Stepmum & Brother

kazwookie

I suggest you take your brother out ie for a walk or what ever and have a 'word in his ear' about life and getting real!

balletshoes

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Just need to have a bit of a rant really...

My stepmum is getting on my wick. She's a really sweet, gentle, kind-natured woman who has the best of intentions and is generally lovely, but - when it comes to my brother, she just gets it all wrong...

As in - he's 27, had just moved home (with her and my dad) for the umpteenth time and she's going "oh it's lovely having him around"... When in my view, they should both be saying "you need to stand on your own two feet". He's out of work AGAIN now, but was going on about how much money he was earning just before Christmas, but now apparently is skint so she says "it makes sense for him to stay with us".

When he was in a totally desctructive relationship with a chavvy single mum on benefits, stepmum was saying "But they're so in love" and "She's so good for him" and the whole time I wanted to shout "WAKE UP WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT DOING HIM ANY FAVOURS".

He still leaves his bedroom messy (guess who tidies up? yep stepmum), doesn't contribute to the housework, last time he was living at home and earning decent money he would 'forget' to pay housekeeping and in fact borrowed money off my dad who is a pensioner now!

Soft touch doesn't even come close; and they seem to think they are "helping" him. Yet, time and time again he throws it back in their faces (had a party at their house and trashed it when they went on holiday year before last when he, at the time, lived in his own flat a few roads away... during their last holiday he slept in their bed with new girlfriend and didn't make it and left stains :eek:)... And more than that, he's just not learning to grow up and take responsibility for himself or his actions.

She emailed me saying "he may as well stay with us until he knows where his next lot of work is coming from" and all that is going to do is encourage him to do SWEET F.A. He can leave dirty dishes everywhere, he doesn't have to pay rent.

She isn't a parent herself and I think this is the crux of it; she can't see that what she has done and is doing is actually detrimental to my brother's maturity and development. I firmly believe her behaviour has directly and negatively affected his attitude to life in general and as much as I'm angry, I'm also sad for him because he seems to be going nowhere fast.

My brother popped over to my mum's and told her he'd moved back to dad's, got a letter saying he had to repay the housing benefit he'd claimed (when he was with his chavvy ex) when he wasn't entitled to it, as well as rent arrears on a flat he just walked out of and she got really cross with him - cross with him for getting himself in that situation, cross with him for not lining up more work when his current run was ending, and more than anything cross because he dropped it in the conversation that he's going on a weekend playing golf with my dad in a couple of weeks (oh and that there's no point starting work before then)! Whereas stepmum is saying "oh it's lovely that your brother and your dad are going away together".....

Insane I tell you. I'm really having to bite my tongue when I speak to her.

You can tell I'm more like my mum than stepmum, can't you...:p

Well done if you got this far... thanks for reading. Rant over.

erm - wheres you dad in all this? ie your brother has a parent he lives with as well as a step-parent, if your dad is bothered about your brother's behaviour/lazing about/not standing on his own 2 feet, he could tell him surely?

If neither your dad nor your stepmum is bothered that your brother is still living at home, not contributing etc, and they like having him around, why let it bother you? they are all adults, so are you.

belfastgirl23

Poor old stepmothers can't do right for doing wrong. She has obviously taken a decision not to criticise her stepkids (which you might be glad of at some point in the future) and to trust them and support what they want to do. I know my own mother takes a very similar stance and I'm grateful every day for it.

No matter what, it is not her role to lay down any law in your family and you should be dancing on air that she has the sense to know it!!

melancholly

the SM may be enabling the situation (who seriously would think it's normal for a 27 year old to be unable to clean their own bedroom?!), but this needs to be handled by the father. if the SM stepped in and drew a line in the sand, it would be a horrible position to be in and risk being seen as interfering.

the brother is in severe need of a reality check though. you don't 'leave stains' in someone else's bed. and if most children did that, they'd get more than an earful about it.

i agree with the sentiment, but i think this isn't all about the SM. the SM and the father are a partnership and he is the blood relative. the buck stops with him.

rozmister

I don't think it's fair to see the problem is your step-mum isn't a parent to any children. My brother is a selfish irresponsible sod at times (drives me mad) and my Mum lets it slide because he's her blue eyed boys. This is a woman who has 3 biological children and 3 step children. Your step mother sounds like a kind woman trying to do her best for two adults who aren't her children but she regards as her family. She shouldn't be judged and her efforts derided because she hasn't bore a child.

