How do you cope as a separated parent? emotionally and financially

nannon

Sorry guys, this is a long post.. taken a bit of courage to do this.. so go gentle on me

I'm a separated mother.. My DS is 4.5 and lives with my ex OH as a result of a residency order last February. Ex and I lived together post-separation for a bit for sake of DS (bad move)and things got nasty. Ex threatend me with DS on regular occaisions (he got a little obsessive about DS in my book). So with the help of my work and family.. on the hush hush I did a runner (not produ of it but when you're told you will be hunted if you take your kid and that you're a bad mum.. you get scared). Within 3 days of me and DS going, ex filed residency order request. 3 months later, despite all the evidence about the mental and emotional abuse I had suffered as a result of break up, the court awarded ex residency . The decision was based on the fact that I had been a working mum since DS was tiny as I was the breadwinner, ex MIL had played a massive part in DS life and they thought DS was best placed with ex and his mum. They said the abuse evidence was only as a result of the breakup (?!) I'm not a bad mum, criminal, druggie or otherwise..I'm a hardworking person in a good job and I have good friends and family... and I still lost my kid.
I have DS alternate weekends and I see him every wednesday night for an hour.. so I can put him to bed and read him stories. I speak to him twice a day (DS instigated these calls which is a good sign).
I feel like I'm being pushed out. I don't always get told about things going on at DS school which annoys me and only recently found out that ex had changed 2nd contact for next of kin purposes from me to ex MIL! I get told very last minute about school plays and parents evenings..which makes me look bad when I can't get time off work.. The school have my email address and yet I have had nothing off them like they promised (5 times I've been to school about it and no result).

I have a large joint debt (which sadly is in my name..because I'm an idiot and took it out despite him spending the money.. ah well lesson learned) and pay child maintenance of 14% of my net earnings. I instigated this through CSA as ex wanted 25% :eek: through a private arrangement. Combined, those alone eat into my (okish) salary/ I am paying my bills and I am able to eat, but doesn't leave a lot of "fun money". I have managed to treat myself this month because family gave me cash for christmas as most of my money naturally goes on DS. Also.. Ex can be a bit of a git when it comes to some financial things like kids parites DS gets invited to.. If it falls on my weekend (which for some reason it usually does) I have to buy the present to take to the party. This eats into the little money I have allocated for the weekends to spend with DS. Other separated parents I know say their ex buys the present because they get maintenance to the child and generally that sort of thing can be covered. However I darent really argue with ex as DS has been used as a weapon by him and I know contact will be at risk.
Also DS birthday not until July but he really wants a party so I thought I'd better get planning.. I have spoken to ex as personally I think DS deserves a party because of everything he's gone through. Ex agreed but then said if I want to do a party I have to pay for it all myself (bearing in mind he will happily come and lord over the whole bloomin thing and make no effort to help).. So I'm going to have to save for that over the next few months and do what I can.

All of these things worry me. I am keeping myself afloat with bills and food etc. I am cutting out coupons and getting all the BOGOFs and specials I can (I even go to Asda once a week when they're doing the mark-downs to save money). I do cross stitch as my hobby.. I dont buy books, instead I go to the library and friends lend me books they've finished with.

I'm just wondering if there is more I can do with my DS?
I spend weekends with DS playing indoors and try to limit tv.. I do want to get him out more but budget is limited. He's a little small for museums all the time.. plus he likes to be noisy LOL! The park is great but I think kids need a bit of variety.. don't want him getting bored and not wanting to come and stay with me
I want to be a really good mum and want him to enjoy his time with me.

My bf is great. He has 2 kids from previous relationship, we don't live together as I live up north to be near my kid and he lives south to be near his for the timebeing.. He does advise me on how I can handle some situations but he does it from a "dad" persepctive and his kids are quite a bit older than my lad. He has a little more disposable income than me and can therefore afford to "do" more with his kids so sometimes his ideas aren't possible. He can be conscious I dont have much money as we tend to do a lot of cheap things when we see eachother or we plan a few things and save up for them..and we don't go on holidays at all!


ANY (helpful) advice is more than welcome.

Sorry for such a long post! Just this past year has been a bit rubbish and I don't think I'm doing that great tbh. could do with some reassurance and guidance from people that really understand on all aspects..financial,practical and emotional.

Thanks in advance xx

Newly_retired

Sounds as though you are managing well with your situation.
When I look after my grandchildren in the holidays I find loads of free events are organised - by the council, in libraries, churches, parks etc so keep your eyes open for such freebies.

paddy's_mum

Perhaps you can take a little comfort from the fact that nearly all children get to an age where they defy or evade the parent with whom they live and very determinedly and independently seek out the maligned parent.

ford_prefect_3

Welcome to the world of being an NRP, its crap isnt it?

ok, a couple of things you can do which will help.

1: The school, regardless of the RO you have parental responsibility and the school needs to send equal materials at the same time to you as they do to the father, this includes notice of school plays, parents evenings, school trips etc etc. Its worth making friends with the school secretary and communicating directly with them. I have an excellent relationship with my daughters school despite the best efforts of my ex wife.

2: The change of point of contact is not lawful, again regardless of the residency order you still have PR so all three parties should be listed.

