Is it me or him?

milliemonster

I have read your story and although having never experienced anything like this myself, as a complete outsider I thought I would offer you my thoughts.

I do think this man is harrassing you in the most subtle, dangerous kind of way. How does he interact with other colleagues that he has to work closely with? do you feel that he has completely singled you out in the way you are being treated by him?

I also think you need to ask yourself what YOU want from this, and from any action that may be taken by yourself or HR if it were to go that far. You have already said that you feel at a point where you have to take some action now due to the continued distress and culminating effects this is having on you, by your own admission that you are now conscious of what you wear to ensure you are covered up even when the office is hot shows that this man's behaviour towards you is causing you to feel uncomfortable, whether anyone else sees it as harrassment or not.

If you had a strong word with your boss, as you know him, how do you envisage your professional relationship to continue? you have mentioned you feel your career is over here, do you think you can go back to how it used to be and continue to work closely with him? or has this now gone too far?

If you feel strong enough that you could regain a professional relationship with him (and he would abide by that himself) then in the first instance you need to discuss with him how he is making you feel and give him a chance to respond, if you do not get the desired outcome at this stage then you need to take things further with HR.

It may be that you feel you can no longer work with him, in which case you should be looking for alternative employment, for your own sanity.

I would still speak to HR, you should be able to do this in a confidential way and take their advice prior to activating a full grievance procedure.

I would not be able to work for this man in your shoes, we spend an awful amount of time at work and to be so unhappy and almost 'scared' to go to work is unacceptable. Only you know how he would react and 'treat you' following a discussion about his behaviour towards you.

Good luck

skattykatty

I didn't want to read and run either. This man clearly saw a chance to pounce on a vulnerable woman and it isn't surprising that you couldn't 'see' what he was doing at the start because your mind was on other things after your break up. I think his behaviour is particularly dangerous and would echo all that other, more experienced, posters have said.

Look after yourself. You have clearly started to trust yourself again after going through a lot of emotional turmoil, so hold on to that. He has no right to ANY part of you: your story, your life, your time beyond the 9 - 5, your body - NOTHING!!

Take good care..

Strider590

I don't know if his behaviour is sexual or not, but the guy clearly craves an amount of friendly female affection that he probably no longer gets from his own wife..... And being a manager he's in a position where most people would want to keep him at a good arms length.

I blame the wife because if he was happy at home, he wouldn't be pulling this cr4p at work.

langsmith

The term 'sweetheart' can be construed as condescending. Ask him to refrain from using the term as you are NOT his 'sweetheart' !!

Savvy_Sue

Strider590 wrote: »

I blame the wife because if he was happy at home, he wouldn't be pulling this cr4p at work.

:eek::eek::eek:

is it worth exploring with HR the possibility of an internal transfer?

aitch-aitch

How long were you working for him before this started? What happened to his previous PA?

The reason I ask is that you may not be his first "victim". We had a similary incident at work and one lady was brave enough to report it to HR. The rest all just left the company to avoid him.

My advice would be to report it to HR as soon as possible! I can understand why you don't want to but at the moment he is making your life difficult to say the least. What really have you got to loose if you report it?

Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

Edit - forgot to say that the guy in question was dismissed.

sho_me_da_money

I don't like how you are personally attacking him for his hygiene. It has has no relevance - simply say he was unattractive and that's it. There's no need of stretching it to a next level.

You were hurt, you took off some sick days to deal with a non-sick related issue (Yes, Love Sick does not count), you opened up, he listened to you and now he is showing early signs of sexual harassment.

Save yourself a grilling from me and do what the other person didn't - inform HR NOW! The longer you let this go on, he may just end up flashing his penis at you (as was the case with the Gwen situation).

gwen80

I just wanted to pop in to offer my support. I can't look at my own thread at the moment. I've got too many battles to fight in real life without engaging in unnecessary ones on the internet.

I think this man is trying to become your friend and confidante (as the guy in my case did) in order to gain your trust for his own gain. You've seen what he's doing, unfortunately I didn't. A friend has described this behaviour to me as a type of 'grooming'. It makes sense, but wasn't really something I'd thought about ever happening to me. I thought it happened to 14 year old girls on the internet when they get chatting to a stranger.

