Feeling a bit jittery

2manybooks · 7 February 2011 at 2:27PM

Sorry for the long post.

My OH has been complaining about his job for some time now, saying he hates it etc. He can't articulate WHAT it is he dislikes so much, just he hates it. I have tried to be supportive and pointing out the good things about it, he likes most of the people he works with, good hours, good benefits, short commute and a decent wage. All of which he agrees with BTW. Any other job he gets will more than likely be for a lot less money and further away - I don't think he realises how good he really has it now as he has never worked anywhere else.

However he has got more despondent and it has started affecting him physically, not sleeping, feeling naseous etc. Things came to a head last week when he broke down in tears, panicking about going into work. His health comes first naturally, so things need to be addressed. He has been to see his GP who has suggested counselling (appointment not for 2 months!) but would not consider signing him off or even any short term medication.

He is seeing his line manager this week to discuss his job/future. Obviously if he is still that unhappy we will have to consider resignation. Given the current climate there is a scheme running whereby if you want to resign and your manager and HR agree that this will save the business money in the long term, you can get a lump sum payment. However this ends soon so he would have to decide literally in the next week and hope he is approved.

Luckily we don't have any debt apart from the mortgage and we should be able to manage this and day to day living expenses on my wage if we tighten our belts a bit. If he doesn't qualify for the lump sum and decides he still want to resign that will make me much more anxious about the whole thing.

My main concern is that he is the spender in the relationship - we earn roughly the same wage but I have much higher savings etc and I know that when we are on a strict budget, he will be the one complaining that we can't go out to eat, can't go on holiday, he can't buy the latest gadget etc. and I am worried that this will make me resentful.

So just feeling anxious about the whole thing and because I can't tell anyone IRL thought I would dump it all on you lovely people.

Alioth · 7 February 2011 at 2:36PM

Feeling sorry for your husband, it's not a great situation to be in.

Consider first: Is the job really the cause of your husband's anxiety? If it is, he should just change it. There's no point being on psychiatric medication so that you can bear doing something not essential that you hate. Do you have debts? Is there anything preventing your husband taking on a job that is further or pays less? Maybe he should take time off work to think through his options. Career change?
If something else is the cause of your husband's problems, then maybe changing a job is not such a great idea, on the other hand he won't really know unless he tries it.
I give you all my support!

vroombroom · 7 February 2011 at 2:36PM

I would be honest and make him aware of what you just said to us - you can't go on holiday, he can't buy the latest gadgets etc - and that you certainly won't be paying for it.

balletshoes · 7 February 2011 at 2:59PM

vroombroom wrote: »

I would be honest and make him aware of what you just said to us - you can't go on holiday, he can't buy the latest gadgets etc - and that you certainly won't be paying for it.

I agree with this, you can discuss this without hammering it home - which is probably not what he needs right now if he's so stressed about going to work that he's breaking down. But its worth mentioning certainly.
Going from 2 incomes to one there is real potential for resentment on either side of the fence, so you need to both be on the same page before this happens, so you both know the treats will have to go.

brians_daughter · 7 February 2011 at 3:50PM

You need to quantify it for him.. do a spreadsheet for now with your 2 wages.. income expecnditure, go through his bank statemements and pick out the £30 withdrawals that just get frittered away and ask him where they went etc..prob a takeway, couple beers etc

Then do a spreadsheet with just your wage and show him what you have left...
I have always found with my oh when things get tough at work and he talks of a less demanding/less well paid role this always focuses his attention. In his own words (once hes been shown the figures) He would rather put up with 8hr at his workplace and know he can go snowboarding/holidays/nice cars/beer money than leave and work for less and not be able to have a lot of the trappings hes become used to

Obviouslt. if he is being impacted so badly then health must come 1st but he may see what he woudl loose 'socially' and for the family and it may alter his mindset somewhat?

