Mother died - dealing with guilt

scottish_lassy

Just need to get this out folks, so please bear with me.

My relationship with my mother had been very difficult and in recent years had been non existent. This had been due to some very manipulative and controlling behaviour ever since we were children.

She died peacefully on Saturday and going through her stuff, it is heartrending at what she kept. Loads of sentimental mementos of her children and grandchildren who she could not maintain relationships with. Her brother arrived for the funeral (which is today) and started talking for the first time about the abusive childhood they both had at the hands of my granny. This explains so much of my mother's behaviour which now I know was 'learned,.

Given the stuff she kept, she must have desperately wanted to be loved and I now feel torn apart by the fact that I didn't show her the compassion and understanding she obviously needed.

She will have gone through life thinking her mother didn't love her and her children also abandoned her, probably confirming her belief that she was unlovheable. Now, it is too late to change anything which hurts unbelievably. For the first time in my life, I really hope there is an afterlife and she can find peace and love and know that we now understand.

God, this hurts! Please, everybody who has difficult relationships, remember to 'hate the sin, not the sinner' - I wish I'd learned that lesson sooner.

floss2

I'm sorry for your loss.

It seems as though you are starting to understand why your mother was the way she was - you weren't to know this before she died as she was obviously unable to tell you what she and her brother had gone through.

Guilt is a natural reaction to something like this, but you couldn't have been expected to know and please also hold onto your thought "For the first time in my life, I really hope there is an afterlife and she can find peace and love and know that we now understand."

I am sure that in time by understanding her upbringing you will be able to accept that she couldn't help being the way she was, it was as you say "learned" behaviour, and she obviously tried to come to terms with it herself by holding onto all her treasures.

Maybe you might want to think about some counselling in the future, when you feel ready to talk about your relationship with your mother and your grief is not so raw?

Molly41

Her treasures will have given her comfort. I too have a very difficult relationship with my mother and she has passed onto me a lot of her insecurities. I have taken the bull by the horns and am dealing with my issues so I dont pass them on to my children. That's the greatest thing that you can do for your mother - to have understanding and compassion for all your present and future relationships. Im so sorry for your loss x

Any

Sorry to hear that OP.

Do not beat yourself over it though.. You are looking at the worse possible direction.
I do not believe in "her behaviour was learnt so she deserved to have the right to treat me wrong". Sorry.

You live your life just once and there is no justification in the world in my eyes that excuses to live it in abuse.

Mojisola

scottish_lassy wrote: »

My relationship with my mother had been very difficult and in recent years had been non existent. This had been due to some very manipulative and controlling behaviour ever since we were children.

She died peacefully on Saturday and going through her stuff, it is heartrending at what she kept. Loads of sentimental mementos of her children and grandchildren who she could not maintain relationships with. Her brother arrived for the funeral (which is today) and started talking for the first time about the abusive childhood they both had at the hands of my granny. This explains so much of my mother's behaviour which now I know was 'learned,.

Given the stuff she kept, she must have desperately wanted to be loved and I now feel torn apart by the fact that I didn't show her the compassion and understanding she obviously needed.

She will have gone through life thinking her mother didn't love her and her children also abandoned her, probably confirming her belief that she was unlovheable. Now, it is too late to change anything which hurts unbelievably. For the first time in my life, I really hope there is an afterlife and she can find peace and love and know that we now understand.

God, this hurts! Please, everybody who has difficult relationships, remember to 'hate the sin, not the sinner' - I wish I'd learned that lesson sooner.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so bad but I don't think there is anything you could have done about her problems.

If you had showed her compassion and understanding, the chances are that she would have used your sympathy to manipulate you further.

If one person has lost connection with all her relatives because of her behaviour, it's unlikely that she could have been helped by "hating the sin, not the sinner".

It sounds as if she was badly damaged by her upbringing but that wasn't your fault and you don't need to feel guilty. Don't let how your grandmother treated her children control you from beyond both their graves.

Be kind to yourself during these early weeks until you can get some perspective on the situation.

ellie101

hello Scottish lassy... I'm sorry for your loss, and try not to beat yourself up.

