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What questions do I need to ask my Solicitor

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  • Seanymph
    Seanymph Posts: 2,882 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Hi there, and best wishes.

    If you are getting tax credits, they will stop the joint claim immediately and you have to reclaim as a single parent. They do not readjust your existing claim.

    This can take up to six months. Mine took about 8 weeks. You can, however, make sure you have a form ready to fill in and post (they didn't have any printed when I applied and I had to scour job centres to find one with forms in stock!).

    It does matter who divorces who because the one who does the divorcing has to pay the bill! Ultimately apart from that little detail it makes no difference at all - the grounds are only seen in court (unless you are heather and paul!) and aren't filed anywhere! Wish I'd taken a photocopy of mine when I got the chance.

    In order to file for divorce you need to have the marriage certificate - so if you want control take it with you!

    Photocopy the marriage certificate BEFORE you give it to your solicitor - you don't ever get it back from the court and then you end up having a birth ceritificate and no proof of your married name (like me!) - then you have to go back to the church and get duplicates made out...........

    Don't get too stressed about the access now, you may want things to be flexible later, these will change, the washing machine can be replaced, things can be got later...........

    My top tip (I've done this twice now........) is to look after you and that little girl, it doesn't matter if you are sleeping on a mattress on the floor by candlelight as long as she knows you love her more than anything, or anyone else, and you can keep that smile on your face as she prattles at you about her day............ file everything else away and hang onto that day by day and it WILL get easier, I promise.
  • hex2
    hex2 Posts: 4,736 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Get a copy of the Which Guide to Divorce, saved me a fortune on asking solicitor questions on a charge per every 3 minutes basis. Solicitor is called a fee earner for a reason.

    In my experience anything you don't take with you now you will probably never get, nor will you be compensated for the loss of it even if you go to court. Ignore the comments and make sure you are taking your fair share.

    Divorce is expensive, have you asked about eligibility for legal aid? On the reasons for the divorce you simply state that he committed adultery with an unnamed woman on x date and that you find it unaceptable to live with him. As part of that a statement about child living arrangements is completed, eg that she will live with you, and spent alternate weekends with her father. Have you thought about school holidays in the future, specify now he has to cover some or it is going to cost you a fortune.

    Good luck with it all.

    Try to be reasonable even when he isn't.
    'If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need' Marcus Tullius Cicero
  • If you are on speaking terms I would try and work out something which will suit you both then put that to your respective solicitors. You will have to come to some agreement anyway and the choice is between being polite and aknowledging the needs of the other person as well as what is affordable OR months of aggro and arguing plus huge solicitors bill for the two of you because you are unwilling to speak to each other.
  • Crazychik
    Crazychik Posts: 1,994 Forumite
    Hello motherof1 - you have had some sound advice from Hobo.

    Im now living with a partner, but was a single parent of 2 children, I wasn't married, nor had a mortgage, which made things a lot easier.

    However - the children! that was a different story. Im still fighting a loosing battle with my ex, he still uses the kids as bait to wind me up etc.
    He has the kids regular - every friday after school untill 8.30 pm. Then alternate wk ends, from Sat 2pm - Sun 7pm. This works around his working hrs (not mine) Ive changed my shifts that many times to adapt with childcare (so I dont have to rely on people fetching/taking kids etc)
    We are in a routine now, and the kids know when dad will fetch them. At first though.it didn't work out like that. He used to swap wk ends, at the last minute, call day before and said he not having them (4 wot ever excuse he would come out with) and never goes out of his to way have them any other time. Like hospital/doctor appointments etc
    He may be playing the "hard done by father routine" at the moment, but once he gets the taste of being single, his priorities will change, says he has to work - when in fact he's gone out. Ive caught my ex doing this before now.
    Stand firm with what you put to him, if he wishes to change his access, he must give you at least a month's notice. After all - you work also, and might have pre-arrangements.
    What about school holidays - when your daughter is in full time school? Ive asked my ex to have the kids 2weeks out of the yr. As of yet, Im still waiting.
    Good luck with it all. Things will get easier.
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  • hobo28
    hobo28 Posts: 1,601 Forumite
    Crazychik wrote:
    He may be playing the "hard done by father routine" at the moment, but once he gets the taste of being single, his priorities will change, says he has to work - when in fact he's gone out. Ive caught my ex doing this before now.
    Stand firm with what you put to him, if he wishes to change his access, he must give you at least a month's notice. After all - you work also, and might have pre-arrangements.
    What about school holidays - when your daughter is in full time school? Ive asked my ex to have the kids 2weeks out of the yr. As of yet, Im still waiting.
    Good luck with it all. Things will get easier.

