Absent grandparents and school photos

Abbafan1972

Thought I would post to see what you all think of this.

OH hasn't spoken to his parents since mid October due to an argument. MIL would only see our kids (9 & 6) at her house and won't visit us here despite living only half a mile away. She would expect us to jump through hoops for her and ring on Thurs/Fri to see them that weekend, but would also cancel at the drop of a hat because she was "busy", so we could never plan anything, she works full time (but is due to retire this year I believe) and of course would never make any effort to see kids any other time.

She even sent birthday & Xmas money in the post inside a card (£25 & £50:eek:), because I went mad and told her not to dump presents in the porch, ring the door bell and drive off, if she can't make the effort to see the kids.

OH has a brother who has 2 kids (a lot older), despite working full time back then, no complaints, endless babysitting and stopovers for BIL's kids.

My point is that I have 2 school photos, one from late last year and one from 2 years ago, (we fell out again then and kids stopped going round because MIL was playing silly beggars, but kids went round again after I intervened and gave the old bag another chance). We usually buy the photo pack with one big one for us and 2 smaller for Grandparents, my parents have had theirs.

I was thinking of putting the school photos in an envelope through the door, would be a bit pointless sending them through the post. Should I just put the photos in an envelope or put a note with it?

I have mentioned it to OH about the photo but he doesn't seem bothered and hasn't said anything.

Thanks in advance.

nancyo

I wouldn't even bother giving her a photo, why should you if she doesn't even want to see the kids...

julie03

if your OH isnt bothered , neither would i, my MIL hardly bothers with my 3, she lives 1 bus ride away, is retired has a freedom pass, but doesnt visit. we sometimes get a visit on a birthday, but its rare
shes not a bad person, she just doesnt seem that interested in her grandchildrens lives. we stopped with all the school photos years ago, if its not appreciated then dont worry about it.
my mum on the other hand, constantly wants photos and to come on trips and stuff and travels from hampshire on public transport just to see her grandkids and me

i personally wouldnt even bother ordering them for her anymore

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Does your children want a relationship with their grandparents? Thats the thing i would be looking at.

If they did then i would send a picture and add a note saying that the kids really miss her

(I can not stand my ex's mum, but as my child wants to see her i put up with her - she gets pics etc)

WestonDave

Trouble is - whilst your feelings about her attitude are entirely understandable, its your kids that are missing out on time with their grandmother. It may therefore be worthwhile for their sake to try and find ways to bury the hatchet.

I don't say that lightly because I've been through the dumb argument thing with my inlaws who seem rather sensitive (to put it politely) so we've had periods of not speaking, and others of generally polishing their egos to avoid a repeat or to repair some perceived slight. (It seems to run in the family as there always seems to be someone not talking to someone else!).

The reality is that your kids only have limited chances to build a relationship with an ageing grandparent, so if they don't take their chances now they may miss out forever if she passes away. On that basis maybe phoning her and saying you have some school photos - would she like you to bring the kids round with them for an afternoon/hour/few minutes, might be a way of starting to rebuild things.

In most arguments its likely that the person who was immature enough to start it, is also going to be too immature to take the grown up steps to resolve it - so you need to grit your teeth, be the grown up one and get through it for your kids sake even if you have to knock back a large one later to compensate! You've already done it once so clearly you are the mature one in this situation - do it for your kids, not for her!

pulliptears

WestonDave wrote: »

Trouble is - whilst your feelings about her attitude are entirely understandable, its your kids that are missing out on time with their grandmother. It may therefore be worthwhile for their sake to try and find ways to bury the hatchet.

I don't say that lightly because I've been through the dumb argument thing with my inlaws who seem rather sensitive (to put it politely) so we've had periods of not speaking, and others of generally polishing their egos to avoid a repeat or to repair some perceived slight. (It seems to run in the family as there always seems to be someone not talking to someone else!).

The reality is that your kids only have limited chances to build a relationship with an ageing grandparent, so if they don't take their chances now they may miss out forever if she passes away. On that basis maybe phoning her and saying you have some school photos - would she like you to bring the kids round with them for an afternoon/hour/few minutes, might be a way of starting to rebuild things.

In most arguments its likely that the person who was immature enough to start it, is also going to be too immature to take the grown up steps to resolve it - so you need to grit your teeth, be the grown up one and get through it for your kids sake even if you have to knock back a large one later to compensate! You've already done it once so clearly you are the mature one in this situation - do it for your kids, not for her!

Building relationships are two way streets, if the Grandparent refuses to make any effort then I can fully understand OP's stance on this, I'd be mad too.

Phoning her to 'bring the kids round' is giving it to her on a plate really, if OP simply must follow that advice I'd suggest phoning and asking HER to pop round to collect the photographs.

I get the impression that this isn't a one off argument, more a culmination of several years of frustration.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

pulliptears wrote: »

Building relationships are two way streets, if the Grandparent refuses to make any effort then I can fully understand OP's stance on this, I'd be mad too.

Phoning her to 'bring the kids round' is giving it to her on a plate really, if OP simply must follow that advice I'd suggest phoning and asking HER to pop round to collect the photographs.

I get the impression that this isn't a one off argument, more a culmination of several years of frustration.

