Hit rock bottom

hadenough2011

I’ve finally hit rock bottom. It’s taken me a few years to reach it. I now spend more time feeling unhappy than I do feeling happy. It's maybe a 80/20 split.

Im 50 and my life is horrible and I don't know how to change it. I hate what I am and what I have but I'm so scared of change that I do nothing.

My marriage is all but over, my husband doesn't think he loves me anymore and he hates his life too. He says he wont leave just now as we have so much debt and he’s a good man at heart who wouldn’t dump and run but we don’t act like a couple, we just go through the motions.

We are £30,000 in debt, all on credit cards and my husband's hours have just been cut which will put even more pressure on our finances. We've got 3 cards with promo periods which all end within 6 weeks of each other and we wont now get new cards to BT to beacause of DH wage cut. I got to know about this site when I was looking for money advice on the net but i dont think there's an answer here for all my problems.

I have no friends or family of my own other than my husband and 2 kids, one of whom has Downs.

I have no life, I stay home with the kids all day every day.

I'm very overweight and unfit. I comfort eat. I'm always very tired because I'm fat. We do have a healthy diet, i make sure the kids get balanced meals with plenty fruit and veg but I eat loads of junk food on top of that too.

I comfort spend. Buying things online and eating things is the only things that make me happy. Maybe my husband is the same because he likes to buy things too.

We saw a counsellor who told us, instead of thinking about what the other person brings or doesn't bring to the relationship, think about what you, yourself bring. I don't bring anything. All I do now is mind the kids and sit on the couch. I don't even clean the house anymore. I hate it. I'm no catch. I understand why my husband doesn't love me now. There's nothing left of the person I was. Think about replacing the bubbly, nicely dressed girl next door with Nora Batty and you'll get the picture. I look awful, I've got nothing interesting to say, I struggle to have 5 minutes conversation in a day. I'm bored and boring. All I know is the kids.

I watch my husband when he's with his sister and he laughs at her every word. They chat about everyday things and they have a lot in common. When she visits he offers her coffee and asks if she wants dessert but doesn't bother asking me, or if he does it's an after thought. I feel so left out and alone. My DD is in the next room with her Dad and her aunt now whilst they make some new soup recipe SIL found. It's like I'm a stranger in my own family, I feel like an outsider.

I sometimes feel I'm in limbo, just waiting and passing time until I die. It's like there's no me, I'm just a robot going through the motions until my body wears out. I see all these people talking about jobs and family and lives and I envy them.

I went to the Doctor but he says I'm not depressed, I'm just unhappy and stressed. I get respite for my DS but a few hours here and there doesn't make any difference to me. I've got nowhere to go,no-one to go with and no money to spend getting there so what's the point. its just the same, stuck in the house with or without my DS it's no different. I'm scared of meeting people now, new situations make me really nervous, I'm almost reclusive now and feel physically sick at the thought of having to do anything that takes me out of my comfort zone. I can go to the same shops to get the messages but I dont want to go out anywhere else, i just want to sit on the same couch I usually hate sitting on. I'm a mess. My life is a mess.

I dont need sympathy i just needed to let some of this out. I can’t see how things will ever change, I’ve not got the guts to start trying. How do people turn things around when they’re on their own? What’s wrong with me that I can’t? I want to be someone else, the kind of person who has interests and can talk to people, who is motivated and can just sort things out.

We're getting all the benefits we're entitled to and DH is lucky he still has a job at all and if I managed better and stopped spending money on rubbish we'd cope better with the debt. I saw the board with the SOA thing but I don’t know if I want to do that, its really personal. The money is only a small part of what's wrong in my life. I think I’m the biggest thing that’s wrong.

I'm sorry this was so long, i didnt mean to go on as much. I just felt really low and it all spilled out.

bertiebots

I think you should go back and see your doctor or even better see another doctor. Sounds to me like you are very depressed and need someones help to start getting your life back. Please make an appointment to see someone asap . It may be very hard for you to do ,but perhaps you should print off what you have written here and show your GP .

AnnaV

Also join the debt-free wannabe board - they are very helpful and lots of them have been is same/worse situations than you and are now looking forward to a new chapter in their lives. x

patchwork_cat

I second what both of the above 2 posters have said , debt free wannabee are great as is old style - you will make lots of friends if you join the dailies, and the diaries. Also go back to your Dr.

sarriep

You definitely need to get help from somewhere and as the others said - your doctor - or another would be a start. Writing on here shows that you know you need help and there are people out there who can listen to you and they will know how best to support you through this time. You could try The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 for someone to talk to. It would be a start. And please contact CCCS to discuss your finances. We are FAR from being sorted financially but they have been invaluable in helping us to begin to sort out our huge debts.
And of course you are important! I have a lot of respect for you caring for a child with Downs. Your children need you - but they need a happy you! Have you looked at support groups for parent of children with Downs Syndrome? It would also be a different interest for you. I'm sorry if some of this doesn't seem helpful but you should not be going through life feeling this bad when there are people out there who can help. Does your husband realise how terrible you feel? He may not realise the extent of your sadness. Best wishes.

concerned43

So let me see
1) You have money worries with £30k debt
2) You are overweight
3) You have marriage problems
4) You have no life outside the home
5) Your spending is out of control
6) Your bored and lack 'a life'
7) You lack self-esteem/confidence
I am only bullet pointing as your post has so much info in it I thought I would summerise as it helps focus the mind and look at each bullet as a header for a plan of action.

1) You have money worries with £30k debt
Is this debt manageable with your incomings - if not then get help from somewhere like the CAB who can help negotiate with creditors (the last thing you want is another credit card)!

