Advice please-dodgy husband alert

whybotheranymore

Please be gentle with me i'm brand new and a bit scared. This is not entirely about saving moner although it is a large part.I live with my husband and we are currently paying a large debt. We owe over £7,500 to three credit cards, an overdraft and the remainder of husbands student loan. We initially owed £12,475 but by doing things that I would never have thought that i'd be able to do- selling my car and downgrading my husbands car,selling a lot on ebay and stopping sky we have managed to get things to a more managable state.Iwork full time and also work in a bar three nights a week. I also advertise babysitting and even though the work is patchy its a bit extra.Anyway on to the reason that i regersered and have posted. im up late as i had some stuff due to end on ebay(that i was selling) and wanted to see how they did anyway i nudged the bar thing at hte top and the icon that said history came down showing that my husband has been up to his old tricks.He has been visiting dodgy internet sites not !!!!!! but stuff like wrestling.i feel so sick i found him out last year-we were looking for details of something when the internet exploreb thing flipped down and hey presto what do you know. He was extremely embarrased and upset and promised never to do this again. but here we are just about 12months on and its happening all over again.maybe its never stopped. I had friday off and spent it doing two mystery shops then a lunchtime shift at the bar,came home and listed more stuff on ebay.On sat i worked the afternoon helping with a wedding at the pub then did my regular sat evening shift. I felt so good i got £8.20 in tips and the landlady gave me an extra £20 for helping her out in the day yesterday. And all the time i'm working my guts out my husband who has a job-but only one though was oggling vids of other women.When i press the history icon i can only get two days info how do i increase that please? I NEED to know if this is a one off or if i'm a total fool.Also the thing that used to drop down no longer does again ideas please. Ive got £325 sitting here that i've earned this month over and above everything else-regular wages.I honestly dont know if i should hold on to it in case i need to leave or get some more of the debt reduced.Do you think i'm overreacting or di i have a point?i just dont know anymore.i'd worked out that given a bit of luck we would be debt free by Sep of next year at the latest., but it somehow doesn't seem that important now. He is a loving and i thought, pretty devoted husband but i just dont know. thank you for listning and please give me your advice.

Melly31

I have a very similar situation, yet this isn't while i'm working my !!!! off, its while i'm in bed asleep (ALONE!) night after night.
The thing is i'm really not a prude, & as much as i personally dislike !!!!!! etc i understand that others do like it.
But i feel that !!!!!! is for young boys, single blokes, old blokes & blokes who ain't/can't get it anywhere else!
My hubby though, obviously prefers sitting downstairs looking at !!!!!! rather than coming upstairs where i am in the bed!
So what is it? Well i wish i new, but i can assure you that i am by no means an unattractive/fat/repulsive woman, i don't turn my hubby down without real reasons.
Maybe after 13yrs together we're just good friends?
But anyway i'm droning on about my problems now, sorry.
Your not the only 1 though, & yes they do get wise to deleting there history etc, as for changing the number of days your history is kept for, go to Tools at the top of your internet page, select 'internet options' at the bottom of the list, & it should be on the 1st page towards the bottom marked 'days to keep pages in history' mines set to 2 weeks.
I know money is a bit tight for you right now, but if you can spare about £14, download 'In The Know'
http://www.itksoft.com/DownLoad.asp?WebSrc=Local
Its a 1 off payment & your hubby'll never know its there ;-)
Anyway keep your chin up, hope i've helped, feel free to contact me if you wanna chat.

Mel.

seaside_sid

albertross wrote:

I would imagine that most long term relationships up and down the country are exactly the same, but I'm no expert!

We all have our secrets, I spent years looking at debt help sites then deleting them from my history incase OH found out.

Don't spy on your hubby try talking to him about it, tell him how much it is upsetting you.

Being in debt can put a huge strain on relationships, focusing on the negative things will slowly eat you up.

tru

He has been visiting dodgy internet sites not !!!!!! but stuff like wrestling

I assume you don't actually mean wrestling as in WWE, but very very soft !!!!!!

