To give a gift or not?

Lillibet_2

Hi

Hoping for opinions please

In the past we have always echanged gifts with my sister in law & her family (husbnad, 2 teenage sons & her mother in law who lives with them & is very generous to us). However, the past few years we have given them a joint family gift of some sort of HM hamper (circa £10) & a HM photo calendar. We live a long way apart, only see each other a couple of times a year & though our choice are not particually close with them, although there is no bad blood, we don't really know much about their interests or tastes so TBH pressies have all been a bit of a waste (on both sides). In January we agreed we wouldn't exchange gifts any more but would try & get together for a family dinner in January instead, although SiL insisted she still wanted to buy for our (then) newborn son. She has stuck to this over birthdays, buying only for our son.

Saw SiL this weekend & she has left a stack of pressies for all of us. I haven't planned on buying them anything but was going to send our usual HM photo calendar Although there is a bit spare money in our Christmas budget I could do with directing it elsewhere. I know if I don't recopricate there will be hell to pay.

Opinions on what I should do please?

beverleyhills

Saw SiL this weekend & she has left a stack of pressies for all of us. I haven't planned on buying them anything but was going to send our usual HM photo calendar Although there is a bit spare money in our Christmas budget I could do with directing it elsewhere. I know if I don't recopricate there will be hell to pay.

Is your sister in law giving to receive? I would stick to the present giving policy you have told this family about. Don't be blackmailed into spending money that you can ill afford.

I think that meeting up for a family dinner is a nice idea.

gingin_2

Definitely stick with the homemade calender which is a lovely gift in itself. In the card I would make a point of highlighting the fact that you are looking forwards to meeting in January. I can't imagine how this could cause offence but if it does you should feel confident that it bears no reflection on you.

Suzey

I don't understand this bit... you had stuck to what was agreed and she deviated, so why should you feel bad about something you didn't know was going to happen?

My rule of thumb is that you should give because you want to, not because you feel you have to.

If your sister decided that this year she was going to go mad and buy for everyone, that's her prerogative. I mean, what if she does the same thing next year? You won't know where you stand because it will look as if she's decided she now wants to give but there was no discussion.

If you don't want to get her anything, I personally would ring her up, thank her for the presents and explain that I'm sorry but I wasn't expecting them and hadn't budgeted to get everyone something in return. As what she has done was unexpected, she should understand.

You could save yourself the anticipated hassle and get more presents for her, but like I said, is this setting an unwanted precedent for years to come?

Suze

Lillibet wrote:

I know if I don't recopricate there will be hell to pay.

Spendless

Suzey wrote:

If your sister decided that this year she was going to go mad and buy for everyone, that's her prerogative. I mean, what if she does the same thing next year? You won't know where you stand because it will look as if she's decided she now wants to give but there was no discussion.



You could save yourself the anticipated hassle and get more presents for her, but like I said, is this setting an unwanted precedent for years to come?

Suze

Agree with the above. This happened to me, the person who initially told me very forcefully it would be 'children only' from now on, stuck to it for that year only. A change in their circs the following year meant that they went back to buying for all of us and I have felt obliged to do same and regretted going back to it.

BTW- how do you know she has bought for you, did she tell you?

Lillibet_2

Spendless wrote:

BTW- how do you know she has bought for you, did she tell you?

She visited on saturday & has left the giftson a our dining room table!! I was gobsmacked when she brough them out, it should have been the ideal opportunity to say something there & then but I was just lost for words! I have rung her this evening but got her answerphone, didn't feel I could leave a message about the gifts, as apart from beign inappropriate to do it as a message I was informing her that our son has gone down with chicken pox & I hoped all her family has already had it!!
Hubby thinks we ought to reciprocte with a small something as there really wiill be a family row if we don't ; his side are prone to them! And then raise the matter again in he new year, and be much firmer about it this time. I thought we were pretty firm & clear last time although in fairness I don't recall her actually agreeing, maybe we just told her?:o It was our idea:p

Spendless

Lillibet wrote:

Hubby thinks we ought to reciprocte with a small something as there really wiill be a family row if we don't ; his side are prone to them! And then raise the matter again in he new year, and be much firmer about it this time. I thought we were pretty firm & clear last time although in fairness I don't recall her actually agreeing, maybe we just told her?:o It was our idea

aahh, my guess this is why she has bought then, she didn't like the idea. I have nothing against what the person in my family said, just the rather abrupt and rude manner in which they told me (and then chose to go back on what they'd said ).

Don't know then, which is worth it risk the row, or go along with hubbys idea and be extremely clear and firm but polite;) when saying no pressies in future

beanielou

Dont feel pressurised in to buying what you dont want to.
Only you know if its worth buying a small 'minder' for the whole family to save a row.
Families........

foxy-lady

Maybe she isn't expecting anything in return and just likes to buy presents?? I love buying presents for everyone...i remember everyones birthdays, anniversarys, pass driving test, new house, got divorced etc etc
I have even bought for people that i have never met (my friend is a twin so i bought her sister a pressie too)

I've been told its a Leo thing.

Accept them with thanks...if she was giving to receive then she wont be sending you any gifts next christmas.

My hubby used to say that i make people feel bad when i give them unexpected gifts.......but i genuinely dont mean to and dont expect anything back. :A

victory

be firm, stick to what was originally said otherwise what will happen next year and the year after that.....??!! xx

smallblueplanet

foxy-lady wrote:

...
Accept them with thanks...

Decide on what kind of thanks - give as you feel you want to.