Feeling a bit jittery

Dave101t

he's not in sales is he, i sometimes get a little like that. luckily for me, i appreciate the benefits more than the difficulties, there must be something more, maybe a persecution or a target unknown to you that he is having difficulty with?
ive often contemplated quitting and living off my savings until i find a new job...but i wouldnt do it because thats the start of the slippery slope.

2manybooks

Thanks everyone.

I managed to get him to open up a bit last night. His main problem is a lack of job satisfaction, feeling unappreciated and a secondary issue with a co-worker.

His boss is very easy going, great technically but perhaps not the best at the actual "management" side - tends to see what is in front of him.

Co-worker (who OH has no problems with on a social level they have been out for drinks etc) is quite frankly such an !!!-kisser that he is practically wearing their mutal boss as a jaunty hat. This is know by everyone else in the department who comment on it all the time. OH is VERY non-confrontational, likes to be liked, wants to help out as much as possible, wants to do a good job everytime, but he is not the kind to suck-up.

Co-worker seems to be given all the "nice and interesting" projects whilst OH gets left with the tedious stuff or the stuff that other people have f**ked up and now needs sorting out (including co-worker). Co-worker also seems to have appointed himself as unoffical team leader and keeps trying to "check up" on everyone elses work and projects and shoehorns himself into things which boss should be telling him to leave alone.

Instead of saying something when this started happening, OH in his passive way has just let things build up because "he doesn't want to be a troublemaker" and he has basically reached the end of his rope.

He has a meeting with his boss on Thursday - I have suggested he needs to lay it on the line about how he is feeling and issues with co-worker. He did say last night that he doesn't really want to leave but he can't stay as things are.

On the positive side since his "meltdown" on Friday he has been sleeping better.

Thanks everyone for your support

Errata

So he could be in another job he hates, having wrecked his career and our finances.

In reality, he could find himself in a job he hates ten times as much as his current one.
I think you need to be clear with him about the financial side of things. If you have some savings now might be a good time to spend some of it on private counselling for your OH.(google British Association of Counselling for one near you). It looks like he's not in a good place in his head right now and perhaps his anxiety about how and who he works with may be in danger of spilling over into other areas of this life.
For the meeting with management: presenting a plan of how things could work better for him will be received more positively than a moan about any co-worker.

soupdragon10

If he has a meeting on Thursday with his boss, could he between now and then make a note of some specific instances that he is unhappy with and perhaps some examples of how unfairly the work is being distributed. Particularly if there are projects that the co-worker has bungled and your OH has completed successfully.

He could make it clear that while he is a committed member of the team, if he continues to be sidelined and essentially dumped upon that he will be seeking other opportunities. He could even look for other jobs - in my experience having someone ask for references is often the jolt needed to make a manager realise they are at risk of losing a valuable team member.

euronorris

Errata wrote: »

In reality, he could find himself in a job he hates ten times as much as his current one.
I think you need to be clear with him about the financial side of things. If you have some savings now might be a good time to spend some of it on private counselling for your OH.(google British Association of Counselling for one near you). It looks like he's not in a good place in his head right now and perhaps his anxiety about how and who he works with may be in danger of spilling over into other areas of this life.
For the meeting with management: presenting a plan of how things could work better for him will be received more positively than a moan about any co-worker.

I think paying privately for the counselling is an excellent idea. Particularly as the OP has now revealed that her OH has issues in confronting people.

He's not alone. I do too (as do many others), but not to same degree as him. And I'm in counselling at the moment, trying to overcome that (amongst other things).

OP - I don't know about your OH, but I've been avoiding certain conflicts for fear of being aggressive, rather than assertive, so I'm learning how to be more assertive and confident. Perhaps your OH could benefit from something similar, which would give him the tools and courage to resolve these issues at work.

One other thing, if your OH is always correcting this other person f'ck up's, it won't go unnoticed and will reflect badly on the other person. It could, in fact, work out well for your OH. After all, if this other guy was so great, his work wouldn't need correcting all the time.

As for self appointed team leader. I would be tempted to ask my Manager if that person has been given increased responsbility lately, as it appears that they have, but maybe hasn't been communicated. That way, if said person hasn't, it will bring it to the Manager's attention that that is how it is coming across and may spur him into action.

balletshoes

Errata wrote: »

For the meeting with management: presenting a plan of how things could work better for him will be received more positively than a moan about any co-worker.

Absolutely!

Theres no need at all for your OH to be in the least bit confrontational with his boss when he meets him on Thursday, he can just state how he's been feeling about his work tasks without even mentioning his co-worker. Concentrate the discussion on how he'd like his work tasks to be allocated to him/what kind of work tasks would challenge him, and how his boss can help him get maximum satisfaction from his job by taking this on board. Its not confrontational at all - its assertive. If it would help, get your OH to write down these points before he goes into the meeting, take the notes with him.

londoner1998

2manybooks wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

I managed to get him to open up a bit last night. His main problem is a lack of job satisfaction, feeling unappreciated and a secondary issue with a co-worker.

