bit from last September for the furniture for our house, I havent even added up how much I owe him in a while because it makes me sad, but I know its over £500 still - he's in no hurry for me to pay it back but I can't stand knowing that I owe that much to someone and I feel terrible everytime he buys me something - he bought me new shoes a few weeks back as I had 8p left in my account and my other shoes broke....
But things like that make me feel so inadequate in our relationship, I feel like I shouldn't have to rely on him to support me

littlemissbossy

When you're in a relationship you contribute lots of things not just money. I'm sure you look after him, offer support and encouragement, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry or whinge on. If he has no problems in giving you financial support accept it, thats what being in a relationship is all about give and take.

HTH

Tish_P

There have been loads of threads on here where people discuss how they make finances work when one person earns more than the other - perhaps have a browse for those? (I'll have a look myself and post some links if I can.)

Some couples split bills according to earnings (i.e. if he earns half what she does, he pays 1/3 of the bill). Some keep a bit of pocket money each and put all the rest into an "our money" pot which goes on food, rent, bills and/or savings. Where there is only one wage-earner, sometimes they give housekeeping and/or spending money to the person who is contributing to the relationship in other ways. You have to find out what works for you and makes you feel comfortable.

Then write down the state of your financial affairs and have a heart-to-heart with him about how best the two of you can manage your money from now on, because the system you've fallen into doesn't seem to be working. Best of luck with it!

brians_daughter

when you are together living as man and wife its the others job to help you out in hard times. He has the money, is financially secure and if he didnt want to pay he wouldnt offer. He is simply wanting to share his income...i know its strange to get your head round, took me 10 years of living with my oh when he earned double what i did to realise he wanted to share what he had with me as it was of no use being alone and rich!

Mojisola

It sounds as if you've got a lovely man there! A true partnership consists of each of you contributing what you can. You are obviously giving enough to the relationship to make him happy and he is willing to share the material benefits he has.

Don't spoil what you've got. Put money in its proper place - it's just a part of any relationship. If the situation was reversed and it was you who had the money and your OH had debts, would you be wanting him to pay his way all the time?

Tropez

I had a similar issue arise in my relationship. I had unwittingly upset my partner by paying for pretty much everything.

Perhaps though that the reason I was comfortable and willing to pay for things without a second thought was because there is no monetary value that can be applied to the joy I have from being with my partner. It might not make sense, but in a direct comparison between money and my girlfriend, money holds no value to me and therefore I wanted to use my money to benefit our relationship.

To an extent, it seems that I maybe went a little overboard, although I was never flashing any money around, but more going straight for my wallet when the bill arrived and such, and this made her feel uneasy and so we reached a compromise with regards to bills and paying for things when out and everything else, and touch wood, everything has been fine since.

I would gladly pay for my partner to go on holiday with me simply because being with her would make the experience that much better. There is no price that can be put on experiencing something with the person you love, not for me at least.

littlemissbossy

Tropez wrote: »

I had a similar issue arise in my relationship. I had unwittingly upset my partner by paying for pretty much everything.

Perhaps though that the reason I was comfortable and willing to pay for things without a second thought was because there is no monetary value that can be applied to the joy I have from being with my partner. It might not make sense, but in a direct comparison between money and my girlfriend, money holds no value to me and therefore I wanted to use my money to benefit our relationship.

To an extent, it seems that I maybe went a little overboard, although I was never flashing any money around, but more going straight for my wallet when the bill arrived and such, and this made her feel uneasy and so we reached a compromise with regards to bills and paying for things when out and everything else, and touch wood, everything has been fine since.

I would gladly pay for my partner to go on holiday with me simply because being with her would make the experience that much better. There is no price that can be put on experiencing something with the person you love, not for me at least.

Yep +1, this is it.

BitterAndTwisted

Cor, your bloke sounds lovely. And so do you for this possibly temporary inequality in making you uneasy. Stop fretting and start enjoying your life. Just try to ensure that your fella never feels like you're taking him for granted and you'll be grand.

ema_o

Hi Charlie

It is very rare for a couple to be in the same financial position, and it seems like your OH is genuinely happy to help you out. For a number of things I think you should accept his offers, especially for things like holidays and for things he wants to do but you couldn't afford.

If you see yourself having a future with your OH, financial positions do change in relationships and even if you never end up earning more than him you will eventually be in a better position financially than you are now.

When I got together with my OH he was in a lot of debt and his earnings weren't great either. I was quite happy paying for things, but made sure that he also got a chance to treat me (just on the cheaper things). Luckily at the time I was working for a holidays company and got a significant discount for us both on holidays, so we just split the difference and he could afford to come along, but it would have been no fun on my own so I would have paid more if necessary to ensure he could come too.

There are many non-financial things you could do to contribute towards the relationship that will make a difference. Off the top of my head offering to research the holiday (finding cheaper deals), finding vouchers towards eating out (even if he then pays its still cheaper) will still mean he is spending less even though you aren't spending more.

One other thing I'd suggest, if he has lent you money it would be a good idea to keep a record of what it is you owe him somewhere so you can eventually pay him back. Careful things don't get complicated between what he has bought you and what is a loan.

evespikey

ema_o wrote: »

There are many non-financial things you could do to contribute towards the relationship that will make a difference. Off the top of my head offering to research the holiday (finding cheaper deals), finding vouchers towards eating out (even if he then pays its still cheaper) will still mean he is spending less even though you aren't spending more.

This. I'm in a loosely similar situation- just about to graduate-, in 20k student debt, despite us both being educated to Master's level the bf is in far less debt (due to MSE parents :money:) with far higher chances of employment than me. He has payed thousands for me over the 4 years in travelling to see me (we were at different unis).

Of course I feel guilty and I hate it but he knows I can't pay him back so I have to accept that anything he offers me is because he loves me and wants me to have it.

I always shop around for cheap deals and vouchers when we do things like holidays, food shopping, restaraunts, cinemas. I consider it the least I can do, and it makes me feel less guilty if he's paying half price for the cinema on orange wednesdays than full price on saturdays.

I would warn heavily about feeling guilty and 'compensating' him in OTHER ways if you know what I mean! Just because he likes spending money on you and you're in a relationship doesn't make you a you-know-what!

charlie792

ema_o wrote: »

One other thing I'd suggest, if he has lent you money it would be a good idea to keep a record of what it is you owe him somewhere so you can eventually pay him back. Careful things don't get complicated between what he has bought you and what is a loan.

Cheers for the responses everyone...just makes me sad sometimes knowing I can't buy him things like he buys me and just hate the fact that if we want to go out he HAS to pay otherwise we're not going anywhere...spent £60 on a meal for valentines for me

I do keep a record of everything which is not the most fun...little book that shows how much I owe him for each weeks shopping etc, but then of course I then feel bad asking him for money for bills which are in my name (gas etc), Id love to be able to pay his share to at least bring how much I owe him down but I can't afford to....Last month I had to ask him for £80 for his share despite me owing him the best part of £400

On the plus side I do make his lunch every day, he works near so comes home and I do his washing and ironing much to his mums delight (used to take it all home to her before we moved in) and I do attempt to keep the house in a reasonable state.....
Oh and I am also his personal planner/calendar as he would not pay a single bill or remember birthdays etc if it wasn't for me - I suppose I do have my uses :A