Unsure why I'm posting, guess I need a little rant!

suited-aces

Noticed that you're newlyweds, don't be taking your husband for granted in all of this.

mountainofdebt

Perhaps I'm not the best person to comment on your problem (given I recently posted on how to get Junior to show some initiative) but what strikes me is that your sister is being given £200 a month as income support.

Now I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but what does your sister actually think this money is for?

At the moment, it sounds as if she is using the money for what she wants to spend it on - ie all the nice things in life such as going out etc - but surely some, if not the majority should be going to you and your OH to help cover the costs associated with having her living with you.

Firstly, she needs to be paying her own mobile phone bill - I pay Junior's and I don't mind the odd bill slightly over the monthly cost but when it was way over I made him give me the difference. Pained him to give me the money but I've never had cause to do it again.

With Junior it now looks as if he will be deferring his uni place and I've told him he needs to get a job. We've agreed that provided he saves half his wage (and I will want to see documentary proof !) then I will only expect a few ££s a week lodge of him. Probably won't cover the food bill but will focus his mind again that things cost money.

tbh if your sister wants to play the child card then she should be treated like a child; conversely if she wants to be treated as an adult then she needs to act (and be treated as) an adult in all aspects of the household and that includes contributing to the running of it.

Jinx

When I was a teenager and worked, I paid a third of my wages as 'digs'. So for 200 quid I would be paying around 65 quid as digs, which is more than you are taking off your sis. And had I had a mobile then I would have had to pay this too as well as my travel etc... I have often seen the third of wages thing bandied about the boards so it does seem quite a normal amount to hand over. IMO you need to up the digs and stop paying the mobile bill. Also any goodies your sis wants should be out her pocket after munching those bought in the monthly shop.

I understand its all a learning curve for teenagers - my daughter is at uni and went WAY over her mobile contract for the month soon after starting. Cue a panicked phone call home to ask if we could pay the bill for her but that she had negotiated a much more suitable package to start after the bill was paid. So we did pay and she learned to be more careful. We also give maintenance money to help her with food and project supplies; but its not enough for a serious partying lifestyle. So she works part time to fund that. One of her flatmates said she shouldnt be working while studying; that the parents should foot the bill - she disagrees with this and so do I. We all have to work to pay our way dont we?

Savvy_Sue

rozmister wrote: »

Housing of their own isn't always the best option for a vulnerable young person. It can be a case of out of the pan and into the fire because some of the people in them have a lot of issues and without the guidance and support a family unit would provide young people can get into a lot of scrapes.

I say this because my friend living in youth supported housing after leaving care and I lived in shared housing from 16 and it didn't do either of us much good!

That's true, but it CAN work, and it may be better than being dumped in a bedsit with minimal support. The thing is too, that if the OP knows that there may be an alternative, and can point out to sis what the alternative is, and that it won't be the 'soft option' she currently has, it may concentrate their minds ...

DS3 once said he'd report us to Social Services (I think we'd insisted on him washing up or something outrageous like that) and they'd put him into foster care. It was quite empowering to point out that actually, as he was over 16, there were various options available to him and that we were no longer obliged to put a roof over his head.

So if he wanted to move out we'd be happy to introduce him to the various support youth housing options in the area, all of which would require him to either study or get a job, and all of which would require him to pay rent, take care of his own room, shop and cook for himself, AND WASH UP!

rozmister wrote: »

I think explaining to her about money and telling her it's a like it or lump it situation might help as well as encouraging her to get a p/t job so she understands how much work goes into earning that money she so wants to spend!!

I agree. It's very hard for both of you, because you are having to parent her rather than sister her, but it's got to be done.

Also you and your DH need to present a united front. You both need to agree what's appropriate, and then would it help for DH to 'lay down the law'?

rozmister wrote: »

On a side note I think it's wonderful she has a sister like you that will support her she's very lucky. Maybe she could have some counselling to help with her issues but I'm sure the fact you love her and don't give up on her helps a lot

Very good ideas. The college almost certainly have someone she could talk to, she might find if she goes with an 'it's not fair my sister is so unreasonable' agenda that she gets told what a good deal she has! But teenagers are not renowned for their appreciation of someone else's situation ...

pollypenny

Oh you poor thing. Your sister is taking advantage, as was your mum. There's lots of good advice on the options open to her. You should talk seriously about what she hopes to get out of the college course and where it will lead.

