at my wits end

poppett

I have googled endlessly tonight searching for some sort of answer for my dilemma with no success so thought I would try here.

My 21 yr old son has very recently got in a relationship where the girl has a 2yr old and is 3 months pregnant (not my sons). I have been informed today that he is on about putting his name on the birth certificate when he baby arrives (if they are still together) and I know this will then mean HE would be responsible for CSA should they split. I haven't seen me son tonight as he went off to work before I got home but I know if I mention it I'll be the nagging mother and he will storm out as he does whenever I try to talk to him.

He has also lost the chance of a flat at he place he works because last week he had an interview and then phoned work to say it was carrying on later (the interview) and stupidly went on Facebook saying he was at his girlfriends enjoying the afternoon with her. So today he has had a disciplinary.

I don't know what to do for the best.....I know he has to learn by his mistakes but I feel this birth certificate business could be one BIG one. I can't say anything outright to him because he will guess who told me.

I'm rambling now so I'll just go.

PreludeForTimeFeelers

If he's not the biological dad, then even if a CSA case was opened against him then he would be able to deny paternity, and wouldn't automatically be liable to pay maintenance. He might have to have a DNA test, but if he is sure he's not the dad then he wouldn't have anything to worry about.

poppett

he has known her only 2 weeks so there's no way he is the dad. He is rushing into this head first, I know that but if I try to talk to him he'll storm out.

PinkLipgloss

From what you have said I seriously doubt this relationship will last.

As Prelude has commented he won't have to pay the CSA - however they could cause him grief:

If I am named as the parent of a child, can I appeal to the CSA against presumed parentage?
Technically, no. The person named as the parent of a child can only appeal against a decision about how we work out child maintenance. They can do this on the grounds that they are not the parent of the child, but it is up to them to provide evidence that they are not the parent.

We must receive any appeal within one month of the date of the letter we sent to the person named as the parent of the child. This letter tells them how child maintenance has been worked out.

Or, the person named as the parent of a child can apply direct to a court at any time to prove they are not the child's parent. They would apply for a 'declaration of non-parentage' (or a 'declarator of non-parentage' in Scotland).

The courts will usually ask the person named as the parent of a child to take a DNA test. If the person refuses, the court may assume that they are, in fact, the parent of the child.

Going to court to prove parentage is not the same as appealing against a child maintenance decision. However, if the court makes a declaration of non-parentage, that person will no longer be expected to pay child maintenance for that child.

I fully understand your concerns - what kind of woman would want to have her bf of 2 weeks named as the father on a birth certificate? Especially given he is not the father! Bizarre....

Don't worry - it's bound to fizzle out. In the meantime be supportive of your son - I doubt she is worth falling out with him over!

meritaten

oh dear - hun you wont like this advice - back off and keep mouth shut! he is in love/lust with this girl and whatever you say now will be forever held against you! if you can possibly manage it then open your house and arms to this girl - there may be things you dont know and he could be her knight in shining armour. or he could be the patsy as you suspect. but keep that buttoned and help him. he is your son and at the end of the day if he isnt the childs father then he wont be liable. but she may be in terrible trouble and he is trying to help her.

diable

poppett wrote: »

he has known her only 2 weeks

Has he had many girlfriends?


oh and tell him to lock down his FB asap

PreludeForTimeFeelers

PinkLipgloss wrote: »

From what you have said I seriously doubt this relationship will last.

As Prelude has commented he won't have to pay the CSA - however they could cause him grief:



I fully understand your concerns - what kind of woman would want to have her bf of 2 weeks named as the father on a birth certificate? Especially given he is not the father! Bizarre....

Don't worry - it's bound to fizzle out. In the meantime be supportive of your son - I doubt she is worth falling out with him over!

That's correct, it would not be an appeal in the CSA's terms, however he certainly has the right to deny paternity. When they open a case against someone it is the first step, asking whether the non-resident parent accepts or denies paternity. Your son just has to tell them that he's not the dad, and they would then sort out DNA testing.

balletshoes

OP I hope the posts regarding the CSA and paternity liability have eased your mind a bit.

I'm sure you're up to high doe worrying about what your son is getting into, but he's an adult, you don't have to be gushy enthusiastic about his relationship, but you have to try to not be overtly against it either. Theres no surer way of having him stay in a relationship with his girlfriend even when it would normally have run its course, just to try and prove that you were wrong (my brother has a history of doing this, my mum is learning to button it but its taken years and several disastrous relationships).

thorsoak

poppett wrote: »

I have googled endlessly tonight searching for some sort of answer for my dilemma with no success so thought I would try here.

My 21 yr old son has very recently got in a relationship where the girl has a 2yr old and is 3 months pregnant (not my sons). I have been informed today that he is on about putting his name on the birth certificate when he baby arrives (if they are still together) and I know this will then mean HE would be responsible for CSA should they split. I haven't seen me son tonight as he went off to work before I got home but I know if I mention it I'll be the nagging mother and he will storm out as he does whenever I try to talk to him.

He has also lost the chance of a flat at he place he works because last week he had an interview and then phoned work to say it was carrying on later (the interview) and stupidly went on Facebook saying he was at his girlfriends enjoying the afternoon with her. So today he has had a disciplinary.

I don't know what to do for the best.....I know he has to learn by his mistakes but I feel this birth certificate business could be one BIG one. I can't say anything outright to him because he will guess who told me.

I'm rambling now so I'll just go.

She is three months' pregnant - so there are six months to go before she has the baby.......my advice is for you to say nothing at this stage - things could well change in that time! Worry about it when it is more likely to happen.

At the moment, take the view least said, soonest mended!

poppett

Thank you all for your replies. I just want to clear something up first, I had no intentions of having a go at my son I just wanted to try and tell him of the consequences of his actions but as you can guess this would be interpreted as "interfering or nagging." I, as a parent would back my kids 100%. I have no intentions of slagging his girlfriend off because has I have said to a close friend of mine, a lot of girls have children when they meet someone new and I have no problems with my any of my kids taking on someone else's child, I was just a bit wary of my son adding his name to the birth certificate. My own husband took on my kids when we got together, I admire a man that is willing to do that.

I have decided to leave it a while and see what happens. Who knows what might happen in the next 6 months. But I do appreciate all the replies you lovely people have sent me. Thank you.

judy2357

thorsoak wrote: »

She is three months' pregnant - so there are six months to go before she has the baby.......my advice is for you to say nothing at this stage - things could well change in that time! Worry about it when it is more likely to happen.

At the moment, take the view least said, soonest mended!

Totally agree with this, to make a big thing of not having his name on the Birth Certificate might be a mistake at this stage. No doubt during the next 6 months he will come moaning to you about something in their relationship (Ive got 2 adult sons of my own so know from experence), then would be a better time to inform him what the consequences of being responsible for child who is not his would be.