As for your brother my advice is stay out of it. You can never make him change, he has to want to. You can never make your parents change, they have to want to. Sticking your oar in without being asked to will simply get you caught in the middle and create tension. Just be ready to support your parents and make it clear to your brother if he asks you to sort his life out for him/lend him money/etc that you will not play ball.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks for all your replies.. I posted in the heat of the moment and I do know that she is a lovely woman and I don't mean to come across as unkind. I do appreciate her, but I'm just frustrated that she thinks this is the right way to treat my brother.

She's been part of our lives for 20 years, and my brother moved in with them when he was 15. Problem is, from that point on, I think they were so overexcited about the prospects of getting to do the bulk of the parenting (seeing as we'd both lived with our mum) they actually let him get away with murder.

My dad does get cross with my brother, specially when he's sitting around in his dressing gown watching telly all day at their expense, but my stepmum tells him not to get wound up and to leave him alone.

As much as my dad should do more, between them they've created this world where mollycoddling is the norm, she lets them both do NOTHING, and does everything for them and then is painted as some kind of saint when I know it actually stresses her out and wears her down! I've been round there and she's in tears because she works full time, does all the shopping, cooking and cleaning and is knackered (she's pushing 60) and my dad and brother aren't doing anything.

Making a rod for her own back is one thing, but encouraging my brother to move home and live with them again is another... I am pretty sure she is just being kind and caring, she is a worrier by nature and I imagine she's fretting about him being out on the streets. But there are no house rules, no time limits, no ask for housekeeping/rent, no expectation that he'll contribute or pull his own weight. Then it gets to the point where my dad reaches the end of his tether, has a row with my brother and he'll move out and all the while stepmum is saying not to be hard on him!

As for my mum, well she takes a different tack. She's offered for him to move in to hers if he's ever struggling, but there's no way in the world he would ever do that, because he knows that she would have him out job-hunting rather than sitting around, and would give him a list of things to do around the house, he'd have to try and find some housekeeping money for her and contribute. Which, in my view is the way it should be... Mum is quite often in tears about my brother worrying that he'll never get a grip and whilst my stepmum lets him do what he wants, rather than supporting my dad when he tells him to get off his bum and encourages him to take responsiblity, he never will. Mum does nag him about his priorities (ie. no job yet golf weekend) yet stepmum and dad gloss over that completely!

My stepmum's way of parenting seems misguided and naive. As I said, yes, my dad should be more forceful but he's lived in this mollycoddled world for 20 years now and is used to leaving everything to her. That doesn't make it right, I know, but it shows that there is an imbalance of control and on the face of it, yes she is lovely, but underneath I think it's very complicated and a way of making herself needed.

And yes, my brother is a sod. I've tried time and time again to talk to him, but it really does go in one ear and out of the other. I know that as a adult you take responsibility for your own actions, and that the way he is is down to him... But I don't think she helps the situation.

.. At the end of the day it doesn't affect my life and it isn't really any of my business. I will hold my tongue and not get involved... I just came on here to have a about it!

Valli

maybe your step mum does not want to be seen as, or be, the 'wicked stepmother'.
Who can blame her.

She sounds a damned sight nicer than my 'lets hide all pictures of the girls and their mother and pretend they never existed' stepmother.

Bloomin_Freezing2

Valli wrote: »

maybe your step mum does not want to be seen as, or be, the 'wicked stepmother'.
Who can blame her.

She sounds a damned sight nicer than my 'lets hide all pictures of the girls and their mother and pretend they never existed' stepmother.

Valli, I think your dad and my dad could be married to the same woman!!