School Dilemma

welshnoonoo

Our middle child is very sporty and is also very talented and we were advised of the fact that a local private school offers bursaries to such children.

Now, I went to state school, but I have been brought up around private schools as my parents worked in the them, but my dh and I are not flush enough to send our children to private schools. But we felt we owed it to him to give him the opportunity to try for this bursary so he went along to a taster day and absolutely loved it.

My dilemma is that even with a bursary we will have to find a few quid per year, but if he were to be offered a place, I would feel I had let him down if I didn't do something about trying to get that money together.

But we are not talking one year, we are talking a few years commitment - I really want him to have the best opportunity he can, but I am so worried that we may have to say "No" because of finance.

Just wanted to share this really - if anyone has been through something similar I'd love to hear how you dealt with it.

pboae

Aside from the money to top up the bursary, can you afford the rest of it? Uniforms, school trips, etc. What's the atmosphere like at the school, will he get bullied for being the 'scholarship kid'? Will he be able to keep up with the other kids financially, i.e. wear similar clothes, have similar hobbies, holidadys, birthday parties etc.

I'm not expressing this very well, but the other kids at that school will be his friends. If he is always going to be the odd one out because he is distinctly less well off than them, it could be setting him up for a rough ride.

My sister was in a similar position with my niece, in the end she didn't let her sit the exam for the bursary. She felt that she would never be able to keep up with the other parents, and her daughter would be left feeling embarrased or ashamed of her family.

*But* that was for an extremely posh and expensive school, and girls can be a lot crueler than boys. Only you can know how big the difference is between your lifestyle and the typical lifestyle of the other kids there. Not all private schools have such a big difference, in many the other parents there will be on typical-ish wages but making big sacrifices to send their kids there. But if he is going to be the only one who doesn't have a cook and a pony, it's a different situation.

cheepskate_2

i would say there is other options if you want to make the effort ( ie taking him to all events ) , It would be different if it was a educationaly bursary, but there are so many very good sports clubs out there that he should have the same opportunities as the bursary,
not too sure how many of the sportsmen in the top rankings came from fee paying schools, would assume the school should not make that much difference .

funky-footprints

I went to private school, I was totally abandoned by the girls i went to primary school with ..got used to be beging called a snob ...a slag (hello i was 11?) etc etc. I was lucky i had brothers who always backed me up and they became my best friends 'out' of school. My best girlfriend used to have a nightmare journey to and from school on the service bus .. bullied by the comp kids. In the end a group of our parents set up a private mini bus ..at extra cost to themselves as the bullying was getting so upsetting.

as a previous poster said girls are crueler than boys and i would only send a right minded child in these circumstances. I didnt encounter any bullying in school .. and my folks were not loaded, i know they sacrificed to give me a better chance and there were a lot in my class in the same boat ..... there were a few stuck up madams, but i never bothered with them, they had no personalities and i guess i was strong enough to know that as were my friends. (I did have a pony tho .. and many of the rich girlies didnt as mummy didnt want to be seen with a muck fork in her manicured hands....... lol)


My brothers were not at all jealous that i was given the opportunity they wernt, how would your other children feel of the opportunities he would be getting.

My cousin is in a similar boat, he sent only his first child private and the other 2 to state and now wishes he had robbed a bank and sent all 3. His elder son is sitting his A-levels next year and is a bit of a genius of sorts. the other two who are not as acedemic, are realy struggling in the state system, huge classes etc, but he cant afford to put them in the same school as thier brother.

My husband won a full scholarship to private school...( a bursery was created especially for him at 6th form due to his sporting achievments, as places didnt exist after GCSE's) it was a school with a lot of forces children so although there were the wealthy bracket attending, there were also a lot of children from similar backgrounds to himself. Even with a full scholarship .. it still cost his parents about £1,000 - £1,500 extra to keep him there .. after trips, etc. They felt if he were at the school then he had to be able to do everything offered to him.

Our friends daughter is now at the same school and the duke of edingburgh award scheme trip before christmas is costing £600. They are sending her on it, as she wants to go .. and they said they knew there were going to be times like this when they would have to find extra money. Her mum says they will find the money and her daughter knows and appreciates what chance she has been given.

My husband thrived at his school and most definately would not be the person he is or have the achievements he has behind him if he had attended the local comp. We plan on sending all 3 of our children some how !!! We've 5 years for a master plan before our eldest is 11.

Very hard decision ..your son is a lucky boy to get this opportunity.

welshnoonoo

Seriously - thank you all for your posts. You all have very valid points and it is particularly interesting to hear your personal experiences funky-footprints.

I would say that the school in question is not one of the Elite Mega expensive private schools, and that I would not be at all surprised if there were other kids there in the same boat as us but as pboae you pointed out - I am worried that he may be singled out as we may not be able to afford to send him on all the trips etc.

