advice.. someone i know is pregnant i think she needs help

mum2twinsx2

A lady i know has just found out she is pregnant again this will be her fifth child if she keeps it. She has a 6month old girl and three boys who are three, five and six.

Throughout the week, she has been asking me for her advice on what she should do, but have turnt her away saying only her and her partner can make that decision. She is keeps trying to ask me and im repeating constantly, that I will support her whatever she decides. Even though deep down i don`t think she should have it.

The reason is, she struggles with the children she has. Her house is literally gross, I won`t take the children to hers anymore. I know we can all have slob days, but this takes the biscuit.. the smells is not to great either. The children are constantly dirty, her son is in the same class as my daughters he fell in mud on wednesday had mud up the side of his face, and its still on his face today. The dad is quite rough with the children too, and encourages the boys to fight between themselves, punches, kicks the lot. Ive seen him slap the 3 boys around the head:eek: in middle of the park. A few weeks ago i was parked next to them at school and the five year old literally picked him up by the neck and chucked him in the car, the boy was screaming. The three year old frequently calling mum and dad f***ing d***head at the school gate. She will quiet happily admit that they have tea from deepfat fryer at least five nights a week. Takeaway other two nights. Once when i went round after school run, there was an almost empty used baby bottle on the table and she just refilled it with water from kettle and formula, i did wonder how long it had been sat on the table breeding germs. Her and her partner levels of hygiene arent great, youngest two are constantly ill. She constantly screaming at the children, if i walk back home and she is ahead of us some the things i hear her say to them. I could go on with similar things.

Neither of them work through choice, and have alot of debt from those high intrest loans where they collect money from your door. He spends alot money `doing up` his scrap cars. If i speak to her at school gate i will ask what theyve done today, normally response is nothing just watched tv.

I don`t know if its in my place to say something to her hinting or just keep zipped up? Just children i feel sorry for, I know four children are hardwork. But i also know it doesn`t take a couple mins to wipe sides down wash few dishes, and few minutes to run the hoover round.

Sorry it is long its really bugging me.

LittleMrsThrifty

Regardless of whether or not she has another baby, if you are concerned for the welfare of the children she already has you are duty bound to act.

Kaz2904

Hmm, you're in a difficult position aren't you?
How about, next time she asks you, turn it back on her. Ask her "What do you want to do?".
If she says she's worried about the extra work, direct her to flylady. It might be that her house is so grim she has no idea where to start? That could be making her depressed and therefore harder on the children than she wants to be?
I find that flylady is a miracle worker and can turn around your whole life. You remove the stress from the house and make it a home and people are more likely to be homely (IYSWIM?). It could just be that she really doesn't want to have the baby. You could always say to her that if she really doesn't want to have it then there are other options available.
Even so, eep! Wouldn't like to be in yours or her position......

Rebob

If, as you say, she is asking for help then do so but with caution. Help her go through the positives and negatives of keeping this one. Just dont tell her what to do then you cannot be held accountable when things dont go as expected.

Cara79

That is a very difficult one. Agree with the other poster about having a duty about the care of the children she does. I believe u could make an anon call....although I'm not the expert on this.

With ref to the 5th child, maybe she knows it's right not to have it & is looking for reassurance. I don't know, would be very hard to say something if she's a friend but maybe she is genuinely asking ur opinion.

Tricky tho
x

RAS

mum2twinsx2 wrote: »

. The dad is quite rough with the children too, and encourages the boys to fight between themselves, punches, kicks the lot. Ive seen him slap the 3 boys around the head:eek: in middle of the park. A few weeks ago i was parked next to them at school and the five year old literally picked him up by the neck and chucked him in the car, the boy was screaming. The three year old frequently calling mum and dad f***ing d***head at the school gate.

I am struggling to understand what you are saying here?

Does dad encourage the boys to kick each other? Or does he kick them?

You have written is that the 5 year picked up him - who is him?

Are you saying that the 3 yo calls his parents abusive names?

ashli_2

If you are concerned about the health, safety or well-being of the children, as it seems that you are, your first port of call must be to contact social services.

Any duty you feel to protect the privacy of your friend must come second to the duty you have to do anything in your power to safeguard the children. The parents have a choice in the way they live their lives, the children have none. Social services could offer much needed support, and keep an eye that the situation does not deteriorate any further.

Don't put it off. I am a teacher in a primary school in a very deprived area and I can say from experience that failure to act in these situations does leave vulnerable children exposed to abuse and neglect.

Oldernotwiser

You could suggest that she rings one of the abortion counselling services but make sure that you suggest one of the objective ones rather than the pro life ones.

meritaten

I dont want to judge these people (but its hard not to from what you say about them), but, could they be suffering depression? lord knows its hard to keep a house and four kids clean, but it can be done! If you are motivated to actually DO it!
hun, you are right not to give advice, I would just say to her 'why dont you talk to your gp/health visitor about your options and go from there'.
and an anonymous call to social services about the childrens living conditions and that you have seen the children being hit might not go amiss.

Plans_all_plans

Has she said what she feels right doing? TBH, if she's got to the stage where she has 4 kids she can't bring up properly, I can't see how she'll think adding a 5th will be any worse.

ETA: suggest that maybe she contacts HomeStart and her local children's centre in order to be able to cope better with the kids. Our local SureStart centre has a pre-school for kids of people who have been referred. Maybe this will give her a break in order to be able to 'see the light' where housework etc is concerned. Look here for a Homestart volunteer http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support She may feel better able to cope if she has support.

go_cat

It sounds like she is wanting someone to tell her not to have it / have it ..maybe she isn't in a strong enough mental state to make that decision

Maybe suggest she speaks to her doctor