Divorce - Advice needed please

suzukibabe

I need some advice regarding Divorce.

I'll give you all brief outline:
We have/had been together for 8 1/2 years, married for 4 1/2 years, we have 2 boys.
I'm going to petition for divorce but don't really know where to start or what i need to do.
Have any of you had a DIY divorce? how did you go about that?
I've had a look around at solicitors and their fees - OMG!

We have no property to divide between us - although we are named as joint tenants, even though he isn't working and hasn't since 2006 and he refuses to move out. I'm the only one working and paying for everything hence the question about DIY divorce.

Would i be better off going through a solicitor?

I have a feeling he is going to contest the divorce, if he does what happens then?

What would be the best route to take regarding the boys as well? Am i going to need some sort of legally agreement as to who they will stay with? - hopefully me if we can agree - and for contact with their dad? I would never stop them from seeing him , they need to see him as much as he needs to see them.

Sorry for all the questions, just don't know which way to go.

RAS

Is you ex-partner a stay at home father/ Could he claim to be the primary parent.

And when you say you have no property but are joint tenants, are you renting?

old_motters

Yes, you would be better of getting a good solicitor.

skylight

Most solicitors do a free half hour anyway, so get some proper advice. DIY divorces are great if you both agree to everything up front and nothing is contested.

Mine informed me that as both parent have legal responsibility then courts don't decide who has residency or contact arrangements as its assumed you'll get on with it (although you do specify what the arrangements are on the documents, so its best to discuss this with your OHex2B). There are exceptions to the rule though, so problems such as violence etc can change things.

Any divorce can be contested but its a waste of time really; a judge will not trap someone in an unwanted marriage and will always grant one.

Do you have any joint accounts? Close these first and ensure your financial life is completely seperate. Divorce and seperation can do odd things to people when they are hurting and anything jointly opened will mean you are jointly liable if he withdraws everything (and who are the debt collectors going to chase because they are working!).

Have you looked into moving elsewhere with the boys? Look into giving notice on the tenancy and if you can release yourself from it legally (check on the renting board here). Again, if you dont do things properly and he refuses to pay the rent then you are jointly liable for the debt.

themull1

I think you need to see a solicitor as you have the kids to sort between you. It would be different if it was just the two of you. I divorced my first husband myself, very straightforward.

suzukibabe

Originally posted by RAS
Is you ex-partner a stay at home father/ Could he claim to be the primary parent.

And when you say you have no property but are joint tenants, are you renting?

I work 25 hours a week, he only has the boys for 5 hours a day, well the youngest for 5 hours as the eldest is in school all day. Yes renting.

Orginally posted by Skylight
Do you have any joint accounts? Close these first and ensure your financial life is completely seperate. Divorce and seperation can do odd things to people when they are hurting and anything jointly opened will mean you are jointly liable if he withdraws everything (and who are the debt collectors going to chase because they are working!).

Have you looked into moving elsewhere with the boys? Look into giving notice on the tenancy and if you can release yourself from it legally (check on the renting board here). Again, if you dont do things properly and he refuses to pay the rent then you are jointly liable for the debt.

I have opened a separate account for my wages to be paid into but can't close our joint account until after Wednesday which is when my wages go in and yes i am getting worried that he'll go and empty the account. He 's expecting me to continue to pay for his car insurance and everything else too, his reason for this is that he needs the car to take the boys out - something that he doesn't do much of anyway.

As for moving with the boys, he has told me that i should move out but that i'm not taking the boys. I'm waiting for our HA to get back to me to let me know where i stand on this.

Originally posted by Skylight
There are exceptions to the rule though, so problems such as violence etc can change things.

He has been quite threatening towards me and is verbally abusive and aggressive quite often, i've been sleeping with a knife under my pillow for the last couple of weeks after some particularly nasty threats. We're in separate bedrooms and i'm trying to live separately from him, he hovers over my shoulder if my sister or a friend phone me to chat, making sure i'm not saying anything bad about him.
I'm finding it increasingly hard to keep my mouth shut and not rise to it, and i'm writing everything down too.

pupsicola

RAS wrote: »

Is you ex-partner a stay at home father/ Could he claim to be the primary parent.