2) You are overweight
Fine - who isn't! if it is a problem for you then take the initiative and do something about it, first of all cut out the junk food - you know it is not doing you any favours and I know you don't like to go out but its amazing what a good walk could do for you, it will not only burn off excess calories, aids digestion but also clears the cobwebs from the mind. Get the kids out also - start with a short 15min walk and build up from there. I have dogs to walk every day and it really lifts my spirits walking them in the park/nature reserve and I have not put on a pound in weight in the last 13 years because of the walking! I meet lots of people too and have made some friends over the years.

3) You have marriage problems
You sound really unhappy as does you OH - however reading between the lines - is it not a matter of you both are bogged down in the domestic side of your life - rather then lack of love between you? Outside interests are really important in a relationship as it gives you something else to focus on and something else to talk about. At least you OH has his work but you really need to do something away from the house - you have respite so use it! go to the library and see what activities they have there, go for a walk, go get your nails/hair done.

4) You have no life outside the home
As above - once you take those first baby steps then move onto taking up some hobbies; photography, rambling, painting, book club, night school. I know change is difficult but you really can't live like this so something has got to change.

5) Your spending is out of control

Shounds like you and your OH are doing this more out of boredom than anything else and does not help your financial situation - if the two of you could channel your time into something else then there would be less time and inclination to 'shop'.

6) Your bored and lack 'a life'

Sounds like you are existing rather then living - only you can change this!

7) You lack self-esteem/confidence

Only because you have become a hermit! I am sure you will restore your self-esteem by setting yourself small challenges i.e.
a) today I will go to the CAB to get help re. debts.
b) today I will go for a 15 min walk
c) today I will have a healthy meal and forgo that dessert/chocolate
every time you succeed in a task your self esteem will rise a little.

I am no agony aunt but I believe you can get out of this rut - its not rock bottom - I think you could turn your life around in months if you would embrace some little changes and look at things as a challenge rather than fear them! Hope things work out x

nomuny

Hi
I don't have all of your problems but I can identify with most of it -I too went to a Dr to be told I wasn't depressed it was my circumstances making me feel like this. I have a few friends but I feel like they're not really that bothered whether they keep in touch or not and am rarely invited anywhere. My relationship is amess but its me who doesn't want to be in it, although I ve been into solutions I don't do anything about it cos maybe the wrong person is better than no-one. I feel like I.ve acheived very little in my life apart from my kids and wonder if this is it am I gonna be unhappy for the rest of my life. I comfort eat, frequently start healthy eating and excercise only for something to happen to send me back down and go back to the choccy bar. I find it hard to motivate myself some days and am worried that when the kids leave home there'l be no reason to bother with anything. I'd go and see a different Dr and as was said before maybe show them your post. I can't offer any other advice apart from if you want to talk feel free to Pm me - maybe we can help one another through. xx

nervousftb_3

concerned43 wrote: »

its amazing what a good walk could do for you, it will not only burn off excess calories, aids digestion but also clears the cobwebs from the mind. Get the kids out also - start with a short 15min walk and build up from there. I have dogs to walk every day and it really lifts my spirits walking them in the park/nature reserve and I have not put on a pound in weight in the last 13 years because of the walking!

Firstly, I just want to say you are not alone and you will get lots of help from the lovely people on here so please keep posting!

Secondly, I wanted to highlight the above point from concerned43 - I know it might seem daunting but I genuinely believe a bit of gentle exercise can do wonders. I'm not saying your life would instantly change but a short walk may help you clear your mind and get some perspective on things. Try and use the time to think of all the positives in your life. You have raised two children so you are clearly not worthless. Even if you think it won't do any good, please give it a try as I really think it just might give you a tiny lift and little by little you'll get the courage to start making changes.

Thirdly, your finances - head over to the Debtfree wannabe board and read some of the posts on there for a bit of inspiration on how to make a start at tackling your debts. Fill in an SOA - you don't need to show anyone else but it may help to show you where your money is going and help you get a clearer picture of it all.

And lastly, good luck, things will get better.

esmerelda98

Apart from a brief query yesterday, I haven't posted in quite a while, but something in your post called out to me. When there are so many things you are unhappy with, it can be difficult to know where to start. I think you would get a tremendous boost from making an acheivement in some area. I would just start with one area or you may just get overwhelmed. So perhaps improving your fitness levels, initially without aiming for weight loss. If you just go walking around your local area, or do a DVD at home, that would side-step your fear of the unfamiliar. Perhaps in time you could consider an Open University course, something you can do at home to start with. When I faced a lot of uncertainty in my life, and to some extent I had lost my identity, I remember the tremendous sense of achievement I had when I started exercising regularly and losing weight - something I'd been putting off for ages.

carefullycautious

Think about replacing the bubbly, nicely dressed girl next door with Nora Batty


For every Nora Batty theres a compo somewhere

Have you got a piece of music you love that you could dance to in the house.

A comedy you can watch on You Tube that you can laugh at

As others have said start with small steps.

You can change the way you think about things. Good luck

You reap what you sow in life

emylou

Didn't want to read & run, I could relate a lot of what you said to how my Mum often tells me she feels. My Mum suffers from depression but has only recently discussed it with me. I think the previous posts bring up some very good points; I hope you can find the strength to go to the Dr, maybe with a print out of what you've typed here so you have a starting point.
Exercise will help; your mood and also your self confidence. Meeting with other parents of Down's Syndrome children will also allow you to stop feeling alone, enable you to have some time out of the house and also maybe help develop friendships.

Take care of yourself x