His boss is very easy going, great technically but perhaps not the best at the actual "management" side - tends to see what is in front of him.

Co-worker (who OH has no problems with on a social level they have been out for drinks etc) is quite frankly such an !!!-kisser that he is practically wearing their mutal boss as a jaunty hat. This is know by everyone else in the department who comment on it all the time. OH is VERY non-confrontational, likes to be liked, wants to help out as much as possible, wants to do a good job everytime, but he is not the kind to suck-up.

Co-worker seems to be given all the "nice and interesting" projects whilst OH gets left with the tedious stuff or the stuff that other people have f**ked up and now needs sorting out (including co-worker). Co-worker also seems to have appointed himself as unoffical team leader and keeps trying to "check up" on everyone elses work and projects and shoehorns himself into things which boss should be telling him to leave alone.

Instead of saying something when this started happening, OH in his passive way has just let things build up because "he doesn't want to be a troublemaker" and he has basically reached the end of his rope.

He has a meeting with his boss on Thursday - I have suggested he needs to lay it on the line about how he is feeling and issues with co-worker. He did say last night that he doesn't really want to leave but he can't stay as things are.

On the positive side since his "meltdown" on Friday he has been sleeping better.

Thanks everyone for your support

hello

I read your post the other day and I could see a lot of what has been happening to me in your OH's situation... however good the job seem son the outside , it is not to be understatimated how pressure can build up and affect his mood and general well being. i am in a very similar situation as your OH- I job I loved six months ago, I don't care about anymore... mainly because of all those issues you outline- favouritism, seeing how other people get away with murder, not being given the same flexibility as other people in my team, niot being challenged and only remember when the pieces form others' lazyness need picking up... in other words, bad management. Just before Christmas, I exploded and told my boss in unequivocal terms how I was feeling (of course , I had already been told I was seen as 'conforntational and aggresive' when I told someone to put headphones on and stop torturing us with her music in the offie... where we really shoudl be listening to the praticualr radio station we work for!). It didn't change the dynamics in the group (her favourite one is still there, running the office and coming and going as she pleases, without even reporting off sick , deadlines are being missed but nobody does anything about it...) and I did feel a million times better. I took the opportunity to offer some practical help,. because like today, there are days that I have no work at all to do. And after the anoumncement of 650 jobs to go where I work, well, it is not a nice place to be in so I try to keep busy. She took up the offer, but the issues remain. But now I have decided to just get on with it and started talking to ther people and exploring other areas.

I would suggest your OH takes a couple of days off to regain some perspective and get some rest (may be after a weekend- helps) and during his chat with the Head Honcho, suggest some solutions to those problems , so that he can appear proactive and positive.
I have come to accept that I don't have the support I need to make the changes this team need (my boss is too busy doing everything herself without managing the team properly, and she won't delegate that becasue 48% of the jobs in my division are going), but also that that is not my fault and that in a bit of time, I will be elsewhere.
I think the best think you can do for your OH is to listen to how he feels- for you (or the rest of us) he might be priviledged to have such a job- but he is suffering so he needs a bit of help and support.
Good luck
Ax

2manybooks

Thanks everyone - it feels so nice to have such helpful people around.

Have looked up counsellors (thanks for the link!) and noted down a few for him to look at - will broach the subject with him at the weekend - I don't want to overload him with more decisions at the moment.

We are going to sit down together on Wednesday night and come up with a list of points for him to discuss with his boss - he is worried that he will get flustered and forget what he wants to say.

He has identified a long-term project he wants to be involved in and had a meeting about today and is mentioning positive things about it like "it will be a challenge", "it will be really interesting" and "would look good on my CV". So that is on top of the list.

He does want to mention the coworker pulling the "I'm in charge" routine as he only does it when the boss isn't around, so boss isn't aware. He is very clear that he doesn't want to come across as whinging.

I think because I've said I will support him in resigning, if that is what he wants to do, it has taken a bit of the pressure off and he is feeling less panicky. He has also confided in another co-worker who seems to have made all the right sort of supportive noises and the offer of a pint and a chat whenever he needs it. So that is a tiny step in the right direction.

Will let you know how the meeting goes.

2manybooks

Well OH had meeting with boss which went surprisingly well considering.

He handed in his form to apply for the resignation package - boss was horrified and made it clear that they don't want him to leave. OH insisted they process the request even if they turn him down for the package.

Good things in the interim are they are going to restructure his hours so he gets an afternoon off a week and the boss agreed to his requests to be included on certain projects.

So he felt a bit more positive about current job. One of his friends has also given him a lead on a job which might be opening up in a few months in his company so that is a positive as well.

I broached the issue of paying for private counselling - he said he would consider it, so I will show him the website at the weekend.

Tish_P

This sounds like it is going pretty well then! Hope your OH either sorts out the issues with this job, or figures out what else he wants to do instead - it's great that he is in a position to be able to retrain or take a career break if you are careful with finances, and that you are being supportive of his choices and helping him work through his own decision. (Sounds like the two of you are a good example for us all!)