I guess the first hurdle is to see whether or not they even offer him a bursary and then take it from there - I must admit, it is giving me sleepless nights right now.

silvercar

there are quite a few scholarship kids at my son's school, they all seem to know who is on scholarship and the boys really don't care. they are some ordinary kids, some really rich kids, some whose parents have clearly made sacrifices to send there children there and some on scholarship. Altogether a really mixed bunch. Don't feel your child would be the odd one out, send him there if you think it will be the right school. If the school is good it will be aware that there could be issues if it takes a couple of kids that won't fit in, so will make sure it doesn't happen.

ruthyjo

I moved my older son to an independent school on a bursary because it was the right thing to do for him. We still pay 75% of the fees.

We obviously are a lot less wealthy than the majority of families who use the school, although there are some people like us (4 bed detached but no mansion, two cars but both ageing etc). DS is only ten and at the moment this is not an issue at all. There has never been a problem with him socialising. Children come and spend time with us. He sometimes goes to another's house and regales us with tales of how "posh" it is, but shows no signs of being discontent with our lifestyle or victimised for it. He has also kept up with his old school friends with none of them judging him stuck up or similar and he goes to local sports clubs etc.

However my DS2 also achieved a bursary and it was not an opportunity we could offer to one child and not the others. He has gone too, although I think he would have thrived in the local school anyway. He is getting benefit, but it hasn't made the fantastic difference it has for DS1. You mention that your child is the "middle" one so I presume that like us you have three children. I think you ought to think very carefully about whether you can make this financial sacrifice for just one of your children. It could cause massive issues in the family if you deny your other children the same opportunity. We are very glad our DD is six years younger so boys will be leaving as she starts!

Costs on top of actual fees have been:
hundreds of pounds on school uniform - four flavours of pe kit for the winter term being the biggest cost (rugby, x country, indoor and swimming - all logoed so have to be bought from the right shop).
bus - £4 per child per day
School trips - not sure if these are necessarily more expensive than a state school. We've had to pass on the optional skiing trips etc which we could have afforded without school fees. This year DS1 has about three hundred pounds worth of compulsory trips inc a residential (y6) and DS2 (y5) about £130 (also including a residential weekend).
PTA events/ school concerts etc are quite expensive admission wise.
Have to do a thirty mile round trip every time we need to go to the school or DS2 misses the bus (three times last half term).

We also are in the position were quite a small pay rise could lead to us losing the bursaries and having to find more fees so are afraid of earning more money.

However it has been the best thing we have ever done for DS1 and I wish we had done it years ago. I'm willing to drive the same car into the ground, never leave the uk again, live with a seventies bathroom suite etc etc to channel all my money into school fees whilst it means my child is happy and appreciated at school rather than miserable and disruptive as he was previously.

welshnoonoo

Thanks for your input. Ruthjoy - your point about offering an opportunity to one child and not the other is extremely valid. I am one of 4 children and the only child not to attend private school - I am not sure that I resent it, but my academic qualifications certainly suffered. My state school was extremely poor and I was the sort of child that needed pushing.

My 2 eldest are quite self-driven but even so, this is still an opportunity.

My youngest child child is 5 years younger and my husband's earning ability should be on the increase as he is newly in business and doing quite well but you just never know.

It is all so frightening and I have always been one for not "upsetting the apple cart" and not moving the kids schools due to bad experiences of my own so I am worried that if we moved him to this particular school and couldn't keep up financially - that moving him would cause more damage.

To be honest I am at the point where I think if it meant me working 2 jobs to do it, then that is what I would have to do!

But - I am still unsure!!!

inkie

I would check in details the details of the bursary/scholarship. We are trying for a scholarship for our DD for next sept - the particular one that is available is only available to girls who are in a state school at the moment and are likely to get level 5 in SATs which she is. It willpay for all of the fees (providing income is below a certain level), all essential trips, uniform, and so iof it comes off, there will be no extra to pay! Furthermore, even the teachers do not know which girls are on bursaries and so there is no way of the other kids knowing - unless they divulge this themselves.

Savvy_Sue

DEFINITELY check how much the school uniform costs! Socks, £7 from Harrods, was one I heard of :eek: (and it's not a London school!) and that was a few years ago, so goodness knows how much they'd be now!

welshnoonoo

inkie wrote:

I would check in details the details of the bursary/scholarship. We are trying for a scholarship for our DD for next sept - the particular one that is available is only available to girls who are in a state school at the moment and are likely to get level 5 in SATs which she is. It willpay for all of the fees (providing income is below a certain level), all essential trips, uniform, and so iof it comes off, there will be no extra to pay! Furthermore, even the teachers do not know which girls are on bursaries and so there is no way of the other kids knowing - unless they divulge this themselves.

Wow Inkie - that sounds absolutely fantastic! Good Luck with getting her in.

This particular school will allow kids to apply for both a sports bursary and an academic one, which I think pays for the majority of the fees but to have all the trips etc paid for as well is fantastic. Also the fact that the kids don't know which kids are scholarship kids is interesting too.

Thanks Savvy_Sue if we get further I will definitely check that out!