I've seen too many teenagers just mess about in the 6th form, as jobs are so hard to come by. It's almost easier for those who know they want, and can get, a university place.

rozmister

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

That's true, but it CAN work, and it may be better than being dumped in a bedsit with minimal support. The thing is too, that if the OP knows that there may be an alternative, and can point out to sis what the alternative is, and that it won't be the 'soft option' she currently has, it may concentrate their minds ... .

As an alternative to a bedsit supported youth housing is definitely the best option but it can be hard to get a place as you can need referrals rather than just walking in and there's a lot of demand for spaces. Also more poorly run supported housing have issues with less savoury young people causing a lot of grief for more savoury young people and getting them into things they may not already do (recreational drugs, binge drinking, petty crime). In theory all of that isn't allowed but teenagers are crafty !!!!!!s! I know I sound like a martyr of doom but I've been and seen some supported youth housing and the quality, safety and accessibility varies greatly from unit to unit. Also some areas just don't have any (like rural areas)!!
Your idea about highlighting it as an option though is really good, maybe the OP could show her housing in her price range in the paper? Where I live £200 wouldn't get you anything and the first few things you'd get (£250 - £280 mark) are absolutely horrific.

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

DS3 once said he'd report us to Social Services (I think we'd insisted on him washing up or something outrageous like that) and they'd put him into foster care. It was quite empowering to point out that actually, as he was over 16, there were various options available to him and that we were no longer obliged to put a roof over his head.

I bet he soon gave up on the Social Services plan then!! Kids say the funniest things!

Peanuckle

rozmister wrote: »

Housing of their own isn't always the best option for a vulnerable young person. It can be a case of out of the pan and into the fire because some of the people in them have a lot of issues and without the guidance and support a family unit would provide young people can get into a lot of scrapes.

I say this because my friend living in youth supported housing after leaving care and I lived in shared housing from 16 and it didn't do either of us much good!

Definitely ask your local council what options they have available for youngsters who can't live with their parents. It varies widely between areas.

We took in a 17 year old lassie last March as she ran away from her abusive step-father and her mother basically said do what he wants or I disown you :mad:

I contacted our local council a few weeks ago as she was about to turn 18 and we needed to put our children first and find somewhere for her to go. They've sorted a bedsit for her and a support worker who will help with everything, including budgeting and running the house, for at least 6 months. If at the end of that time they feel that she needs more support they will extend the lease by 6 months and continue to do this for up to 2 years. By the end of which she should be able to sort her own budgeting etc, at this time they will arrange for her to transfer into a flat but stay in touch as long as she needs support.

She moves in in a fortnight and they are already working with her on getting housing benefit in place and helping with her income support now she has a part time job while she's still at school. They're also helping her get the basics together to kit the bedsit out, it's fully furnished so just bedding, cooking stuff etc. :T

On the other side, the other local council (we live on the border and her previous address would have meant they could help) could only offer a bedsit with no support and in a rough area. We know she wouldn't have coped and would, most likely, have been dragged into the drug/prostitution culture that is common in that area. :eek:


*edited to add*
I just emailed the young persons housing unit but they have said that no referral is required, youngsters often get dumped on the doorstep of the office by their parents on their 16th birthday (we're in Scotland so 16 is the legal age that they can be kicked out) I can't imagine how parents could ever treat their child like that though.

evespikey

I've seriously considered being in the situation you are in now...my boyfriend&I are 22, and I have a 15yr old sis who lives with my parents but in a horrible environment...I considered taking her in because I know I'd give her a better life but there would be rules she would have to follow to stay in my house, those being:

1. Go to school and do your work
2. No swearing or abusive language
3. No violence
4. No drugs, smoking or underage drinking
5. No sleepovers or sex unless I know the people you're with and you can prove it.
6. You cook a meal once a week
7. You do your own laundry and dishwashing
(and if I were in your situation, 8. would be pay your way- your own phone, and £30 month to food/bills)

What would she have to do in order for you to kick her out? My criteria is above, 1 offence results in a warning, the second gets her kicked out. You perhaps should consider your own criteria.

I sound harsh but you are doing her no favours and making your own life more miserable by not coming down hard about this. Let alone being a newlywed! I can't imagine how your husband feels, being a dad to a teenager that's not his.