If you are being sexually harassed at work

ceridwen

There are two threads running currently on this by people who are experiencing this.

As this is an issue that affects many people (of both sexes) at some point in the course of their working life - I think it would be useful to compile a thread specifically giving tips to those in this position.

So - the tips to deal with this that come to my mind are:

1. If you aren't in a Union - join the relevant one.
2. Keep a diary of events (in which you note the time/date of incidents and exactly what was said and done - both by you and them).
3. Make sure your mobile phone is a camera phone and you are used to using the camera function. If anything happens that warrants a photograph - take one.
4. If anyone does anything of a "sexual harassment" nature that you don't like - request them politely but FIRMLY to stop it - saying words to the effect of "Will you stop doing that? I don't like it". Keep repeating this or similar phrase however many times necessary until they stop doing the action.
5. Think ICE (not fire - it's ice). Some people find a "fire" response stimulating. So - ice it is. Try picturing yourself as an Ice Queen/King dealing with this.
6. Try not to be alone with the person concerned.
7. If being alone with them is unavoidable and you have serious fears for your safety - then have a rape alarm with you.
8. Try not to walk out on a job to get away from them. Try to resolve it. If anyone leaves their job because of it it should be THEM - not you (as they are the one at fault). However - if the firm is large enough that there are other jobs at your level - then ask if a transfer is possible.
9. Be careful in your use of clothing - eg no plunging necklines, etc - but bear in mind that if you are dressed in suitably "professional" fashion for the type of job/career you have then you have done all that could reasonably be expected of you.
10. Bear in mind that it's NOT YOU. Some people simply regard themselves as irresistible (even if they are as ugly as King Kong and one realistic assessment of themselves in a mirror would tell them so) - and these people are likely to "try it on" with anyone.
11. Watch out for "grooming" attempts. Grooming isn't just something that happens to 14 year old girls chatting to strangers on the Internet. It can happen to anyone.
12. If they are married/living together and start "making moves" - then the chances are that this is sexual harassment and NOT a genuine attempt at starting a "relationship" with you. Many people DO meet their life partners at work - but always think twice as to whether any "personal" chatting is the start of an attempt for a genuine "relationship" with you or sexual harassment.
13. Nine times out of 10 - if you are firm in telling them to stop any unwanted attention at the outset then that will be the end of the matter and it won't progress any further.
14. If you find it difficult to tell the person concerned that they must stop their "actions" - then I highly recommend the book "A Woman in Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson. There will probably be copies available for sale on Amazon.
15. Never have more alcohol than you can comfortably handle if in any sort of sociable work setting involving the person concerned (in fact - make sure you keep drinking with ANY work colleagues within safe limits anyway).

This thread is for tips only and comments by people about what worked/didn't work if they experienced this. Any abusive comments will be reported to MSE Abuse.

Keep it polite and to the point please.

hippygran

Also, if Ceridwens excellent advice does not show quick, noticeable results (as in my case), don't hesitate, raise a grievance before you find yourself in a serious situation (as I did).

In my case, I was always attired professionally (to the point of being frumpy!), there was no 'flirting' history, there was nothing at all I did to draw any attention to myself.

I tried all actions, initially ignoring, then stating my disapproval calmly and firmly, eventually ending up quite rude and nasty. Over almost 3 years, nothing seemed to have an effect (even icy disapproval - which I tried first off).

Quite frankly, I am an old bat - and he was a young man. My nickname at work was 'mother' - by all age groups amongst my colleagues.

I just wasn't the type to attract this sort of attention, and so it made it more difficult to complain, because I thought it seemed so far-fetched!!

Don't let it run on and. Do something early on, because the situation can become dangerous!!

So take action sooner, rather than later!

X

ceridwen

Hippygran

I can understand your reasoning - as to why you found it difficult to believe a young man would be doing this to an older "motherly" type woman - but some people "draw no lines". I don't know what it is - whether it's some sort of "power thing" or what sometimes?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing - as we all know...

A poster on one of the other threads took me aback a bit by referring to Stockholm Syndrome - but I understood the point they were making...and its a valid one.

I can see - in hindsight - how I could have dealt with things much better than I did. Seeing how things actually are would have been sufficient in my case to deal with things. I was pretty "blind" at the time:o:eek::o and having been as clued-up/cynical as I have subsequently become would have helped me resolve things totally in my case.

In your case - you were much more "clearsighted" than I was by the sound of it - but experienced much worse problems.

So - from a looking back in hindsight viewpoint - for the benefit of other people in a situation more similar to yours - is there anything else you think you could usefully have done to prevent the major problems you had with this awful man (besides all the things you did do at the time to try and deal with him)?

dmg24

ceridwen wrote: »

12. If they are married/living together and start "making moves" - then the chances are that this is sexual harassment and NOT a genuine attempt at starting a "relationship" with you. Many people DO meet their life partners at work - but always think twice as to whether any "personal" chatting is the start of an attempt for a genuine "relationship" with you or sexual harassment.

Whilst I do not disagree with the majority of what you have said, this is rubbish. A married person is no more or less likely to harass than a single person, and the suggestion of an affair when two people are in agreement is far from harassment!

hippygran

Ceridwen,

No, in all honesty I did try all ways I could think of to stop the situation (and this included asking other colleagues to make sure I wasn't left alone with him), also leaving corporate events as early in the evening as I could without it looking 'off' - even when I really wanted to stay!