To the person blaming his wife - what a ridiculous comment! Somebody commented to me, shortly after the incident, that 'maybe he isn't happy in his relationship'. It didn't make any sense to me. If that were the case, it would be acceptable for a single man to behave like this and it isn't. I thought the guy in my case might change his behaviour after he was married and take his vows seriously. He didn't, his behaviour worsened dramatically in just one incident.

Someone here suggested inventing a partner. I seriously considered this, but decided it was too difficult to keep up with, not only to him, but to others too.

I put on weight last year, I thought that might deter him and clearly it hasn't.

I would take ceridwen's advice and I would make sure that I'd made it absolutely crystal clear (preferably in writing and keep a copy) that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. I let things go that I shouldn't...the looking at my b00bs, touching himself, inappropriate emails...I thought if I ignored it, it might go away, he'd stop it when he was married blah, blah, blah...I've learnt a very hard lesson that there are some people out there for whom there are very few deterrants and normal morals do not exist. You have to protect yourself.

Wishing you the very best of luck

Gwenx

Innerapple

Hi JessD.
You're not mad and it doesn't sound as if it's all in your mind - it sounds more like you feel trapped in a horrible situation. If I were you, I'd start getting proactive and if you don't feel able to take steps to regain control then perhaps you need a trip to the Doctors? (You, and others, may not think you are depressed but feeling this unhappy and the accumulation of so much stress is likely to take a toll. Being signed off for a little while may help tremendously by helping you detach yourself from the pressure oven this has all become in your own mind.)

To an outsider like me it seems obvious that you need to distance yourself from this man. Emotional distance has left you questioning every little thing which has happened and made him feel the need to re-tie the emotional bond he (wrongly) feels you two created, so maybe it’s time to think about physical distance? Can you leave the company or change departments?

I can’t see any benefits to staying where you are but I know people do things for all sorts of reasons… so how about trying some of these suggestions:
1. Make a list of pros and cons about your job. Do you like the work and/or your colleagues; is the journey/location convenient; how would you feel if he left; how would you feel if he changed position (either sideways or higher)? This should help give you some clarity.
2. Consider updating your CV and setting yourself a challenge of looking and applying for jobs. Maybe one application a day or 30-minutes of searching a day? This will help you feel less ‘trapped’ and it’s something you can control.
3. Look to see if there are any internal vacancy's you can apply for if you do want to stay with the company. Or perhaps you could take a secondment? If you change department does anyone need to know about the history of what happened with this boss?
4. Decide whether or not to confront your boss. It seems that the fact you haven't confronted him is weighing heavily on your mind. It may be best in the short-term for you not to raise this issue with him especially as, if you do decide to leave, it will increase your stress levels and may further jeopardise your position. So, just making a decision on this one way or another could make you feel better. (Personally I wouldn’t confront him – I know it would leave me with an endless conversation in my head of what I should have said… and he may not react in a way you anticipate. What do you have to gain from challenging him? I’d say it’s unlikely to improve your day to day interaction.)
5. Decide whether you want to take details of this to HR. Again, I hope just making a decision will make you feel better. Please remember that any conversations with HR may well turn out to be grueling and traumatic as, no matter how nice the HR person is, they must consider the company first. If you do decide to broach the matter with HR then first decide on the outcome you’re looking for. Compensation? Punishment for your boss? I’m afraid neither are likely without a long process if at all.
6. Forgive yourself. As you say, this seems to have crept up. He’s in a position of power and you were vulnerable. The fact you didn’t speak out is not something you should berate yourself for as I’m certain that many women and men in similar positions would have failed to act at the time plus we are socially tuned not to rock the boat. It takes an extremely assertive person to say ’Don’t touch me’ if someone pats them to imply reassurance and once that first contact has been made it can become insidious… After all, no-one would have foreseen that this situation would arise during those first days when you simply asked to take a longer lunch break to see CAB and he was engineering himself into a ‘supportive’ role. In fact making a point at that stage would certainly have marked you as a tad odd. I know it might sound a little too much like Self Help but really you can’t be blamed for any of this so please take some steps to change the situation and stop rehashing it in your mind as it will only drag you down deeper and really, you don’t want to give this guy any more of your time!

Cor, that was long. Let us all know how you get on.

dark_lady

Going by Striders comment and the obviously dubious principles that he has then it was so obviously Sonia Sutcliffes fault that Peter Sutcliffe murdered all those women in the late 1970s then. Just demonstrating what a ridiculous comment this is. Idiot!