A 13 year old loner

bluebells_2

Hello all i really need someone to talk to that doesnt know my son

heres the story, when my son first started school he was bullied and i had to change schools, things werent much better but were ok, i started to notice that he never spoke about anyone in school. In year 1 he was targetted by certain boys who made his life hell, the teacher was useless (and she was subsequently sacked) when he was doing his SAT's in Y2 someone finally listened to me and they were under the impression he was dyslexic but this has never been proved

In Junior school he was again taunted by these boys i complained and it stopped for a while, but resumed again, when he was in y6 my ex had an affair and left but we worked together to support the children even now this hasnt changed.

In high school his social skills were very poor and would not mix with any of the children and went to the "Safe Room" he loved this room but i was worried because he seemed to prefer to be there than mixing with other children, he just wants to be alone

In October we moved house to a better place and new schools, I have just come back from a meeting with Inlusion support within his new school and they are concerned that he doesnt mix and prefers to work alone , he loves writing stories and this he is starting to do in class which is very concerning

My son is a very lovable and sensitive lad he loves to be in his room writing or reading but im concerned that this maybe his comfort zone, he loves transformers and has lots which he carefully looks after its like an obsession the same as his notebooks

I dont want him to be a loner i want to help him, ive tried the usual clubs but he just goes for a couple of weeks and then looses interest

Ive also noticed that he panics in crowds and when things are too noisy

Any ideas anyone ?

zaksmum

Could you talk to some of the other mothers and perhaps invite some of the other kids in his class home or to the cinema with your son?

He does actually sound to me as if he has Aspergers or even mild autism. Has he ever been checked for this?

bluebells_2

I dont see any of the other parents we dont really know many round here as we have only just moved here

He has been tested for some things but apparantly he doesnt tick enough boxes to be catergorised

The school did say they were going to be looking into some testing but what they will be for i am unsure until i get the report back from the school

Amanda65

Not and expert but didn't want to read and run. I must admit my first thought was that the obsessive behaviour and apparent lack of social skills seems to point to Aspergers. Having been Chair of the SEN committee at our local Junior school for a while I know how difficult it can be to get children formally diagnosed and would first go and speak to your GP and see if he can get your son some help.

I would also say however that some children are just different and whilst the bullying etc. certainly cannot be left to contunie, not everyone can be a social bunny. You say you've tried groups etc but is there anything that your son would actually engage with? Is there for example a creative writing group, either at school or outside school, that he could join. He may find someone he shares a common interest with and buddy up with them.

I also wonder where your son is, age wise, in his school year? Sometimes the younger in the year find they just don't mature as quickly (DS had a friend who was still playing, quite happily, with toy cars in Yr 7 but which some of the other boys found very 'odd' and babyish. The problem in that this boys birthday is at the end of August so for a few extra days would have been a whole school year below).

Finally you say you and ex have tried to maintain good contact for the children so assume this DS is not your only child? How are the other children? Where is DS in the line-up and do they find his behaviour challenging?

flippin36

I would certainly mention autism to teachers, failing that GP's are pretty understanding regarding AS. Educational psychologists are worth their weight in gold, in my experience, at spotting signs. It could be nothing but much can be done to make life easier for him if this is the case.

Regarding sound, my son improved in leaps and bounds with crowds when we use ear defenders. I understand a teenager may not want to wear them but you can buy very discreet little ear plugs to help. Good luck.

gingin_2

Is he happy, or would he prefer his situation to change?

zaksmum

bluebells wrote: »

I dont see any of the other parents we dont really know many round here as we have only just moved here

He has been tested for some things but apparantly he doesnt tick enough boxes to be catergorised

The school did say they were going to be looking into some testing but what they will be for i am unsure until i get the report back from the school

My nephews were exactly the same as you describe your son.

My sister pushed for answers and eventually got both the boys assessed for Aspergers, which was confirmed.

A statement of special needs was issued and a social worker allocated to the family.

