A 13 year old loner

bluebells_2

Thanks for your replies

According to the info i have been given by his teachers today some say he seems happy others say not,

When DS came into the meeting at the end he does want some help but tbh i think he everyone left him alone to be in his own bubble he wouldnt mind that either.

I was a loner at school as well i prefered my own company to that of others and even now at the age of 41 do i still find it diffiult to communicate at times, i am quite shy and reserved and DS seems to be following the same way , You ask is he happy then yes i think he is to a point but he wants a friend ....

Pee

I was bullied at school. I was going to suggest another group - for me it was guides and I found mixing with children of different ages really helped. The older ones were nice to me and the younger ones looked up to me. At school I wouldn't talk to anyone - I really struggled - but at Guides I was fine.

I also found starting work, with adult women when I was 13/14 and onwards, was very positive. I just couldn't mix with people my own age very well.

Now of course it's fine because the problem is that kids are really cruel to one another - and in my opinion I acted like a victim and so encouraged that behaviour towards me. Once I learnt another way of behaviour, I became a lot less of a loner and a lot less lonely.

I would continue to look for groups where the emphasis is on doing something he would enjoy with just some gradual contact, preferably with people who don't go to his school and of different ages.

anxious_mum

Amanda65, I totally agree that the OP's son should be tested for aspergers. My son is 15 now, and he was diagnosed at the age of 5. He is an absolute loner, preferring to read or sit at his PC. He has never had any friends at school, and has never wanted any. He obsesses over things too, and loves things with little pieces to them, like bionicles and model making. He is loving and caring to his family circle, but is very aloof with strangers. He panics in a crowd, so much so that I stopped taking him anywhere crowded. Its only now he's older that I am starting to introduce him to noisy, crowded social occasions that he may find difficult, but only when I am there to help him and take him away if necessary.

He has been bullied constantly at school, the only thing that really helped him was having an older (non aspie) brother and his brother's friends who looked after him and kicked s**t out of anyone who was bothering him. All I can say OP, is if you know that this is his 'problem', and I use that word lightly, at least you can find a way to help him. Good luck, and if you need any more info of how I have coped with my son, feel free to PM me x x

TheEffect

I previously worked in a special needs department in a London Secondary School and am now training to be a teacher, so will give you my input.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like your son might be autistic as he shows signs such as hating loud noises, lots of people, prefers to work alone and doesn't like socializing.

Could you have a word with the SENco (special needs coordinator) and work out a plan to get him involved in something that he enjoys. Also possibly ask about seeing a educational psychologist to see if he has got autism or another underlying problem.

I worked with a boy who is now in year 10 who was diagnosed with autism. He had similar problems to your son and spent his break/lunch times in our free room where he'd quite happily browse YouTube. In the end, I started doing lunch duties and convinced him to come outside into the playground. It started off with him spending most of his time talking to me, but after a while, he did start to join in with some boys playing football.

It was great to see, but I didn't have anyone to talk to while on lunch duty anymore.

Pocketlady_2

zaksmum wrote: »

He does actually sound to me as if he has Aspergers or even mild autism. Has he ever been checked for this?

I thought the same too, this sounds like my nephew, he doesnt talk much, can't stand crowds and has an almost ocd with toys etc.

meritaten

Aspergers was my first thought too - he sounds just like my 12 year old grandson! except that grandson does have a good mate in class - another Aspie! they can go off and be alone together IYSWIM! grandson doesnt do well in noisy situations, but can cope in groups if they are quiet ones - so perhaps a creative writing group would suit him? or chess class perhaps? Aspies tend to like chess as it has all these rules to learn and is usually quiet and they can practice on their own against a computer (which seems to tickle them).
oh dear - I have your lad diagnosed and i shouldnt! it isnt just Aspies with these personality traits - some people are loners like this without any other signs of Aspergers or Autism - but it is worth getting him re-tested as you can then get much more help for him.
He sounds absolutely lovely - like my grandson and I wish him all the best. (just try not to force him into social situations because YOU feel it would be good for him!) he will find his own comfort level in time and it should be done gradually - like the poster who encouraged a child to come keep her company in the playground - that was very sensitively handled by her and well done to her!

bluebells_2

Thank you all so much for your input, it really is comforting to know that we are not alone in this

Ive spent no end of time in tears trying to help him , He is having inclusion support and this afternoon he has attended "The Hub" which is a special place kids with difficulties go to

For many years i have fought to get help and most of the time we got it but nothing ever seemed to be diagnosed or there was no additional funding (another reason we decided to move, he had the choice to move with no pressure at all) I need to read up on autism etc and see where we go from there

thanks to you allx

SKIPPY

My son was very much the same at school and had very few friends, even now he doesn't really have what I would call a very close friend. He started karate about 12 years ago which boosted his confidence ten fold, this is about the only thing he has stuck to over the years and this is were he has made some friends. I am sure with your support he will be fine but I know from my own experience it can be heartbreaking.

meritaten

bluebells - good luck hun! I would read up on Aspergers first - I suspect that most of the posters suggesting this have experience of Aspies and everything you said about your lad struck a chord. on Autistic sites you may well find that your child doesnt fit the criteria - and it could be that your lad may be ADHD so would look on there too. there seems to be a fine line between ADHD and Aspergers and it can be difficult to get a diagnosis as there seems to be so many symptoms. most psychologists use the Connors test I think. have a look and see how many boxes he ticks. but, I did say that some people are just naturally loners. there is nothing wrong with that! we are all different!

anxious_mum

Exactly, as Meritaten says, we are all different. I know its not always a good thing to 'label' someone, but when my son was diagnosed with aspergers lots of things fell into place for us. At least I knew he had a condition, and I went all out to find out all I could about it. But, at the end of the day, your boy sounds like a lovely lad (as is my son) and, with your help I'm sure he will be fine. If he does have aspergers its nothing to be ashamed of. Many of them have genius tendencies. Think Albert Einstein, Richard Branson, Hans Christian Anderson, Stephen Spielberg to name a few.......the list goes on!