    Totally agree. At the beginning, my ex used to have them every Sat. night until Tues am. I lost count of the amount of times I used to drop them off only for them to be bundled into a car and off to grandad's for a sleepover so she could go clubbing.

    I'd also recommend that you insist that if he needs to change access, he discuss it with you BEFORE he makes changes. I got sick of my ex changing her job and expecting me to change my life. Eventually I told her that it was her time & therefore HER problem to resolve. She at one point even threatened to take me to court until I pointed out that a case where a mum is asking to see LESS of her kids would probably confuse the judge! :)

    With time its worked out but any thoughts of remaining friends for the kids sake has gone.
  • Hi Hobo - sounds like fun at your fun end as much as it is here! Glad you got it sorted though - How long as it been if you dont mind me asking - since you seperated? (sorry motherof1) dont mean to go of your situation. BUt perhaps by reading others situations - might give you tips on what to do/avoid with your ex....

    I lost count of the amount of times I had to cancel my shift at work, cos he rung and said he's not having the kids, In the end, I went on a new shift pattern, which allowed me to work during school hrs, so I didn't have to rely on anyone for childcare. His opinion was that I couldn't live without him to help with the kids. I proved him wrong.

    Its my daughter's 7th birthday on Friday - I asked my ex ages ago what his intensions are to help celebrate her day or what presents will he be buying (obviously I dont want to buy the same as him) - not only for her birthday but also for DS & DD Xmas? His reply - "not my problem" - "cant think that far in advance"
    My daughter so much wanted a party - at the time I couldn't afford it, and he said he couldn't afford to pay half, But last minute I managed to book last minute party at the local church hall. Disco, games etc, we are really excited. Ive not told my ex as I know he will kick off, but DD told him, and yes - as I guessed he kicked off - saying why I cant go etc... I said you can go but pay half towards the cost (after all - why should he have the glory of seeing her enjoying herself at my expense)
    Is that being selfish? Anyway -after yet another heated discussion, he's decided to not go. Afterall - he's had weeks to decide what to do and help pay towards party etc, he has her on friday's anyway and thats the day of her birthday,so he can celebrate with her then

    The last 2 Christmas's - well need I go there. The first Christmas I made the effort to make it as "normal" as I could, brought extra food in (which I dont normally do), as my ex planned to stay the day. Fine - He arrived at 9am (kids had finished opened presents by then) and left at 11am, and !!!!!!ed back to his home town. Last year, I was ill with s&d bug, so he ended cooking dinner, but left as soon as he ate it. He expects the same again this yr, but sadly its a no - Im not ruining my Xmas with my kids and new partner to keep peace with him.

    I got some advise from my solicitor a few months ago ref access arrangement days/times/holidays/ etc...It was suggested that I tried to talk to him first, that didn't go down too well, so I had to write it all out and post it to him via recorded delivery (that way I knew he got as he had to sign for it). Next thing I had his mother ring me (so I knew he got it) - it had nothing to do with her - so I put the phone down. Even to this day he has ignored my requests. So next year I may have to make it official. He keeps threatening to move back to his home town (80ish) miles away if I did make it official - and that way he will see less of the kids - are these just threats and should I take the risk and make it official. Then he cant ignore it no more?

