Problems with son's nursery

moppet_217

I am hoping that posting this here will give me some prespective or advice on how to handle this situation.

My 3 year old has been at his nursery for 2 years and we have never had any major issues.

I went to collect my son yesterday afternoon and the head teacher asked to see me in her office. I was presented with a list of my son's "challenging behaviour" from that day. This is the first I even knew that they were having any issues with him, she than went on to tell me they have since christmas. They have now put him onto a monitoring system and all his negative behaviour will be written down so he can be spoken to with us at the end of the day.

One of the things on the list was my son calling other kids poo poo heads. We raised this with staff in November as our son was being repeaditley called this by a group of three older boys. It was laughed off by the staff and they had said they had let it go because it was just something they thought was funny. Now as we predicted our son has started doing it. The head teacher than went on to tell me by him doing this he is being a bully.

He was also comming home for most of november and december with his back covered in pich marks.

I am not claiming in any way that my son is an angel yes he can be naughty, he will push boundries and this is not my issue.

My main proplem is why I was never informed in the last 6 weeks if there has been problems with his behaviour during this time.

And also why the behaviour I raised that was laughed of now has my son put into the bully box.

My other main concern is that by only tracking my sons negative behaviour and asking staff to do this, that this is all they will see. And than sitting him down talking about all the things he done wrong is not going to help him much.

He is due to go into tomorrow so I am trying to arrange to see the head teacher to discuss this before I leave him for the day, but at the moment I feel like I have lost trust in them and I am worried about the lack of communication, and I am ready just to take him out of this nursery and find somewhere else.

Plans_all_plans

I would go and speak to the Headteacher and say that you are not happy your concerns were not addressed in November about the name-calling. Ask why it has taken so long for you to be made aware of the issues.

However, the problem will be that staff will have picked up on a range of bad behaviour (part of which is the name calling, which is a small part of a wider problem) and so want to speak to you (which I agree should have been sone sooner, but maybe because of his age, they wanted to see if it wss just a stage he was going through before escalating the matter)

Personally I would not withdraw my son from the school at this point. The problems may continue elsewhere. Try to work with the school in addressing the problems they say they're facing and encourage your son's good behaviour. If you use strategies at home to praise good behaviour, then tell the Head and ask that 'praising' techniques are implemented in school too.

If, after trying to tackle the issue in conjunction with the nursery leads to no improvement in behaviour within the next term, then consider moving him.

brians_daughter

goodness, i would be requesting another meeting and relaying to them what you have said here.

My son is only 2.5yrs and if he even has an 'off day' ie last week he was ill (no excuse) but was lashing out at the staff when they woke him from his nap by trying to hit them... they explained to me the same day the behaviour he had displayed. i explained he had been ill over the weekend and they took this into account and realised its not in his usual behaviour pattern.

It is practice in my sons nursery to get a daily diary of events ie what they have eaten, how they have slept, what they have done activity wise and how they have behaved.... do they not offer such a system? If they do i would ask why it has not been noted in his record book..if not i would ask that they start to implement it.

You may find that the behaviour is now classed as bullying rather than banter as a more senior member of staff has witnessed him saying teh words? Again, not the issue and your initial complaint should have been looked into. TBH if it was me (highensight is a wonderful thing lol) I wouldnt have left it initially if i felt my son was being bullied by older boys..but sometimes i know all too well how as parents we are left to feel over protective or over reacting.

At the end of the day you NEED to have trust in your care provider... ATM that trust has gone and whilst i do not condone interupting a childs care giver routine and provider on a whim i certianally would consider it given what you have said. Saying that please dont make a rash decision, see whoever is in charge and give it til afteer the weekend prior to you making any decisions.

Hope you can get it all sorted

sassyblue

Blimey what terrible treatment!

You definitely need another meeting to express your disgust that your previous concerns about 'poo poo head' were laughed off and yet now your son has been told he's a bully

IMO no child at 3 years old should be told he's a bully. They're not going to understand the concept or understand what it means - except that it's something negative and no child should feel 'written off' at that age! And they think a 3 year old is going to sit with you and them at the end of the day and go through his behaviour?? Again a negative no, no.

They've been out of order to just land this on you when they say they've had issues since Dec but equally l don't understand why you let the pinch marks on your sons back be passed off somehow, this was happening for most of 2 months?

It obvious whatever happens you and the nursery should be working together to rectify everything, but before you go froward the most important question is..... do you think you can carry on with your son attending at this nursery?

Good luck x

onlyroz

By the sounds of it, the nursery is willing to overlook one-off incidents, but if persistent bad behaviour is observed then they will raise it with the parents. It is a good thing that they are taking extra measures to observe your son, because it is much better for behavioural problems to be nipped in the bud now, while they are relatively minor, than to be allowed to continue and get out of hand.

Do not worry about your son being labelled as a bad boy forever. If the staff know their jobs at all then they will encourage and praise the good behaviour and discourage the bad. My son was briefly labelled as a "bad boy" when he first started this school year - and I worried that the teachers wouldn't be able to see past this - but the school has kept a close eye on him, monitoring his behaviour as appropriate, and have been really pleased by his improvement in behaviour and his increased level of focus in his classes.

mountainofdebt

I'm not taking the Head's side here but could it be that by not raising the subject with you immediately, they were seeing if they could nip the problem in the bud.

Personally I would take a step back and arrange for a meeting after the weekend - the reason I say this is for you to rationally think about things - you've mentioned that your son was being called and know he is doing the name calling as you predicted. If you're anything like me you're kicking yourself for not mentioning it yesterday.

