Advice and a rant about HB Ex

balletshoes

Rant away OP, nowt wrong with that at all. If you want to help DSD through uni, thats fine too, but you need to accept that her mum may not wish to do that at all, never mind to the same level that you and your OH will.

I do agree that once at uni, she needs to learn to budget, and giving her money etc may not be the best way to do that. My colleague's only daughter is in her first year at uni, she has a basic phone contract which her mum pays for her, and each term when she comes home they go do a big basics food shop for her (pasta, tins, toilet rolls, bin liners etc etc). She gets nothing else and has to manage on her loans. She is being very careful with her money, and when she came home at Christmas she still had some of her loan in her bank account. Her 2 friends who get regular allowances from their parents on top of their uni loans were both well into their overdrafts.

If your DSD starts kicking off about the amount of financial support you intend giving her when she goes to uni, you could just tell her you're not obligated to give her anything at all, as she is an adult.

huskypup

Thanks everyone for your comments - I agree, you can help out too much, we have always tried to do our best for the children and for her, as her HB is horrible, but no more.

I think you are right Apricot, we will give DSD the money into her account when she goes to uni and what she does with it, is upto her, though I have this morning just taxed her car, as she had no money to do - should have said no - but hey soft touch.

We will have an adult conversation with her about money when she is down next weekend, tell her some truths I think, that we aren't obliged to help her, but we will help out WHERE we can.

DSS has sent my HB a text a lunchtime asking does he have to go to his mum's this weekend - he has been told to phone his mum and discuss it with her - we are keeping out of it.

There is no court order or court agreement for maintenance, all private aggreements - I don't even think she saw a solicitor when they divorced - she just wanted to marry the guy she was with so just signed the papers.

Thanks everyone.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

huskypup wrote: »

So Jo you think it was ok for her to leave a 16 year old to look after a 14 year old while she went away on holiday for 2 weeks, a 14 year old that was already being bullied at school, who suffers from ADHS and Dyspraxia. Also the fact without her being there they have to walk 3 miles to school each way - just short of the distance required for a school bus.


Im not the girlfriend but the wife have been for 8 years - lol.

So sorry, my psychic abilities must be failing me today. I think it probably isn't illegal for her to do it, though I would be assuming that she was going to go whether you had them or not (and not that she booked the holiday because she was secure in the knowledge that they would be able to spend the time with their loving stepmother, who loves them as her own and doesn't for an instant resent doing anything for them) - I am sure, by listening to the tone of your postings, that the former is sure to be the case, though.

rozmister wrote: »

The court order doesn't say "When your ex is away his girlfriend will have the kids for the time he would have to maintain continuity and a relationship" does it now?

As the exe's girlfriend/wife she doesn't need to look after his kids while he is at war she CHOOSES to. If I was a mother and somebody outside of my immediate family (not the child's Mum or Dad) looked after my children for me and even came to get them from my house the least I would say is thank you. It's good manners.

I was referring to MY ex's GF.

If she is to be regarded as a parent, then she doesn't need thanking - like a childminder or friendly neighbour. I thought you felt you were a parent, OP, particularly as you didn't dump the kids as soon as your OH was off on deployment, so why do you need thanks for doing something any parent would do?


I am sure that it is nothing but helpful to mop up after the ex wife and to bail her out whenever there is a problem. It is obviously something that the daughter is going to be able to get used to as well, now that you are going to be doing the same for her.


Of course, it is entirely your choice to be the ex wife's parent as well as the children's parent - I am sure that everyone else is delighted that all they have to do is moan a bit and huskypup parachutes in with a rescue team, red cross parcels and a clipboard of jobs to do.

But the phrase 'a rod for one's own back' springs to mind.

suki1964

As a Stepmum can i just say - no matter what you say or do it will never be enough

Its in the rules there - ex wives will forever extract the urine and step kids will always play parents against each other

Rant all you like, makes you fell better for a while but nothing will change

heretolearn_2

That's quite a cynical view, it may have been your experience but it hasn't been mine. I do 'step' in both directions - my son has a step-mum, my ex's wife - and I have 2 step-sons, my OHs kids. We don't have all this friction, no-one takes the mick, and the kids know what happens if they try to play on the situation!