    Would I be best posting the list I mentioned on here, or i can pm it to anyone who wants to see it? Feel free to ask, I dont mind. Then perhaps people can guide me also in their experience/opinions - or even use it as examples

    Also, what annoys me - when he has them alternate wk ends, he goes back to his hometown, so his mum can look after the kids, or stays with friends, while he goes fishing, or if he's at home, he invites people round for the wk end to stay over (its a 1 bedroom flat). I feel as if he's not having his quality time as a father should. and that he's palming the kids off for other people to watch them. He took them camping one wk end in the summer, to be told by my DD she was hit by a car on the camp site, I ask where was dad - she said "fishing". Now if thats not being irresponsable - I dont no what is!

    Anyway - must stop my moaning here, I could go on 4 days - sorry folks.
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  • hobo28
    hobo28 Posts: 1,601 Forumite
    Hi Crazychik

    We separated nearly 4 years ago now. I'm now in another relationship. In many ways being a single parent was much easier than being a step parent but don't get me started on that! LOL

    Things between my ex and I have pretty much settled down now. Mind you, it took a court order to sort things out. Not an experience I'd recommend to anyone.

    The party thing I've been thru too. I organised it, paid for it. I even drove round and picked her and her stepmother up! She then waltzed around the party as tho she'd done it and took the glory. Personally I just gritted my teeth and figured that as long as my daughter was happy. For your DD's sake it might be worth just letting it slide and smile nicely if he turns up.

    What do you mean by "making it official"? The only really "official" way is by court order. Anything else is just an agreement and is worth about the paper it isn't written on.

    Posting him lists via recorded delivery all makes it sound very aggressive. Us men hate being dictated to. :) Perhaps a better approach is to tell him that as the kids grow, they need a routine. Ask him to tell you dates he can definitely do and work from there.

    If you make sure your not reliant upon him for childcare or financially (if possible) then any threats of him moving are neutralised. Easier said than done I know.

    The bottom line is though that you can't make him into the type of father you think your children deserve. Its heartbreaking but not much you can do. The children will have to figure it out themselves.

    Oh and forget stuff like joint xmas's etc. Just ends up being a disaster.
  • Crazychik
    Crazychik Posts: 1,994 Forumite
    Hi Hobo28

    Yes a court order was what I meant ref a more settling routine for the kids to spend time with him - your'e right in saying that I cant make him into a father I want him to be. But it hurts me when I know the kids will miss out - but I guess they will grow up knowing the truth about it all. I will never stop them from seeing him, but if they turn round one day and say they dont want to see him - I will respect their wishes.

    I have tried on so many occasions to ask him for dates etc of any plans he has for the children - the response is always Dont know, got no money and why should I have the kids for a week or 2 weeks holiday to give you and him (referring to my new partner) a chance for a holiday on our own. I always tried to reason with him, and changed plans etc to help him out. But when I found out he changed his weekend as he said he had to work (but yet he went out fishing) - I vowed to myself that I wont let him mess me and the kids around. Like you with her ex, you had to be firm and say "get it sorted" thats your problem - not mine!

    Ive also realised to forget about Xmas's etc. Tried to be reasonable b4 and it didn't work. If Xmas ever falls on a weekend he has them - fine - I will respect that and understand that'll be his Xmas with them. Im really looking forward to Christmas this year, knowing it will be just me, my partner and 2 kids. He's not asked if he can see them once over the festive season.

    Its been just over 2 and a half yrs and still battling - but becoming stronger everyday - not to let him wind me up or upset me to the state that Im off work again with depression.

    I know in time - I will get there, and its great to know that Ive got support around me (including this thread) and most certainly for your "male opinion"
    I did realise after that sending the "list" was harsh, at the time - I found it was the only way I could communicate with him. He only wishes to talk when it suits him.

    Once again - many thanks
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