Yes it is a two way street but Grandparents may be thinking the same thing.

I know my ex MIL wouldnt dare come round to our house after an argument because she knew it would lead to another. Currently - they hate me. Thats fine, i dont mind. But they Love my DD. I'm not "allowed" anywhere near their house. ATM their son isnt having DD (he'd normally take DD to see them) so i rang them and offered them to see DD, I said i could drop DD off on XX at XX and that because of our circumstances there is to be no arguing in front of my child or i'll stop the access - simple. There is nothing stopping OP from saying "The kids are missing you and i think its important that your a part of their lives. If you would like to see them, then they are free (day) at (time) if you would like to see them can you give me XX notice"

That way OP isnt hanging on for a confirmation and Grandparents are being offered to see the children, who are the ones missing out atm

pulliptears

mommyme wrote: »

Yes it is a two way street but Grandparents may be thinking the same thing.

I know my ex MIL wouldnt dare come round to our house after an argument because she knew it would lead to another. Currently - they hate me. Thats fine, i dont mind. But they Love my DD. I'm not "allowed" anywhere near their house. ATM their son isnt having DD (he'd normally take DD to see them) so i rang them and offered them to see DD, I said i could drop DD off on XX at XX and that because of our circumstances there is to be no arguing in front of my child or i'll stop the access - simple. There is nothing stopping OP from saying "The kids are missing you and i think its important that your a part of their lives. If you would like to see them, then they are free (day) at (time) if you would like to see them can you give me XX notice"

That way OP isnt hanging on for a confirmation and Grandparents are being offered to see the children, who are the ones missing out atm

In OP's case they wont come to her house to see the children at all, even before any argument. Therefore to me they have always made no effort whatsoever.

Abbafan1972

Thanks for all your replies, I don't know how to multi quote so I will try and reply to you all.

Before we fell out a couple of years ago, MIL would visit very occasionally, usually on a Saturday, but it wouldn't be for long as she always had something else to do, ie shopping etc. Usually the visit would coincide with one of the kids birthdays. We picked up on this, but never said anything.

I offered her the olive branch by texting her and saying "it would be nice if you could come and see the kids". The next day, she didn't phone me but phoned OH and arranged to see them that weekend, OH had to take them round there, which isn't what I said.

I didn't think that she deserved the photo from 2 years ago and I just gave the one to my Parents and put the other one in the drawer. With regards to ordering photos for her, they come as a pack, so just buying one for us and my parents would work out more expensive.

She was complaining to OH that she works full time etc and he replied by saying "well you're not the only one who works full time you know", I don't know all of the conversation because I wasn't there. We are annoyed that she always seemed to have time for BIL's kids when they were little as she worked full time then. Because we've left it longer to have kids, we seem to have got the short straw.

I wouldn't say she's "old", she's only turning 65 this year. If she does retire this year, then she's going to have a lot of spare time on her hands.

The kids don't mention them to be honest, they may just say are we going anywhere this weekend, which means "are we going to nanny's".

barbiedoll

I know that 65 isn't "old" but if she is working full-time she may just find the thought of looking after two young, boisterous kids a bit much after a week at work. Don't forget, your BIL's kids are much older, she was younger when they were born and age does have a funny way of creeping up on you suddenly. She may also be worried that when she retires, you will be dumping the kids onto her whenever you can and she just wants to keep her distance now to avoid any misunderstandings later on.

Of course, she may just not be that keen on you! (Sorry, don't mean to be horrid but you can't make someone like you:o) And everyone thinks that all grandparents should dote on all of their grandchildren equally, in reality, some people just aren't that fussed about seeing their grandkids all of the time. She may just have had enough of her house being messed up by other people's kids and how do you know that she really enjoyed looking after BIL's kids? She may be shutting yours out because she resented all of the sleepovers, babysitting etc etc.

I wouldn't take it too personally, I know it can be annoying that she lives close but won't do her share. I would drop the photos into her anyway, get the kids to write a note too. Let them ring her but don't keep pestering her to have them at her house. You may find that she will appreciate them when they are a little older and a bit more self-sufficient.
Or else she may just be a horrid old bag. In which case, there's really not much you can do about it! :rotfl:

Plans_all_plans

Dear oh dear, what an unforgiving bunch most of you are!

My grandparents only ever came to see us in our house once in a blue moon, but my parents brought us to see them every weekend. Neither of them worked (grandad retired on ill health grounds in his 50s) and they could drive, but they just never came to us.

They wouldn't babysit for my parents, as they felt they'd done their bit raising their own kids and it was my parents' responsibility to raise us.

It sounds bad writing it down (and it's not the way I'd do things with my own kids/grandkids), but they are nice people, it's just the way they are! I would've hated my parents to have jeopardised my relationship with my grandparents, just because they felt they didn't make enough of an effort!!

My MIL is another one who'd not bother to visit us, particularly if she lived closer, but it's my child who'd be missing out on a meaningful relationship as much as her, and my child is my primary concern so I'd still keep the visits up if I were you!

There's no need to get in a strop about her not coming to you!! She was very generous to your kids at Christmas, so I feel you should make the effort to see them. Some people just do things differently to the way you would!