Hit rock bottom

barbiedoll

If you have been stuck at home looking after your children for years, especially as you have a Down's child too, I'm not surprised that you feel miserable and depressed. (Which you are, despite what the doctor says)

You have identified the areas in your life which are making you unhappy and you wrote about the money problems first so I guess this is high on your list of worries. Money problems can be sorted, no matter how high your debts are but you need to do some work and you will also need to speak to someone, or at least ask for help in the right place. Posting your SOA is the first step. I know it can feel like you are laying out your life for everyone to pick over but remember that on here, you are anonymous and the Debt Free Wanabee board tends to be very non-judgemental and help is there if you want it. You just have to ask! You know that you are spending because you are bored and unhappy so you need to find something that will keep you away from the shopping sites. Look around your house and find something that you can sell on ebay. Just one little thing, a cd, a pair of shoes that you haven't worn, one of the kid's toys or games that they haven't used, an old ornament, anything really. Make it your goal to sell it, even if you only get 99p for it, it's a gain rather than a loss.

You say that you buy and eat junk food. Deny yourself one item tomorrow that you would have eaten and save it for the next day. If you can, put the money for it (say, 60p for a Kit-Kat or whatever) into a jar and label it your "treats jar". Everyday, deny yourself just one treat and put the money in the jar and see how much you have after a month. Then you can spend that on whatever you like as long as it's not edible. Get into the habit of putting that small amount away every day, it's a little step but it will give you a little bit of control.

Talk to your husband. Turn off the tv, sit in the kitchen and not on your sofa that you hate, and ask him to help you. You need him on board for the money-saving stuff anyway, he can also help you with your self-esteem but only if he is aware that it is bothering you too. But don't rely on him and your children for your self-esteem, you need to do things just for you. Friends aren't going to come knocking at your door, you have to go out and find them. Do you know anyone at the children's school? Can you get involved with after-school activities or can you volunteer at your Down's child's school? It's very easy to stay at home and watch the years pass you by but living your life means making an effort, which I know can be hard but only you can do it.

See a different doctor, you do sound as though you are depressed and the anxiety is something that may respond to counselling rather than medication therapy. Taking a print of your post is a very good idea, it's often hard to get across how bad you are feeling during a 10 minute consultation in the surgery. And the poster who suggested walking as exercise is spot-on, it is well known that exercise can induce feelings of well-being, even a 15 minute walk round the block can help to get you used to being out of the house and you can extend the time that you are out by a little bit each week. Make it a habit and it can only do you some good.

Small steps, one at a time, is the key to getting your life back together. Focus on one problem at a time but make sure that you try to do something constructive EVERY day. When you get out your item to sell, make a point of clearing out the cupboard or shelf that it came from. Don't worry about the rest of the house, just do one thing at a time.

And remember, you're NOT a failure, nor are you worthless. Bringing up children is a difficult, often thankless task, taking care of a disabled child, even more so. You should be proud of your achievements, being a mum is the hardest job in the world. Now it's time to concentrate on you for a bit.

ailuro2

Is there somewhere you could go with your son - some kind of support group where there will be others like you who have been there, done that, (and also got the T shirt in a bigger size.)

I'm not saying to go with your son just because he has Down's, but that because people will know what it's like to have a lack of freedom when you're a carer 24/7

You used to be bubbly, but now you've forgotten, so you need to go out to s support group and tell someone what you've told us, that you're tired and lack motivation, and that you want to break out of the vicious circle you've ended up living in.

Your DH doesn't sound like a bad man, but it does sound like he's given up trying too.

Don't give up, do one small thing every day, whether it's switching off the TV for an hour and looking out the bills, or spending an hor reading through the Old Style board to get some good ideas for a healthy dinner made from scratch...

one hour a day will soon lead you out of that vicious circle, if you can only find the will to do it a few times, the rest will follow.

Good Luck, and lots of hugs to you.:)

belfastgirl23

Some great advice here. I particularly second the advice of trying to get some exercise every day - even a 20 min walk around the block. Having gone through phases of anxiety and feeling down in my own life (and having struggled with my weight forever!) I can tell you for a categoric fact that if you exercise, you feel calmer and better in yourself. You also sleep better.

I would also suggest it might be worth getting some specialist help re your caring role - this organisation might be a good starting point http://www.carersuk.org/Home

You are about to make changes - posting here tells me that you're ready for it. So make a commitment here and now - what are you going to do differently tomorrow? One step at a time...

candygirl

concerned43 wrote: »

So let me see
1) You have money worries with £30k debt
2) You are overweight
3) You have marriage problems
4) You have no life outside the home
5) Your spending is out of control
6) Your bored and lack 'a life'
7) You lack self-esteem/confidence
I am only bullet pointing as your post has so much info in it I thought I would summerise as it helps focus the mind and look at each bullet as a header for a plan of action.

1) You have money worries with £30k debt
Is this debt manageable with your incomings - if not then get help from somewhere like the CAB who can help negotiate with creditors (the last thing you want is another credit card)!

2) You are overweight
Fine - who isn't! if it is a problem for you then take the initiative and do something about it, first of all cut out the junk food - you know it is not doing you any favours and I know you don't like to go out but its amazing what a good walk could do for you, it will not only burn off excess calories, aids digestion but also clears the cobwebs from the mind. Get the kids out also - start with a short 15min walk and build up from there. I have dogs to walk every day and it really lifts my spirits walking them in the park/nature reserve and I have not put on a pound in weight in the last 13 years because of the walking! I meet lots of people too and have made some friends over the years.

3) You have marriage problems
You sound really unhappy as does you OH - however reading between the lines - is it not a matter of you both are bogged down in the domestic side of your life - rather then lack of love between you? Outside interests are really important in a relationship as it gives you something else to focus on and something else to talk about. At least you OH has his work but you really need to do something away from the house - you have respite so use it! go to the library and see what activities they have there, go for a walk, go get your nails/hair done.

4) You have no life outside the home
As above - once you take those first baby steps then move onto taking up some hobbies; photography, rambling, painting, book club, night school. I know change is difficult but you really can't live like this so something has got to change.

5) Your spending is out of control

Shounds like you and your OH are doing this more out of boredom than anything else and does not help your financial situation - if the two of you could channel your time into something else then there would be less time and inclination to 'shop'.

6) Your bored and lack 'a life'

Sounds like you are existing rather then living - only you can change this!

7) You lack self-esteem/confidence

Only because you have become a hermit! I am sure you will restore your self-esteem by setting yourself small challenges i.e.
a) today I will go to the CAB to get help re. debts.
b) today I will go for a 15 min walk
c) today I will have a healthy meal and forgo that dessert/chocolate
every time you succeed in a task your self esteem will rise a little.

I am no agony aunt but I believe you can get out of this rut - its not rock bottom - I think you could turn your life around in months if you would embrace some little changes and look at things as a challenge rather than fear them! Hope things work out x

What a fab advice post:AI agree with someone else who said the OP sounds depressed.I have had clinical depression and have felt more or less the same on and off for years.The little and often approach is great for housework and tasks, and you need to sit down and have a really good talk with your OH:A

louise3965

You sound like you need a friend. Someone on your side, who cares. Stay posting on here and that will come x

Little_bit_dizzy

Hi hadenough2011, just wanted to say I hope you have had a better day today.

Let us know how you are doing.

Diz x