Over the years, I am sure people thought it was strange that on an overnight function, I always developed a 'headache' immediately after dinner was over, before the evening entertainment began!

All I can do is urge others to act sooner rather than later! Obviously if my immediate manager had known what was going on, I wouldn't have been in the situation where I was alone with him in a locked office in the first place. I could still kick myself for allowing this to happen - I should have point blank refused!!

Dmg - I do agree with your comment. Married people and people with significant others do have affairs. I did actually have another colleague (more my own age) - who took a bit of a shine to me, and got a bit flirty (although never touchy or groping) - BUT the big difference was when told to back off, he did immediately. Many years later we are still good friends - and although I get the occasional reference to 'what might have been' - I have never felt threatened by this person - or felt vulnerable in his presence.

There is a world of difference between someone being genuinely attracted to someone, and pervy behaviour. Pervy is when it is unwanted, the perpetrator knows their advances are unwanted, but still persists.

ceridwen

There's two things that haven't cropped up on yet - on this thread or the two threads that prompted it.

1. This is not just a female problem. There are men who also experience sexual harassment at work (a poster commented that her husband had experienced a bad time with this - but that was the only mention of this). So - have any men who have experienced sexual harassment from women got any useful comments about how to deal with this they can share with us?

2. The second thought is in relation to those 2 "old-fashioned" tv presenters who have just lost their jobs because of it. They obviously made a habit of "injudicious" remarks over the years and they have now been "called" on it. So - I've certainly been speculating as to just who is responsible for those videos concerned going out. There is an argument for private conversations remaining private - but I am guessing that this was the only way to stop them from making such remarks in the end and it could have been anyone that did that:
- women who have been on the receiving end of such remarks
- older women who had previously experienced this sort of thing elsewhere and had been sympathetically watching the younger women experiencing this
- helpful/sympathetic men who didnt want to see women exposed to these type of comments any more
- a careerist who saw which way the wind was blowing and saw their chance to "nip past a rival" for a post they want

Could have been some person or people from any one of those 4 categories...

I've seen "workplace politics" used against a man like this before now by a rival for promotion - successfully so - and the man concerned then "vanished" from the workplace. So - I am guessing that there may be times when the problem has been dealt with in other ways by other people because they are trying to help the person being harassed on the one hand OR because it suits them personally on the other hand.

So:
- have we any men reading this who have been on the receiving end of sexual harassment and do you have any particular tips for us on how to deal with this from your perspective?

- has anyone seen "workplace politics" used as something that incidentally removed a harasser from a position where they were "making a nuisance of themselves"?

Strider590

The woman in the office downstairs.... She keeps telling me im making her crack bigger _pale_

langsmith

Strider590 wrote: »

The woman in the office downstairs.... She keeps telling me im making her crack bigger _pale_

Ask her to show you, as you don't know what she means ! Take photo's and either report her to HR or depending on you take, send a copy to her old man !

That should stop it dead I'd think.

Strider590

^^ She means the huge crack up the wall and across the ceiling (old Edwardian building) :rotfl:

missindecisive

I was sexually harrassed in an office I worked in, he was my manager. I was in my twenties, about to get married, he was in his fifties.
He used to come out with all sorts of inappropriate comments, not just to me but to the other younger female staff.
Here's just a couple of examples;

A female colleague passed him on the stairs, he said to her " ooh this is where young girls might get raped by their managers whilst no-one is looking"
Another day he said to me- " Don't worry honey, you will find it easier to deal with difficult customers when you are married and having more regular sex with your husband"

He was a gymnastics coach (god knows why he was overweight and not one bit athletic). He was once overheard in the staff room how he really ENJOYED supporting the younger girls over the vault and how " you never know where your hands might accidently end up touching someone"
There were lots of sickly comments that just used to make us all totally cringe.
Was he joking? Was it just a sick inapproproiate sense of humour that was'nt shared by the female staff? maybe. But the point is this, he made nearly all of us feel uncomfortable and uneasy,and he seemed to do it more to the younger females.
Then the day came,perhaps when I'd heard it one time to many. I can't actually remember what exactky he said to me, think ive blocked it out. But he made the mistake of making one of his 'comments' in front of another male colleague. I turned around and calmly said , in my loudest voice
"if you don't stop sexually harrassing me and making these inappropriate remarks I will report you to Hr and bring in my union rep to sort this out- ive had enough of your silly inuendos, you are a pathetic silly man, and I dont care if you are my manager or not, Im sure your wife will be very interested to hear what this is all about. And xx here, is my witness "

And with that, he promptly went as white as a sheet, and fell silent. Maybe he had'nt realised just how he was coming across and making us all feel-or perhaps he was on such a power trip it had'nt occurred to him that anyone would be prepared to stand up for themselves. Whatever the though process behind his cretinous little brain, he did'nt do it again, shortly afterwards he retired. Needless to say, I did'nt contribute towards his leaving pressy !:rotfl:

Strider590

Desk jockey's don't know how easy they have it.

I think some people need to experience working on a factory floor for a year or two..... They'd then laugh at the pathetic ramblings of whining office staff.

That's where I started and it really has hardened me against all this nonsense.... Especially when people gossip so much that they turn nothing at all into a huge issue!