help with 4 year old daughter pls

Bella79

Hi all

My dd is 4 and has always been excellent for bed, however last few weeks have been a nightmare with her and im at my wits end.

I use naughty step during the day, but this wouldnt be pracitcal on a nightime, i put her to bed as normal usual routine however then she starts screaming, (ive always half pulled the door closed) "the door is too far open" so i close it then its "its too far closed" this goes on and on if i jst leave her she screams the house down, to the point she makes herself sick, then i have all the bed to strip !

I just dont know what to do, it doesnt matter how much im firm nothings working so evernight its a 3 hr deal.

Any ideas ?

FBaby

When my boy went through a similar stage (although a bit younger), I started by being strict, but he seemed to get more and more upset, so I made a deal with him that if he went to bed nicely without delay, I would sit by the door in his bedroom. If he started talking, I would go though. That was enough to reassure him. At the beginning, I waited until he fell asleep (between 10-15 minutes) and gradually left earlier and earlier. It worked for us.

andrealm

Has anything happened recently to upset her or make her unsettled?
Could she be afraid of the dark, or have been having nightmares?
If you do stay with her, will she go to sleep quite quickly?

meritaten

she is four and you say she has always been 'excellent' at bedtime? whats changed in the last few weeks? one thing that springs to mind is school. is she enjoying it? or becoming anxious about it? or it could be something as simple as a programme she watches which plays on her mind at bedtime. hun, you mention the naughty step but this behaviour isnt being naughty - it sounds like fear to me.......and you need to get to the bottom of it. she may be afraid to go to sleep (has someone died and some idiot has said they have gone to sleep?) the only way to find out is to ask her. preferably not in her bedroom or when she is about to go to bed - but when she is snuggled up to you in daylight and you can ask why she doesnt like going to bed anymore. then listen to her answer!

faithcecilia

Short term, what about putting a few layers of sheets etc on her bed, so that when she makes herself sick you can just whip one off and leave her again in seconds rather than it being a fuss? Not perfect but will reduce the reward (of attention) she gets.

The little boy I look after is usually good at bedtime and gets stories and lots of cuddles etc from his mum. On the odd occasions he plays up and I help out its more a case of 'there you go, night night, see you tomorrow' with a quick kiss but no stories etc.

Just a thought, but what about starting bedtime a little earlier, so it can be more drawn out (and so she feels she is getting more attention) but the 'real' bedtime is when you want it to be? And hard though it is, don't let her see that it is winding you up - again, she wants the attention and a telling off may seem preferable to no attention in her mind.

Good luck! I think all kids do this at one time or another, certainly all the ones I have ever cared for.

Bella79

no nothings happened, and i really dont want to get into the habit of staying with her till shes asleep, I dont think she really cares about the door i think its more for attention, i said to her earlier "be a good girl no screaming over the silly door" and she said " yes i will mummy" ?

mharzuk

Bella79 wrote: »

Hi all

My dd is 4 and has always been excellent for bed, however last few weeks have been a nightmare with her and im at my wits end.

I use naughty step during the day, but this wouldnt be pracitcal on a nightime, i put her to bed as normal usual routine however then she starts screaming, (ive always half pulled the door closed) "the door is too far open" so i close it then its "its too far closed" this goes on and on if i jst leave her she screams the house down, to the point she makes herself sick, then i have all the bed to strip !

I just dont know what to do, it doesnt matter how much im firm nothings working so evernight its a 3 hr deal.

Any ideas ?

When you put her to bed can't you ask her to "take charge" of the door? If she gets to decide how open/closed it is then she has some control over the situation so she can't complain as long as she is aware it will stay whereever she leaves it.

I found with my DD that at this age she was looking for some control over her life so I let her make the decisions and she calmed down. My thoughts were to remove the problem rather than look for a solution.

Of course they then find another problem but at least they are learning how to take control and negotiate, even at such a young age. HTH

Bella79

i have asked her about it and she said " i just dont like how u put the door" so i said to her tonight " you close the door to where u like it then get in bed" so she did this , but as soon as she got in bed she was saying "oh its not right" etc kicking her legs screaming

themull1

Tell her to put it right again, and just keep doing that, or take the door off completely. She hasn't seen Monsters Inc has she?

mharzuk

Bella79 wrote: »

i have asked her about it and she said " i just dont like how u put the door" so i said to her tonight " you close the door to where u like it then get in bed" so she did this , but as soon as she got in bed she was saying "oh its not right" etc kicking her legs screaming

Stay strong Bella.

You know its not about the door, its about the negotiation. Be firm in setting the terms, she makes the decision and needs to be aware that the decision is final. After this you may need to show her once or twice that you are serious she needs to live with whatever she has decided so she needs to put some thought into it before getting into bed.

Tomorrow night I bet it will be something else.

I started asking my DD to go up 5 minutes early and "arrange" her room then I would come up and read her a story. She soon got fed up with all the extra work she had to do before she got her story but she had proved her point and was no longer frustrated.

meritaten

I am probably going to get jumped on here but will say it anyway. its not about the door its about a 4 year being afraid. I dont think its a control issue. she is so scared she is sick! something is scaring her and you need to find out what it is. it may be something you think is really trivial and she suspects this.
she may have told you and you have dismissed it as nonsense - such as monsters under the bed. one of my kids was plagued by demons under the bed at about 5 or 6 - so I worked an elaborate spell to keep them away - meant nothing to me but son was reassured and slept better.