Advice and a rant about HB Ex

huskypup

Ok, sorry if this seems long, but I am angry - ok probably more annoyed than angry.

Been with DH 12 years, he was in the middle of divorce when I met him, he had two small children - not so small now DSS - 15 and DSD 17. We (yes we as it came from joint account) £500 per month for the children - travelled 150 miles each way every other weekend to collect them and bring them here and had them half of all of the holidays. We paid for all hair cuts, took them on holiday every year, bough all clothese associated with this holiday plus anything else clothes wise they needed.

Fast forward to 6 months ago - DH was away in Afghanistan - DSS started to be bullied at school - in the 6 months he was away I still made the trip fortnightly to collect them and bring them here and half of the holidays, no thanks from the Ex wife - she even went on holiday herself to Kenya for 2 weeks took her other daughter from her new current husband and left DSS and DSD at home - I wasn't heppy about this - spoke to their schools and brought them here - she just said "whatever". Bullied was conitunuing at school - so DSS made the decision that he wanted a new start and moved down to live with us.

She went mad when she realised we had halved for maintenance DUH!!! he lives with us - and even worse when we put a claim in for child benefit.

DSD has now passed her driving test and wanted a car - she nagged her mum and step father and they bought her one for christmas - well half of one - the other half she was supposed to pay back out of her part time job - she earns £100 per month - the car insurance came out a ridiculous price - so our address was put on the log book - to bring the price down - still over £1600 per year, I suggested putting me down as the second driver to bring the price down (me as I have no points on my licence where as dad and mum do as does her step dad). I was accused of taking over. DSD was also supposed to pay for this insurance out of her £100 a month and pay also for the car!! - now this would never add up car insurance is £148 per month, so a deal was done, so we wouldn't pay maintenance for her, but we would pay for her insurance and put petrol in her car, but she had to give her mum some money each month for board and keep - think they have written off paying back for the car - fast forward and EX wife now saying she is out of pocket, not our problem - in fact technically we are out of pocket - we have son, she has daughter - no maintenance to pay really - and we pay car insurance and petrol - so we are still paying for the daughter - no problems there.

DSS - his mum does not phone him - she has just started having him every other weekend - but is insisting that we travel and meet her half way - she refused to do this when we were doing the travelling. We said we would meet half way when the DSS is coming down to us and swap them over - she comes down when she wants to because of her job, but usually she just appears and we fill her car up to get her back and run around until she comes up next time - plus some spending money.

DSD has interviews at 3 different universities in the next month EX wife is refusing to take her to any of them - so we are having to do it - some of them involving over night stays as they are in Plymouth and Cardiff. She is also saying she will not help her with money when she at uni (her husband earns £45k and she earns £25k, they live in a council house - so no mortgage), so we will have to give her money, we have told DSD that she either has car insurance paid or money for food - she was not happy about this.

DSS has settled well into school, he has friends and is doing really well, and isn't that bothered about seeing his mum, though he said he should do.

Sorry to rant, but I think we are being taken for mugs - where has DH just wants to keep the peace - but I have put my foot down and said he is not meeting her half way - we are not cash machines. And that when DSS goes to uni - Ex wife can start paying some sort of money for her son.

Am I getting worked up for nothing.

lauren_1

Im sorry but is it you DSS or DSD?

huskypup

Im ranting about ex wife really - not contributing to her son's upkeep and welfare really - and thinking we are made of money, plus the fact she isn't bothered about her son.

Pee

My advice with the student would be to help her sort out funding, i.e. student loans. She may have difficulty with these because of family income but if they are available, let her take out the loans and consider helping her pay them back in the future, rather than helping her too much now when the ability to take out the loan will still be there. (One of my friends scrimped and saved to put son through Uni, son then used the loan for a good time and gambling and now they are barely speaking.) I would be pleased to be so involved in the Uni visits, though, even though a little expensive. Take the time to really try and get a feel for the place, maybe go out for a curry. Will a car really be useful or needed at Uni?

It's hard enough for two parents to agree on stuff, without four adults being involved.

Keep a firm line about what you can afford, if you can't afford to help with money sometimes other ways can be as important.

jackomdj

lauren_1 wrote: »

Im sorry but is it you DSS or DSD?

I think lauren is refering to the fact that you have typed DSS then said she on a few occasions.

Personally I think they are taking the mick. I would stop paying any maintenance (as you said you have one each staying) but I would still be inclined to give the children things directly for things, as they are old enough to manage their own money now.

Re the maintenance, was it a private arrangement or via court? If via court you may have to go down that route to change it?