The boys were offered places in special needs education, or my sister could leave them in mainstream.

She decided on the special needs place and it truly was the best decision she's made.

The boys thrived in an environment where they weren't seen as different and completed their education to a reasonable standard. One boy now has a full time job.

If your boy is struggling I believe you can ask the school to arrange a meeting with an educational psychologist who will be able to assess your son and hopefully make his life easier.

Good luck.

bluebells_2

Amanda65 wrote: »

Not and expert but didn't want to read and run. I must admit my first thought was that the obsessive behaviour and apparent lack of social skills seems to point to Aspergers. Having been Chair of the SEN committee at our local Junior school for a while I know how difficult it can be to get children formally diagnosed and would first go and speak to your GP and see if he can get your son some help.

I would also say however that some children are just different and whilst the bullying etc. certainly cannot be left to contunie, not everyone can be a social bunny. You say you've tried groups etc but is there anything that your son would actually engage with? Is there for example a creative writing group, either at school or outside school, that he could join. He may find someone he shares a common interest with and buddy up with them. I have tried and enquired at school and they are looking into other areas of support

I also wonder where your son is, age wise, in his school year? Sometimes the younger in the year find they just don't mature as quickly (DS had a friend who was still playing, quite happily, with toy cars in Yr 7 but which some of the other boys found very 'odd' and babyish. The problem in that this boys birthday is at the end of August so for a few extra days would have been a whole school year below).Hes an October boy so one of the eldest he isnt very mature for his age, doesnt like sports just loves his Sci Fi but especially Transformers , he will talk openly at times to me, I wonder whether the break up of our marriage actually did more harm for him than he ever let on ?


Finally you say you and ex have tried to maintain good contact for the children so assume this DS is not your only child? How are the other children? Where is DS in the line-up and do they find his behaviour challenging?

He is the eldest of 2 my daughter is 10 and she is the complete opposite very outgoing and chatty

They are both very sensitive kids who have been throuygh a lot but i have always said they can talk to me about anything and they do most of the time

GEEGEE8

gingin wrote: »

Is he happy, or would he prefer his situation to change?

This is what I was thinking.

Not an attack at all to the OP but I was a bit of a loner, and still go through stages now where I am sociable for a bit, and then nothing.. I just can't be bothered to interact with other people.

I don't think I have anything 'wrong' with me though.

I also used to try various different things and then give up after a while.

Maybe he is just fussy and hasn't found his place in life yet.

Embrace the fact that he loves reading and writing, and takes great care over his toys. Even if he does have autism or asperger's, he sounds like a lovely kid and maybe you could concentrate on the things he is good at and enjoys.

Would he like hobbies that he can do on his own? mountainbike, swimming etc?

One of my hobbies is snowboarding/skiing. I love it because I can socialise without all the pressure as it's still something you do on your own, mixed in with a bit of chatting now and then.

GEEGEE8

My parents split when I was 12, and I would say that this was the time where I became a bit withdrawn too. I didn't want to go into town shopping with friends and just wanted to stay at home in my comfort zone.

ekkygirl

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

This is what I was thinking.

Not an attack at all to the OP but I was a bit of a loner, and still go through stages now where I am sociable for a bit, and then nothing.. I just can't be bothered to interact with other people.

I don't think I have anything 'wrong' with me though.

I also used to try various different things and then give up after a while.

Maybe he is just fussy and hasn't found his place in life yet.

Embrace the fact that he loves reading and writing, and takes great care over his toys. Even if he does have autism or asperger's, he sounds like a lovely kid and maybe you could concentrate on the things he is good at and enjoys.

Would he like hobbies that he can do on his own? mountainbike, swimming etc?

One of my hobbies is snowboarding/skiing. I love it because I can socialise without all the pressure as it's still something you do on your own, mixed in with a bit of chatting now and then.

That was exactly my thoughts but gave up trying not to offend the OP by replying. I am a loner at times and not others.