What your mother's brother has said may give you some understanding towards your mother, but it doesn't excuse her treatment of you.

My mother was a bit of a nightmare, and my father was terrible. Dad had an awful childhood. I don't think I'll ever really forgive either of them completely though, however I've worked through my feelings about my mother during her long illness and in the 2 years after her death (and finally no longer hating my dad, which I'm telling you something is a huge burden off my back, really pleased).

What I found in my experience is that guilt, anger, and lots of other things are a normal part of the grieving process, but if you start to get stuck there it's worth getting counselling. Guilt really drags you down, I had it for so long as I made decisions about some things (to do with my mother's care, and also about a couple of things I did to my mother) that I thought turned out badly. But guilt does not change a thing, won't make the past better, won't help you. It made me feel ill.

I sometimes find with counselling though that talking about it for years can get you stuck there, so sometimes it's finding the right person. I write things out as well, I found putting it on paper (for my eyes only) got it out in some ways, and I'm having hypnotherapy at moment, woman I'm seeing is great, she's helped me a lot.

Some people can just move on and I couldn't, see how things go in the coming months, feeling up and down and everything else is part of it, take care of yourself and get help if needs be.

shelley_crow

I'm really sorry about your loss I understand some of what you're going through, my dad died two years ago and I had not seen him for 7 years previously due to his and my mom's actions. All I can say is that you can only judge actions. My dad could have opened up to me but chose not to, that was his decision and ultimately affected the outcome. I know more know than I did then but can honestly say I wouldn't do anything different.

Be kind to yourself and don't think "what if?" it's not helpful and will make you feel a lot worse. Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to xx

Counting_Pennies_2

This could have been written by me, except, I haven't had to get to your ending yet. It is something I have agonised on for many a long night over how I will react when it does happen.

I wanted to say, that remember what it was like while she was still here. She was no doubt in a position where no matter what approach you had made to her, that the behaviour would still have been the same, and a similar outcome to the one you are in would still have happened.

My mother had a dreadful upbringing, my father too. They did their best, but it didn't stop my childhood from being really badly affected, that I ended up a very messed up young adult.

It has taken many a year with counselling, countless psychological disorders, and having to move away from the manipulation/controlling that was going on in order to breathe. It has moved on into my adulthood and as a mother myself, and through counselling and the support of a lovely husband I am working hard not to make the same mistakes to my family.

One thing that came out of my counselling is that I have tried on many occasions to address the issues with both my parents, but it is something that is stonewalled. As if it would destroy them further to address it, to admit to the failings. So it has been best to leave her with her good memories of the times we were all growing up, and the rosy hindsight these photos give her.

She looks on me no doubt as the errant child who left her behind and made my own life, not interested in her anymore, rejecting her. That I am the one at fault. I think that is probably the kindest way to leave it for her well being.

hth x

shelley_crow

It's difficult to accept, especially now as an adult and a mother, that your parents don't always act in your best interests or want the best for you. Whether this is through experience or not, it's always a conscious choice I feel. I found recently that my mother fits the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and that my father was a classic enabler, suddenley my whole childhood makes sense.

x

victor2

Very sorry for your loss.
Try and channel the guilt into positive feelings towards your own children, if you have any, and those close to you. You have first hand experience how difficult life can be if the love you want to show is supressed, and have only found out at the end that the love was there.
No guarantee you'll get anything in return, but it might help ease the situation.

sueeve

You can only live and be responsible for things which you know about. It was your granny who was responsible for the abuse, not you, and although you do not indicate your mother's age I would guess that she was not of an era where she would let it all hang out, ask for support and counselling etc. All that you say is very, very sad, but understanding the reasons for her behaviour does not alter the fact that you found her manipulative and controlling, and you had to separate yourself from that. I think that the biggest thing you can do for her is to let it stop here. Explain to your own children so that they are not in the dark about the reasons for the problematic relationships in the family in times gone by, and then make them just that 'times gone by'. If there is an afterlife be assured that she will understand now, and know that she loved you although she could not show it.