Mother died - dealing with guilt

shays_mum

So sorry for your loss (((((big hugs))))). Maybe when your upto it, you could look at counselling to help you with what your feeling:grouphug: x

sjc3

Im very sorry for your loss. Please dont feel guilty though. It is not your fault that your mothers upbringing effected the way she interacted and had relationships with people.

I must admit I struggle with the idea that because someone has an awful childhood it explains away their adult behaviour. Lots of people have very bad starts but manage to go on to lead loving, happy lives.

My own childhood was not good. However it made me determined to have a happy, loving family of my own one day. Not to go on and treat those around me the way I had been treated.

I hope this makes sense. Its very difficult to get the right tone on forums.

vodkafrog

It sounds like a very difficult time for you just now, however it appears that your mothers was very damaged by her own upbringing, it is unlikley that anything you could have done as her child would have had any significant impact. As adults we have to make choices about how best to protect ourselves emotionally, it sounds like you made the best choice, particulary as you have children of your own. There is lots of research in this area, however one of the most important elements that keeps appearing is the "breaking of the chain of emotional abuse", I would encourage you to look forward rather than backward. Enjoy your life, your children and celebrate the person you are rather than regret the person you had never been ( in your mothers eyes only) . The person your mother would have wanted you to be was never achiveable anyway. Good Luck

scottish_lassy

Thank you all for your replies and your words of support. Shelley_Crow - sounds like exactly the same personality order my mother had

Following posting this morning, I went for a five mile walk to clear my head and then called to visit my daughter who remined me how nasty my mother (chose) to be and put things in more perspective. I got through the funeral, visited the grave and now feel so much better. I still have a whole house to go through before it is returned to the housing authority

I will now be free not to be criticised all the time and accept that maybe she is now at peace, which she definately wasn't through life. I have now seen that it wasn't that she didn't love the people in her life, but she didn't love herself.

kelloggs36

People are all different - some people react positively to negative behaviour, others don't. By that, I mean she was obviously affected by her upbringing, and responded in a way that was natural to her - some people might find that difficult to understand, but I believe that she knew no different, and probably had demons to fight with all the time but found it hard to deal with them. My dad had an 'abusive' mother - I don't mean physically, but she neglected him and was incredibly selfish. He vowed that he would never be like that to his own children - and he truly wasn't - he always said that we would have what he could give us, and he would ensure that we always knew we were loved. She didn't instill this in him, but he was able to project how he felt and prevent it happening again. Others can't get to that stage - I feel your mum was probably the latter. Whatever her reasons for her behaviour, it wasn't your fault - please don't feel guilty about something you had no control over. Take some comfort in the evidence that you have found that she did indeed love you, but she just couldn't show it. You don't sound like you would or have issues in showing love yourself, so you have the power and knowledge to prevent this cycle from continuing.

runningwoman

I had similar issues to you as a child - emotionally manipulative and physically violent parents whom I'm now estranged from.

I think a lot of what needs to be said has been said in earlier replies. I offer no advice, as I don't believe in it

However, just thought I'd add a bit of my own experience. Looking back, one thing that stood out from my upbringing was the fact that the parent/child roles were "inverted". The adult parent should be the stable, consistent emotionally responsible one - and the child left not to worry about other people's feelings and just "be a child".

But somehow (certainly in my case) it ended up that even as a young girl, I ended up feeling responsible for my parents unhappiness and happiness. The message being that everyone else's feelings should be put ahead of my own.

Even now, my mother maintains that she did nothing wrong, and any family problems were caused by the evil and spiteful behaviour of my siblings and I (the woman has a PhD and she appears to believe babies and small children have Machievellian tendencies). And she expects me to preserve her "reputation" by not opening up about her issues - whilst she can badmouth me and get sympathy for having such a wayward daughter.

I've found the best solution is to completely cut off direct contact. I suspect, when her time comes, there will be mementoes of my mothers "love" for me in her possession. The immediate reaction will be sorrow, I'm sure. Genuine sorrow. I have feelings, and I'm not sorry and I'm not ashamed I do.

I don't hate her, and I'm sorry for her, but I will not take any guilt upon myself for how she behaved. I spent a lot of my childhood hiding my own feelings so my parents emotional narcissim could flourish, took the depression and the low self esteem that went with it. And now I owe it to myself to put my own needs first.

All the best and thank you for raising such a sensitive issue. It can be very difficult to talk about this kind of thing, but whenever one person opens up, then a lot of others feel less alone

(slightly off topic - it annoys me when such a big thing is made of "stranger danger" - no offence to lovely ones :A but the fact remains that the main risk to children is from their parents!)