My son's tantrums since divorce

parley

Hi, I'm at my wits end with my son. When he doesn't get his own way or doesn't like what I say he will go into a tantrum by shouting at top of his voice, he goes on and on and on, swearing at me and throwing things at me.

Best give some background info on this, his dad and I seperated 3 years ago and now divorced but my son has changed. It didn't help that my ex encouraged him to play up for me and then when my son rings him and says we've had an arguement, my ex would see him. Other than that he wouldn't see hem. He also used to tell my son that it was my fault for the family breaking up. Well he hasn't seen him for 18 months now, but the tantrums are still going on and they are getting to be twice or three times a week. They can last for hours. He will listen to nothing when he's like this, but when he calms down, he knows he's done wrong but doesn't seem to learn from them. He seem to make excuses for his behaviour when he is having a tantrum, blaming me or anything else for it.

I've done everything, grounded him, taken his PS2 away, even fined him, as he loves money but nothing works. He is 10 and I cannot carry him to his room to have time out.

He is the most lovable boy you could ever meet when he is not in this tantrum but he is like a total stranger when he is having them.

Please help, any advice is greatly received. I don't have any family help. I haven't been on a night out for over 3 years. I love my son but I need to help him and myself.

hobo28

Hi Parley

Sounds to me like he could be testing your love. If his dad hasn't seen him for 18 months then he could be wondering what he's done wrong and when you'll stop seeing him too. Or perhaps he thinks if he causes arguments with you then his dad will be back!?!?!

The only thing I can think of is spend as much positive time with him as possible, doing things and praising him. Reassure him that you'll never ever leave him or quit on him.

Its just a guess, I could be well wide of the mark.

Queenie

((poor lad))

He sounds (justifiably) confused and upset! He's only 10yrs old and already he's had to deal with sooooo much! Daddy leaves when he 7yrs old; only got to see him when he threw a tantrum; now, for whatever reason, he's not seen Daddy for 18mths not matter how many tantrums he throws!

No wonder he's feeling angry, frustrated, insecure, possible even feeling guilty for feeling so angry towards the two people he loves most in the whole wide world. And on top of all of that, he's also .... *grieving*. I think I would be too

((poor mum))

As if being a single parent isn't hard enough, without adding to that no family support and no social life!!!

I know you used the term "excuses" but, in my perception, he's actually giving you - in his 10yo, mixed up way - his "reasons". If they are dismissed as excuses, you're losing a great opportunity to help him explore and explain his mixed up emotions in a safe way.

I totally agree you two need to sit and have a big fat cuddle and a chat. But, personally, I think the most pressing issue is to not deny his emotions, or the strength of them, but to teach him how to deal with those emotions in a constructive way. Give him the tools, the advice and techniques to express his anger, frustration, and emotional pain in a way that is safe and appropriate, so he can work through them.

I understand why you are grounding him and taking his PS2 away and his money ... but I think you might be shooting yourself in the foot. It will only *add* to his feelings of anger and frustration with the world. Might be better to use those as "rewards" for those times when he does express negative emotions appropriately.

At 10yo he's also going to be facing another big change in his world - that of making the transition from Primary to Secondary school in less than 12mths. You may need to bear that in mind as part of the mixing pot that he's going through.

You might want to contact your GP to discuss his behaviour or, if you're not comfortable with that, have a look at the Parentline website.

Wishing you the best of luck ((hugs))

Becles

Have you tried the "grown up" tactic? This works on my nearly 10 year old!

If he has a tantrum, I remind him he's nearly a teenager and while I'm prepared to discuss things in an adult manner, I haven't got time for him if he's going to behave like a toddler. Then I ignore him completely.

He normally snaps out of it quick quickily and we have a reasoned discussion about whatever he's frustrated about.

fsdss

queenie is absolutly spot on!

i actually think his behaviour is quite normal for a child when he's been through so much, in fact i would have expected worse.

do the tantrums have a common reason?

theres a compromise here with your child.

when things are calm, sit and talk or get a friend to be mediator. write down all your likes and dislikes, create a behaviour contract (usually on supernanny they have an example) ,and like queenie states encourage the positives

hope this helps

victory

Queenie says it so well, kids get confused and instead of being able to calmly sit down and say this and that is bothering me, they explode, become naughty, start shouting and all the negative vibes they bring out makes for a negative atmosphere and less ability to get to the bottom of it.
Why not do what the counsellors do? Get him to draw how he feels, write a poem about it, or if he cannot manage that a little note, ask what colour he feels, what he would like to happen.
Go out for a fun day, I know in his state you may consider that a horrendous experience and would rather avoid, but it is bonding and try desperately to ignore his mood and inject some fun into the day.
Do something he loves and only him, show thought and love into the day and he will know you have done it for him and tried your hardest.
I agree with the secondary distress, my son went through that and he went into himself some days and screamed and misbehaved others, when we got to the bottom of it, it was the nerves, fear of the unknown, would he have to take exams? etc when he was sat down and explained he felt immensely better and settled down. xxx

parley

Thanks you all for your advice, I will try some of the things suggested.

mae

Also maybe it would be a good idea for him to get an interest/hobby. If we enjoy doing something, feel part of something and are good at something it builds are confidence and self esteem and maybe his dad has knocked some of that self esteem out of him. Maybe karate, drama, dancing, boxing, football clubs. Good luck he's very lucky to have a mum who is so concerned and willing to find ways of helping him and solving the problem you should be proud of yourself.

Jet

Hi there,

I'm a single parent with an 8 year old who can sometimes try the patience of a saint. :rolleyes:

His Dad is very hit and miss and as I have no family, my son tests me because he has no family network and as such, doesn't feel part of a support group.

What works for me is gritting my teeth, being positive, trying to ignore the bad behaviour and really being over the top with the praise for the good behaviour.

Do try and make some time for yourself though. A happy Mum will be a better Mum.:T

I do understand how hard it is and if you would like to PM me, please do, I would love to hear from you.

Only last night at a fireworks party, someone asked me where I went on Friday night. I looked at her blankly and said "nowhere", she replied that it was Friday night and everyone goes out on a Friday night! Sometimes it would be nice if people could understand my life. :rolleyes:

Dumyat

maybe without realising you are rewarding him in some way for behaving like that. tantrums are hard to deal with at any age. he has had a hard time but so have you. I wish you all the best.

parley

Just found this site and it has some helpful information.

http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/9_13/PRE_HTP.ASP

Thank you all again. Every adivice is helpful