I wouldn't worry about it, loads of people have a peek at that. Men are very driven by their hormones - sorry guys, but you are :rolleyes:

Don't spy on him - you'll end up obsessed and will spend every spare minute going through the PC trying to find what he's looked at.

If it were me, I'd find a site similar to the ones he's looked at and open it up in front of him, then say in a jokey way "I just don't get it, I know men like it but I JUST DON'T GET IT, what's so great about that? Can't see how that gets anyone in the mood, it does nothing for me at all"

I'll tell you this, he's NOT comparing you to anyone else

Dumyat

to be honest I wouldn't worry about my husband looking at dodgy sites. I don't think he will run off with any of them. Its a "man thing". I would be worried if it was dating sites.
is this is more about you working all these jobs and he's sitting at home doing stuff he wants to do?

immoral_angeluk

I don't know a single man that hasn't, at some point, looked at !!!!!!. It's hard to say not to worry about it but honestly, what you've found is better than finding out he's been cheating in real life or looking at something far worse on the net like child !!!!!! or something like that! Personally I would sit down and have a chat with him as it could be something as simple as because you've been so busy working he hasn't felt he's been getting enough 'attention' and has had to meet his needs by looking at some soft !!!!!!. I'm sure you can work it out you both just need to be open and honest with each other.

MCBIRNIE25

My initial thought was overeaction.
Softcore !!!!!!/wrestling whatever it was is nothing to feel threatened by.
For most blokes it's just a release for a few minutes from a normal mundane world.
To put things in to perspective :-
1) You're the pperson he comes home to every night-so must obviously love.
2) He isn't having an affair.
3) These websites are on a par with various mens glossies, including FHM and Maxim, which are sold as lifestyle mags.

The same argument could be used for buying a newspaper to have a glimpse of the page 3 girl. Every man does it.
It doesn't mean he loves you any less. I promise.
Sit him down and talk to him about it. He probably hasn't realised he has upset you over it. Plus, it's very easy to wipe all the history of a computer, so hubby clearly hasn't tried covering his tracks to hard.
I wouldn't go around snooping or installing anything on your computer, this is then akin to lying to your hubby.
Hope it resolves however you wish it to.

Regards,
Me.

Rachie_B

I agree i think *most* if not all men do it

and its the fact they hide it not the fact they are doing that hurts the most ?

talk to him dont spy on him

((hugs))

rjm2k1

I think this is a troll, given the 1 post, however ..

If I were your husband, you would have your own logon to that computer so you couldn't spy on me. How about some trust? Does he checkup on what you do in your private time?

Dave_liverpool

when we were at our highest debt amount we both took on extra hours, it was more or less equal. We both work fulltime but my hours are shift so on odd weeks it can feel like we never saw each other BUT we left notes to say Hi, fed the cat and the debt has reduced to £XXXXX, love you.

Our debt was a 2 person problem, a 2 person solution to us. Visiting a !!!!!! sight once in a while is not a marriage problem, its a lack of trust problem. Your building all your problems with him (not contributing any extra) into its all the webs fault, he does need tackling but to conquor what is the worst problem.

pudding06

I wonder if the real problem is the viewing of the wrestling - ie you see it as a threat to you or
the real problem is that you are slogging your guts out to pay off debts and he's - well - not?

I would agree that I wouldnt be happy with him paying to view wrestling, or doing it when he could be with me;) but I think you need to talk so him rationally about it. He has his side and you have yours and perhaps both of you need to try to understand each other.

Try not to accuse, just explain how you feel about it calmly, (dont let him interuppt you) then give him a chance to have his say ( without interrupting!!!)

Personally I dont think spying on your OH is good for your relationship. Even the most laid back people would be outraged to discover that their partner was checking up on them! especially me:eek:

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck


pudds