What I would also do is write don't a list of all the points you want to discuss at this meeting - such as only negative behaviour being discussed - its amazing of all the things you think of before hand but forget the moment you step inside the room.

The other thing I would do this weekend is to talk to your son and find out why he calls the other children names. It doesn't have to be a 'formal' thing it can be whilst your both doing something so that he talks to you unaware of what you're really doing and doesn't clam up

JodyBPM

If my son was showing "challenging behaviour", doing naughty things like calling other children names etc, I would want to know about it, and want them to be put on monitoring. I wouldn't expect other parents to be told about it though, and I wouldn't expect to know what actions may or may not have been in place for similar behaviour from other children.

If anything, the fact that this challenging behaviour has been going on since christmas, and they've not raised it with you before shows that they were giving your DS every chance, and certainly not jumping into labelling/treating him as a "naughty child".

If I were you, I would be considering how you and the nursery can work together to deal with your son's naughty behaviour, and not worrying about what other children may/may not have done. That is not your problem or your responsibility, but your son's behaviour is, and it needs dealing with.

Liquorice_Twirls

Why should they just make a list of all the negative behaviour? Shouldn't they be looking for positive behaviour and promoting that with your son? All they are doing is looking for evidence that confirms your son is a "bully".

If your son has pinch marks that should be investigated by the nursery too.

My nephew says poo poo head now and again and tbh if we ignore it he tends to go and play with a toy or something. Whilst some behaviour should be stopped immediately such as violence or dangerous behaviour, at 3 you (as the adult) have to pick your battles. If poo poo head is the worst that the nursery heard I would be amazed these days.

moppet_217

JodyBPM wrote: »

If my son was showing "challenging behaviour", doing naughty things like calling other children names etc, I would want to know about it, and want them to be put on monitoring. I wouldn't expect other parents to be told about it though, and I wouldn't expect to know what actions may or may not have been in place for similar behaviour from other children.

If anything, the fact that this challenging behaviour has been going on since christmas, and they've not raised it with you before shows that they were giving your DS every chance, and certainly not jumping into labelling/treating him as a "naughty child".

If I were you, I would be considering how you and the nursery can work together to deal with your son's naughty behaviour, and not worrying about what other children may/may not have done. That is not your problem or your responsibility, but your son's behaviour is, and it needs dealing with.

I have no problems with them dealing with my son's behaviour. As I mentioned he is not an angel. I did want to know about it not find out all of a sudden it has been going on for six weeks and the first thing mentioned to me about this to be that he is going on monitoring is a bit of a shock. Every day I pick him up I ask how he has been and every day I am told fine, his been good no problems.

We have lots going on at home at the moment, and at christmas he had lots of family from overseas at our house and they all left at the end of January so he has had alot to deal with. I feel the nuresry should have discussed this with me properly to find out about behaviour changes at home, with friends etc and any possible reasons for this sudden change.

The point I was trying to make about the name calling is he picked it up from there and he is not the only one doing so there is no point them trying to address it with just my DS when others are doing it around him. It is very hard to tell a three year old not to do something when it has been precived as ok for so long. I asked him why he is doing it and his answer was "because they said it to me"

We did not let the pinch marks be passed of we persued it on several occasions and they stopped appearing after christmas. We pressumed that the staff had sortered it, but maybe our son has decided to take matters into his own hands.

We have a meeting with the head teacher tomorrow my DH is coming aswell, i have 2 pages of questions and things I have spoken to my son about and what he has said. I have recvied an e-mail today assuring us that his behaviour is by no means "bad or unusual" he is pushing the boundries as a three year old should. That we do not need to worry. She also mentioned all these incedents recorded occured in the morning and he was fine after lunch.

JodyBPM

moppet_217 wrote: »

The point I was trying to make about the name calling is he picked it up from there and he is not the only one doing so there is no point them trying to address it with just my DS when others are doing it around him. It is very hard to tell a three year old not to do something when it has been precived as ok for so long. I asked him why he is doing it and his answer was "because they said it to me"

.

But how do you know that the other children doing the same are not being monitored in the same way? I presume you would not be happy with the staff discussing your sons behaviour and monitoring with other parents? In fact you say that the nursery have said your child's behaviour is normal for 3, so quite possibly there are a group of them doing it. Just because other children do it, doesn't make it OK! All the children are most likely being monitored for it.

I just think you need to chill out. It just sounds like your DS (and possibly other children) are showing show behaviour that the nursery do not feel is appropriate, and so the nursery have talked to you about it, and are looking at monitoring to stop the behaviour persisting. Which is surely what you would want/expect them to do?

Its highly unlikely that your son is being treated differently to his peers. Just because they only discuss your son's behaviour with you doesn't mean they aren't dealing with other children in the same way too.

moppet_217

JodyBPM wrote: »

But how do you know that the other children doing the same are not being monitored in the same way? I presume you would not be happy with the staff discussing your sons behaviour and monitoring with other parents? In fact you say that the nursery have said your child's behaviour is normal for 3, so quite possibly there are a group of them doing it. Just because other children do it, doesn't make it OK! All the children are most likely being monitored for it.

I just think you need to chill out. It just sounds like your DS (and possibly other children) are showing show behaviour that the nursery do not feel is appropriate, and so the nursery have talked to you about it, and are looking at monitoring to stop the behaviour persisting. Which is surely what you would want/expect them to do?

Its highly unlikely that your son is being treated differently to his peers. Just because they only discuss your son's behaviour with you doesn't mean they aren't dealing with other children in the same way too.

If you read my earlier post the staff are aware of the name calling from when it was happening to my son and the staff laughed and said they were letting this behaviour go. So yes I do feel my son is being treated diffrently.