Unsure why I'm posting, guess I need a little rant!

Doom_and_Gloom

She gives you £10/week out of £50/week and you pay her mobile? She really doesn't know how life works.

At one point years ago I lived in a flat share on JSA that was less than £50/week and out of that came my share of the rent, my share of bills, food, mobile etc and it was tight. Even when I lived at my parents and when I was on JSA of under £50/week I gave them £25/week out of that and paid my mobile. She is lucky to have so much money left over.

She may not be living with her parents but she is treating you and your husband as if you are her parents in my opinion. She needs to realise that you need to get out of debt and that if she were there or not you have to pay those debts off, the faster the better! She needs to understand that she has to pay her way and £10/week is not enough no matter how you look at it especially when you are paying her mobile giving you £20 to buy food and pay the extra in bills due to her. I would be tempted to tell her to take only £20 out and get a months worth of food with it for herself. I bet that it will do her between 1 and 2 weeks at most.
She really needs to pay her mobile bill herself. Do you know how long the contract was and how much is left if anything? If it is near the end I would be tempted to cancel it, even better if it has ended cancel it! Then give her a PAYG sim. That way she will have to pay for her own mobile.

Sorry but in your position I would most likely show her the door. I wouldn't feel guilty doing it as she is treating you and your husband as carpets. A dose of the real world is probably what she needs to be honest. There are people out there with the same benefits having to use their money to keep a flat going - maybe if she had to she would soon realise what a selfish person she was being with you.

Sammy_Dee

I agree that she needs to pay her own mobile. The contract is up in April and I'm not renewing it, I think she needs a sharp shock into the real world

She can go PAYT until she is 18 and then she can get her own mobile phone contract. I have no doubt she'll end up spending more on her mobile than she currently gives us. Last month she sent over 4000 text messages!


Thank you all for your opinions - definitely helping me feel better!


I know she is a little messed up with all the problems from our parents, I was lucky to get out at 18 and have the love and support of our grandparents, but sadly she has missed this.




I never knew being a parent would be such hard work!!

soupdragon10

TBH as newlyweds I think you and your husband are saints for putting up with this. Does she get EMA - no silly me she wouldn't qualify anyway as she doesn't attend regularly or take part when she's there.

You would be doing her no favours to let this slide - if she doesn't realise the value of what she has with you then she needs to be brought up to date with the realities of life. If she wants to eat she helps out more with the shopping bill. If she uses her mobile phone she pays for it. Somewhere to sleep isn't free unless she fancies a park bench.

If she is estranged from her home then there is no reason why she can't get a flat of her own and doesn't need to live with you so get her some details of accommodation agencies or suggest she speaks to the local housing department.

She is using the fact that you are her older sister, and is taking advantage of your good nature. The fact that you are overpaying is none of her business to be honest - you sound both sensible and level headed and I applaud your determination not to go down the same road as others in your family.

If she isn't committed to college perhaps she should either consider changing courses or be looking for a job or training. She does need to bear in mind that she is only going to get free college courses/training for a limited time so she needs to take advantage of this facility now.

KiKi

I just wanted to post to say that you sound like an amazing sister. Taking on a messed up 17 year old teenage girl when you're only 26 is a HUGE and phenomenally difficult challenge. The fact that you're even willing to do it says volumes about you, let alone what you're putting up with.

KiKi

esmf73

Firstly Hugs for you - you sound like an absolute diamond of a sister, one that she is lucky to have.

This is what I would do. IMMEDIATELY stop paying her mobile bill - she gets more than enough money to pay for it herself. Then, as you said, contact the mobile company to stop the contract - you have to contact them or they will automatically renew. Let her go onto PAYG, maybe it will teach her a thing or two.

Secondly, perhaps you should take a different take to the food bills...... Menu plan - with an eye on ensuring that you are providing all the nutrients that she needs. Any junk food or anything extra that she wants to snack on - chocolate, burgers, etc etc she will have to buy herself. If she would like to go with you when you do the bulk shop, great, but she has to choose and pay for her snacks herself.

Thirdly, I would agree on a small rent each week. Literally something small like £5 - just so that she realises that she cannot live in your house rent free. I would also ensure that she does jobs around the house - if necessary draw a rota up so that she can see that everyone has to do things to help.

Regarding the fact that you believe that she's not going to college, are you in the position that everyone has to get up at the same time (roughly?) Yes you might have to police this for a while, but you could draw up a contract outlining all the payments you expect her to make (and when you expect her to make them) and state that it is a condition of the contract that she attends college as and when required.

And tell her that if she won't attend that she'll have to go and live with someone else. It is a very difficult thing to do - and she won't like it one bit. BUT if you do it, and stick with it and tell her that she is getting it VERY VERY good. Perhaps even go and have a look at some flats with her that she might be able to afford - and make her realise that she has got it blinking fantastic living with you.

To be honest - don't know what I'd do - but I think I'd start here! Am about to start laying the law down with my children (primary school age) as I expect them to be helping around the house - but I'll be doing it with stickers and pennies - bribing if you like, but if it means that I don't have to do things, it all helps!! Think on it like this - when your sister is an adult you want her to be able to cook, clean and look after herself (washing, ironing etc), as your Mum isn't able to and you have taken on the responsbility then you need to show her.

HOWEVER - don't let this issue with your sister affect your relationship with your husband. Make some time and go out if you can - leave her a small list of jobs to do whilst you're out!!! Best of luck - PM me for support if you want to xxxx

Savvy_Sue

Do you have a local Foyer or any youth supported housing? The college might know, if not the local council.

angel_snowfey

yea, i agree that you have neen a nice and amazing sister. wish everything goes well with you:)

rozmister

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Do you have a local Foyer or any youth supported housing? The college might know, if not the local council.

Housing of their own isn't always the best option for a vulnerable young person. It can be a case of out of the pan and into the fire because some of the people in them have a lot of issues and without the guidance and support a family unit would provide young people can get into a lot of scrapes.

I say this because my friend living in youth supported housing after leaving care and I lived in shared housing from 16 and it didn't do either of us much good!

I think explaining to her about money and telling her it's a like it or lump it situation might help as well as encouraging her to get a p/t job so she understands how much work goes into earning that money she so wants to spend!!

On a side note I think it's wonderful she has a sister like you that will support her she's very lucky. Maybe she could have some counselling to help with her issues but I'm sure the fact you love her and don't give up on her helps a lot

Gosia

Wow - you're a good sis! Keep your chin up and try to have a word with her.

anxious_mum

I had to post and say I think you and your DH are being amazing, looking after and subsidizing your sister like this. I have a 17 year old DS who sounds just like her, and he drives me to distraction sometimes with his laziness, not getting up for college, constantly asking for money, being disrespectful etc...but, I'm his mum and have to bite the bullet. You're not her mum, and what you are doing is extremely generous. She doesn't know how lucky she is.