I would be happy to run around after the children, but not the Mum.

huskypup

HB texts DSD every day - she seldom replies - he texts Ex about how DSS is getting on - as she is not bothered about contacting him.

We have said to DSD that she won't need a car when at uni - but she won't have it - so think we will carry on paying for insurance but not petrol - but will do a food shop for her every month.

Ex wife HB has no input in the childrens lives - in fact she didn't tell him that DSS was living with us - he thought it was a school holiday - they have very seperate lives - until she wants money from him - but that's there business - trouble is I think this is starting to rub off on DSD.

I am taking DSD to one of the interviews and HB is taking her to the other two.

We are also taking her on holiday with us as a last family holiday before she goes to uni - her mum, step dad and half sister - are going to Florida and DSD and DSS were not invited.

Its not easy being a step parent sometimes.

rozmister

If her parents earn that much she will probably only get basic loan (roughly £1,100 a term) which will only cover her rent. Explain to DSD that uni is the perfect opportunity to learn to manage her money and find her feet in the real world. Maybe word that in a bit of a less parent like manner! If she wants a car at uni she needs to get a job! I had a car in my 2nd year which I definitely couldn't have afforded if I hadn't worked. Unless she is doing a science course she will have enough free time for a little p/t job. I work in a supermarket as a supervisor for 12 hrs a week, something I still do now despite being on full time placement. Talk to her about budgetting and prioritising her spending. I wish someone had done this with me when I started uni because I ran up so much debt! She may not listen to you but then you'll have had a fair crack at it.

With their Mum I'd just ignore her and take the high ground. My cousin was in a similar situation to you when her step children were younger (they're grown ups now) and she never retaliated and just stuck to her guns. They tried not to give too much money directly to Mum and instead bought things for the kids and gave them it and gave them small allowances. They did give a small amount of maintenance to the mum but the idea was that they paid for a lot of the extras instead.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Why would you 'have' to support an adult at University?

(Mind you, she does sound about 6 by the way you talk about her pestering for a car)

TBH, I wouldn't be thanking you for collecting my child for the access visits presumably set in a court order. Why should she thank you? I wouldn't thank my ex for seeing his child - or his GF picking her up as it's called being a responsible parent.

rozmister

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

TBH, I wouldn't be thanking you for collecting my child for the access visits presumably set in a court order. Why should she thank you? I wouldn't thank my ex for seeing his child - or his GF picking her up as it's called being a responsible parent.

The court order doesn't say "When your ex is away his girlfriend will have the kids for the time he would have to maintain continuity and a relationship" does it now?

As the exe's girlfriend/wife she doesn't need to look after his kids while he is at war she CHOOSES to. If I was a mother and somebody outside of my immediate family (not the child's Mum or Dad) looked after my children for me and even came to get them from my house the least I would say is thank you. It's good manners.

huskypup

The Ex wife forgets very quickly that it was me that gave the money to leave her current husband not once but on two occasions only for her to back to him, she also forgets it was me not HB that she phoned when she was having problems with DSS.

So Jo you think it was ok for her to leave a 16 year old to look after a 14 year old while she went away on holiday for 2 weeks, a 14 year old that was already being bullied at school, who suffers from ADHS and Dyspraxia. Also the fact without her being there they have to walk 3 miles to school each way - just short of the distance required for a school bus.

Yes I choose to see the children when my HB is away in Afghanistan, not so much for me but for him, so they have some resemblence of a normal life for a short amount of time, and so he can speak to them on the phone or internet - if he can get a signal.

I personnally think the ex wife wants the money, but not the children.

She will be 18, yes technically an adult but 1000's of parents help out with money when there children are at uni - to try and stop them spiralling into even more debt than they will be already, she will have to get a job - but its not always that easy - though i am retyping her CV for her this weekend.

Im not the girlfriend but the wife have been for 8 years - lol.

Apricot

Huskypup there is a thing such as helping too much. I was helped out when I went to uni but, many of my friends were helped out a lot more and it didn't matter if they spent all their wages on drinking because mummy and daddy would send them over more money.

I would make it clear to DSD that a set amount each month will be transferred to her (maybe equivalent to what you pay now) and that she can either pay her insurance or her food or whatever but once that is gone -there will be no more.

It's also worth pointing out that in Cardiff if she goes to halls a parking space will cost her about £150.00 per term - if she doesn't buy a space there is nowhere for her to park as the surrounding area is all resident's parking and she will get ticketed if she parks there (I once had 4 tickets in a fortnight!). Basically she has to learn that she can't have everything she wants or she will never ever stand on her own two feet.

As for the ex wife - once DSD is in Uni you don't even need to speak her really. Surely DSS is old enough to make his own arrangements with her regarding visiting?