Absent grandparents and school photos

pupsicola

If your OH wants to send the pics let him, if he doesn't leave it. She sounds like the type of person who would see this as you trying to patch things up. She wont see how out of order she has been and how badly she treats her grandchildren. I wouldn't give someone like that so much consideration, she sounds a tad barmy.

Abbafan1972

Thanks for your replies. We have never "dumped" our kids on Grandparents at all.

Can I also point out that just before this happened, my eldest had just had surgery on one of her eyes (all is fine) and she hasn't even phoned to see how she is, in fact we haven't heard a dickie bird since October.

Plans_all_plans

I feel you're still missing the point. You've not bothered with them since October either. One of you will have to make the first move. If she's not going to do it, you'll have to. The whole thing is very childish.

pupsicola

I dont think you are being childish op. I cant fathom why a grandparent would behave the way your mil does toward their grandchildren. It shows a total lack of concern and love. As adults we evaluate which relationships are worth having and which are not. If someones behaviour is untolerable and offensive then cut ties and move on. Am sure plenty on here will disagree with this and thats fine, just my point of view.

red_devil

i cant understand why people wouldnt want to see their grandkids and babysit etc. They are an extension of their children and helping out is normal children are only small for a shirt space of time so get in while you can.

All this rubbish ive bought up my kids whats that mean its an excuse? it means i cant be bothered, im boring and i am miserable. By seeing them sometimes and helping out dosent mean you are bringing them up.

I think its disgusting saying i have done my bit so dont want to know what did people have kids for then if they dont want grandkids:mad:

LittleMissAspie

red_devil wrote: »

I think its disgusting saying i have done my bit so dont want to know what did people have kids for then if they dont want grandkids:mad:

It's only fairly recently that women have had the choice to not have children. Forty years ago it was the done thing to have children and give up work. Even now it's seen as a bit strange to not want children, especially if you are female.

red_devil

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

It's only fairly recently that women have had the choice to not have children. Forty years ago it was the done thing to have children and give up work. Even now it's seen as a bit strange to not want children, especially if you are female.

whats that got to do with it though.

amandada

I think you and MIL are as bad as each other. My children lost both their grandmothers in the space of 8 weeks last year and it's hit them VERY hard. You say you've not heard from MIL since October-be the bigger person and pick up the phone to her-the last I heard, phone lines go 2 ways.
I'm sure it's very frustrating for you-I'd be frustrated too, but really, life's too short for this kind of carry on

barbiedoll

Maybe you should just go round there (on your own) and have it out with her. Not bothering to call after your child's operation is a bit callous, even I can see that!

I had a similar situation with my mum after I had my son. She would call and ask if we were all ok but more often than not, I called her. She rarely came to see me (lives fairly locally) and as she was always telling me how her mum came over every Tuesday or whatever, I got quite upset and ended up having a slanging match with her on the phone. When we met up, she explained to me that her mother-in-law was an absolute horror when I was born, turning up practically every day, criticising my mum's handling of her baby, her feeding methods, the way I was dressed, and almost everything else. My dad was quite useless, being too gutless to stand up to his own mother and my mum was left feeling very depressed by it all. It was only when a health visitor saw how upset my mum was, that she intervened and came round when my dad was at home one evening (in her own time!) and told him exactly what he needed to do and to tell his mother to butt out. My mum always swore that she would never put any of her children through that so she became quite a "hands-off" grandmother.
After we spoke, I assured her that it was quite alright for her to pop round unannounced and that I would be very glad to see her but even now, 13 years later, she will never just "pop round", without being invited first. Even when I invite her, she always says..."are you sure DH won't mind?" Her and my husband get on great and he would have no problem with her coming round at any time, as he has told her many times! She has babysat when I have asked her but has never offered otherwise. I think she feels that I will think that she is trying to take my son from me (if only! :rotfl:) She will only come round at Xmas or on DS's birthday if I invite her, she would never dream of inviting herself. It does make me mad sometimes, but I have learned to live with it, it's just the way she is.

Your MIL just sounds as though she isn't that bothered about your kids. She may have a reason for that, she may not. I think you'll have to accept the fact that she won't change as she gets older. Accept the Xmas and birthday money for the kids, make sure that they send thank-you notes, or call her to say thanks and give her photos if you have spare ones, don't bother otherwise. If she calls and wants to see them, go if it's convenient for you, if not, don't. Encourage the kids to call her to keep in touch, for their benefit at least. If they want to go to see her, get them to ask themselves, see what excuses she comes up for them! And don't take it too personally, I really doubt that it's anything to do with you or your kids. And remember......if she needs to be cared for when she is older, you can pack her off to BIL without a qualm, as she is so fond of his family, surely it would be her first choice!

jollymummy

It must be so upsetting for you OP, I can understand your frustrations. Must admit though I would agree with Barbie Doll, I'd pop the photos through her letterbox with a note from your children. Perhaps saying give us a ring or something, then the ball is firmly in her court. You can get on with your life knowing you have done all you can. My inlaws do my nut in at times, playing favourites but my son loves them, so I keep up a good relationship for his sake. They aren't getting any younger and won't be around for ever, sadly my Dad died 3 years before my son was born and it makes me sad that he only has one Grandad, so I do all I can to make sure they see each other.
Good luck.