This crossed my mind to when I was reading your post. If he did contest the divorce on this point it could get tricky if you are sorting it out yourself.

I got divorced 4 years ago and went through a solicitor. They got it all sorted out in 18 weeks probably down to the horrendous circumstances. The money side of it and access to the kids were all agreed legally which was for the best in our situation.

What kept the costs down was that somehow we had managed to sit down and agree everything before either of us contacted solicitors. It stopped them raking up a huge bill for us, as the correspondence going back and forth was greatly reduced.

I hope things go smoothly for you ((hug)). It is a very hard thing to go through.

pupsicola

suzukibabe wrote: »

He has been quite threatening towards me and is verbally abusive and aggressive quite often, i've been sleeping with a knife under my pillow for the last couple of weeks after some particularly nasty threats

His behaviour sounds very intimidating. Cant imagine many adults liking someone listening into phone calls to hear what is being said about them. That speaks volumes about him having a guilty conscience and not wanting other people to know what he is really like.

You say he is verbally abusive and aggressive quite often and that this is now escalating to nasty threats. If things were to escalate further now is the time when you are most at risk. People who are abusive, agressive and controlling are most likely to get violent when they feel their power has stopped.

Sleeping with a knife under your pillow is risky. For one if he knew about it he could use it against you when the divorce is going through. On a more urgent note, what happens if he goes into your room for an argument and finds it, are you strong enough to stop him using it on you?

Mention any abuse and threats to a solicitor.

RAS

suzukibabe wrote: »

I work 25 hours a week, he only has the boys for 5 hours a day, well the youngest for 5 hours as the eldest is in school all day.

Does he do anything for them outside work hours, when you are at home.

suzukibabe wrote: »

Yes renting.

Good - you can terminate the tenancy anytime and he can do nothing about it.

suzukibabe wrote: »

I have opened a separate account for my wages to be paid into but can't close our joint account until after Wednesday which is when my wages go in and yes i am getting worried that he'll go and empty the account.

Please speak to HR tomoorow and see if this can be reversed and you can be paid by cheque. He will empty it. if you cannot do that, can you find out from the bank when it will be there and raid it yourself.

Speak urgently to the various benefits agencies and get them to move all payments to your new account.

suzukibabe wrote: »

He 's expecting me to continue to pay for his car insurance and everything else too, his reason for this is that he needs the car to take the boys out - something that he doesn't do much of anyway.

You need to get out of the house and the relationship. he can whistle.

suzukibabe wrote: »

As for moving with the boys, he has told me that i should move out but that i'm not taking the boys. I'm waiting for our HA to get back to me to let me know where i stand on this.

Please speak to Women's Aid and ask the HA if there is a DV officer, as it sounds like you have now reached that stage.

suzukibabe wrote: »

He has been quite threatening towards me and is verbally abusive and aggressive quite often, i've been sleeping with a knife under my pillow for the last couple of weeks after some particularly nasty threats.

Probably not a good idea, as he could use it against you instead. if things are that bad, you need to talk to women's aid and get out with the kids.

suzukibabe wrote: »

I'm finding it increasingly hard to keep my mouth shut and not rise to it,

Well done - you are most a risk in the next couple of weeks so please be very very careful.

suzukibabe wrote: »

and i'm writing everything down too.

Can you record any of it as well?

And please read this https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963 MSE guide to DV. You need to get out, love.

BILLIE

Hi Suz - I really do hope that you are able to get out of this relationship - people who verbally and mentally abuse others are dangerous. My exOH was very clever - and so wanted me to rise to his threats. I snapped once and threw all his clothes down the stairs, but of course that is just what he wanted me to do. Please take RAS's advice and try and seek refuge with Women's Aid. Thinking of you and if it is any help sending hugs. Billie x

rachel6188

Thinking of you huni and I wish you all the best xox