A lot of the time ppl say one thing and mean another.. if he has problems it easy to blame work (i know, been there) than face the facts that its something else.. In my case i had PND (so doubt this is your ohs issue lol) but i moulded it to be all about work, when infact it was about me and the way i was feeling/coping.

2manybooks · 7 February 2011 at 5:09PM

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I am scared that he is not thinking about things clearly as he has worked himself up so much that all he can see is "I HATE MY JOB" so I will quit and I'm the one who is trying to look at things practically.

I did have a job once that I loathed and used to crawl in bed and cry myself to sleep everynight, so I am not unsympathetic to how awful it makes you feel BUT I could give you a list of why I hated it and what I was going to do to get out of it.

If he could give me ONE concrete "I hate my job because ......." it would be helpful. I have pointed out that if he doesn't know what he hates about this job how will he avoid it in his next job. So he could be in another job he hates, having wrecked his career and our finances. I have also pointed out that the majority of people who have left where he works in the past two years have all since reapplied for jobs there - so it can't be that bad! If he decides to resign and gets this package, coming back to work here is not an option - that is part of the deal.

I have also asked is there anything else he wants to do or try or learn or retrain for - he has no ideas.

Sorry I'm just venting - when I get home tonight I'll do the spreadsheet of what having half our income will mean, just to put my mind at rest that we will survive.

I will then cook tea, give him a hug and tell him that I love him and we will get through it together - because we will.

downshifted · 7 February 2011 at 6:20PM

It's ok to hate your job. What you then do is send out your cv/apply for other jobs. When you have one, you can resign from the one you hate! It is much easier, especially in this climate, to find a job while you are still in one

It is clear it will not be easy for him to find a comparable job - but just the effort of trying can make you feel more in control of the situation

sjc3 · 7 February 2011 at 8:06PM

2manybooks wrote: »

I have tried to be supportive and pointing out the good things about it, he likes most of the people he works with, good hours, good benefits, short commute and a decent wage. All of which he agrees with BTW. Any other job he gets will more than likely be for a lot less money and further away - I don't think he realises how good he really has it now as he has never worked anywhere else.

However he has got more despondent and it has started affecting him physically, not sleeping, feeling naseous etc. Things came to a head last week when he broke down in tears, panicking about going into work.

It must be confusing for you as to why he is feeling so bad, to the stage where it is effecting his health, when on the surface he seems to have pretty much an ideal job. I think its fair to say that most people would be quite happy to hold such a position.

Which begs the question as to what is bothering him. A couple of things came to mind;

Is his job highly pressured, does he have to meet deadlines and targets? Is he the type to take on more and more and struggle on under too much strain.

Are things as harmonious with work colleagues as you think. Could it be that he isn't being treated well by another colleague? This can have a devestating effect on someone. Especially in these financial times where people feel less able to walk away from a position that they are unhappy in.

I dont know how old he is. I know my hubby went through a time like this a while back. Whilst he liked his job/company he felt that he hadn't achieved all he should have. Couldn't see a way forward re promotion and felt undervalued. Being in a role that wasn't stretching him and making his brain tick was debilitating him. In the end he jacked it all in and found a new position where he could make a far better contribution. Thankfully he is now way happier.

Hope things sort themselves out for you both soon, it must be tough seeing him so distressed by it all.

eamon · 7 February 2011 at 9:46PM

Lots of people on here have mentioned many similar things. Oppressive management, unrealistic targets, nit picking over the tiniest of errors, lack of support in the workplace. All these feelings (and more) can play havoc with your emotions and for a man it is very difficult to deal with. Its a scary place to be. Does he feel the same way when on holiday? It sounds to me like the onset of depression coupled with a mid life crisis. Though I'm not qualified to make such a diagnosis. You should perhaps encourage him to see his GP as a first step. There will be a way forward.

mackemdave · 7 February 2011 at 9:59PM

If your hubby's employers have an Occupational Health Dept then that should be his first port of call.....Failing that a chat with a Health and Safety rep might be in order....This looks as if its a case of Work Related stress and his GP should be recognising this