3: CSA - I guess your on version 3 called CMEC but if your on CSA 2 calculation then alternate weekends would make your assessment 5/7ths of 15%. The CSA are notoriously bad with figures so make sure they have included bits like your pension contributions etc before they get to an assessable figure.

4: What is the debt for? If its for something from the relationship for which you dont benefit like a new kitchen it may qualify for a CSA variation. If not can you not re manage the debt with the debt company or get a better deal elsewhere?

Kids that age love museums, castles, parks, I cant keep my kids away from the London Museums, if you have options ask him what he wants to do from those options.

tattycath

In my experience nrp funds presents when a party is taking place during access (as well as paying maintenance)-not all cases I know, but you are not alone in this.
Also as paddy's mum said:

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Perhaps you can take a little comfort from the fact that nearly all children get to an age where they defy or evade the parent with whom they live and very determinedly and independently seek out the maligned parent.

(((hugs)))

pupsicola

Im so sorry for the situation you are in. Im amazed that the ro was given to your ex considering you suffered abuse and violence. I left an abusive relationship myself 4 years ago.

Do speak again with your childs school. Ask for an appointment to speak with the head. You have parental responsibilty for your son so your ex shouldn't be able to take your details off the schools system. Ask to have it reinstated on their records and tell them you want a seperate copy of all things related to your child to be sent to you. They can notify you with plenty of warning of any events coming up.

As for things to do with your son, he will just love being with you. We are lucky to live near the coast so most weekends (weather permitting) are spent down by the sea, or at parks, cycle rides.

I think it is off of your ex to expect you to fork out for the presents for your sons school friends. As you say he gets cm and that sort of thing should be covered from this. Even if you took it in turns it would be fairer.

Your ex doesn't sound like a very nice or reasonable individual so I would pick your arguments carefully. Start to show him though that you wont be walked over or he will make your life a misery for years to come.

donteatthat

I really feel for you, you sound very low (unsuprisingly) . I can only speak from the second hand experiences of my bf, and know he found it tough when his marriage fell apart as he wanted to be able to see his kids everyday. He is lucky as his ex was pretty reasonable but it sounds as though your ex is not. I can't really offer any advice other than to say sons love their Mummy's take solace from that as I'm sure when he's poorly he is telling Daddy he wants his Mummy. Look into your rights re: the school and parental responsibility and stay strong x

nannon

Newly_retired wrote: »

Sounds as though you are managing well with your situation.
When I look after my grandchildren in the holidays I find loads of free events are organised - by the council, in libraries, churches, parks etc so keep your eyes open for such freebies.

Thanks very much. That's a good idea.. I do try and scour net. I will start popping into places to see what's on.

ford_prefect wrote: »

Welcome to the world of being an NRP, its crap isnt it?

Yeah it is. Hard from doing everything ona daily basis to virtually nothing. Thanks for the points.. I really appreciate it.
1. I'm going to make an appointment with the class teacher and head.
2.That's what I thought and I will bring that up at school too. Already given ex piece of my mind
3. I presume I'm on CMEC.. the new one that is - A family friend helpled me as he acutally works for CSA and guided me through the process. He said they aren't great and yet he works for them LOL. All things have been taken into consideration.
4.I'm handling debt ok, its just lack of disposable income. I am working hard this year to reduce more of it. Loan company have been good and exteneded terms to reduce payments (but therefore increasing interest!) so I was able to save a few more ££ a month.

Great ideas.. thanks so much.

tattycath wrote: »

In my experience nrp funds presents when a party is taking place during access (as well as paying maintenance)-not all cases I know, but you are not alone in this.

pupsicola wrote: »

I think it is off of your ex to expect you to fork out for the presents for your sons school friends. As you say he gets cm and that sort of thing should be covered from this. Even if you took it in turns it would be fairer.

Thanks for those thoughts. I'll start trawling cheap shops to keep some "emergency" presents in then.. Alternating is a good idea.

donteatthat wrote: »

I can't really offer any advice other than to say sons love their Mummy's take solace from that as I'm sure when he's poorly he is telling Daddy he wants his Mummy. Look into your rights re: the school and parental responsibility and stay strong x

Sounds silly but I hope he does whine he wants me.. don't want him being sad and upset.. selfishly I want to be wanted by my kid but guess it's just natural.

Appreciating everyone's advice.. really helping me understand what direction to take. Thanks x



Edit: N.B not very bothered about CSA stuff as it was me who wanted it that way so that ex can't screw me. I'd NEVER deny my kid money or anything he needs but the amount I pay each month is far more than it cost me to feed/clothe/house my DS on a daily basis!

pupsicola

Asda are fab for really nice but reasonably priced pressies. Card factory are also great for cards/wrapping etc. It was getting ridiculously expensive for my 2 kids and the school friends pressies too so can sympathise with you.

ford_prefect_3

On the subject of presents you will be amazed what you can find in charity shops for insanely low prices.

Also getting your son to make a card can be fun (but messy) and works well as both an activity and a money saver.

And there is of course the online tat bazaar that is ebay!

Loopy_Girl

ford_prefect wrote: »

3: CSA - I guess your on version 3 called CMEC

The new rulings have not been implemented yet....