how to maximise chance of custody

ymcas

seven-day-weekend wrote:

I think at 11 the son is old enough to have some say in this. If his dad has looked after him for most of his life, won't the lad miss him dreadfully?

Why should a father who took a 'large part' in the upbringing of his son now lose him?

Sorry, I think I might have come accross a little wrong.:( My friend certainly does not want to pull her son away from his dad. She absolutely wants both parents heavily invovled in his upbringing however:

1. She has a friend who actually agreed to joint residency for her daughter who now thinks it was the wrong thing for the child as "she doesn't know where she lives".
2. She knows that if she had residency she would ensure that the boy saw his father very regularly, however she's not sure that the father would do likewise if he had residency. Also both sets of grandparents live 4 hours drive away and although my friend has a large support network of friends round here, her husband is more of a loner. I think she is concerned that he would take the boy away to live nearer his parents as they may be the only support he can rely on.

hobo28

ymcas wrote:

1. She has a friend who actually agreed to joint residency for her daughter who now thinks it was the wrong thing for the child as "she doesn't know where she lives".

If thats the only reason she doesn't like the joint residency arrangement then its a pretty poor reason!

ymcas wrote:

She knows that if she had residency she would ensure that the boy saw his father very regularly, however she's not sure that the father would do likewise if he had residency.

A joint residency does not mean that he could just up sticks and move if thats what she is afraid of.

Still I think she needs to sit down and discuss it. What it sounds like to me is she wants to be able to dictate what happens and that isn't fair.

seven-day-weekend

I definitely think they should go for joint residency.. Some friends of mine did this by telling the children that the family now 'lived in two houses instead of one - mummy's house and daddy's house' (although their children are younger than 11).

sarymclary

Your friend needs to pluck up the courage to speak to her husband and enter into discussions about what they both want. They are bound not to agree on quite a few matters, especially if the husband is not likely to want the divorce. This made me a little curious; is he unaware of marital problems, or is he quite happy for them to be in an unhappy marriage as opposed to none at all? (I was in this latter category).
Having been through 2 years of divorce proceedings, I can assure you that it can be an absolute minefield, especially where the children are concerned. I was also advised to keep my children with me, or just stay in the marital home.
At 11 years old the child would be considered mature enough in a court of law to choose which parent to live with. Their is a special part of the court called CAFCASS which deals with this. All 4 of my children were interviewed (alone) by them at the time they were aged 3, 5, 9 and 11. CAFCASS deemed that the children had indicated through various methods of questioning (booklet, pictures & verbal) that they wanted to see both parents, but didn't want the parents to not be friends too.
If your friend has any problems initially I'd recommend she try to go for mediation (which is much cheaper than a solicitor) who strive to help both parties thrash out an agreeable way to divorce.
There are no guarantees about residency, and as it sounds like both parents have had an even hand in the child's upbringing so far, it may well stay that way, even if they're separated, and she should be prepared for that.
It sounds to me that she's scared of losing her child, which is understandable, but her husband is going to feel just the same way, so it's in both their best interests to get equal reasonable access.
I wish your friend all the best of luck, she's going to need it!

ymcas

sarymclary wrote:

This made me a little curious; is he unaware of marital problems, or is he quite happy for them to be in an unhappy marriage as opposed to none at all? (I was in this latter category).

To be fair I think the husband has only just become aware of how bad things are. My friend has been pretending (to herself and to him) that things are ok for a long time (probably years). Both of them are religious and really beleive in marriage and so I guess this is why my friend hasn't said or done anything before. About 6 weeks ago an incident just tipped the balance and made her realise how she had been feeling for ages. Now she struggles to be in the same space as husband, and he doesn't help this very much by pressurising her when they are together. He thinks they can solve things by him starting to work from home again instead of away during the week, that time together will allow them to work this out. Unfortunately the thought of husband being home 24/7 fills my friend with panic as she doesn't think she can handle him at home full time.

hobo28

As someone who also work's from home I can understand where your friend is coming from. If the relationship isn't rock solid, working from home will make things worse.

Actually scratch that. It won't make things "worse", just accelerate the demise.

BWZN93

hobo28 wrote:

I'd be careful though at giving an 11 year old child that responsibility and power. 13-14+ maybe but I'm not so sure at 11 that it would be fair or great parenting. QUOTE]

I dont think thats a strictly accurate thing to say at all. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I remember distinctly wanting to be given the choice where I wanted to live, and wasnt given one. Unfortunately, this meant I was carted off without any warning with my mother to live 300 miles away with a complete jerk she eventually married and ended up living with domestic abuse for 6 years. I KNEW at 7yrs old that I wanted to live with my dad in my family home, this is something I remember clear as a bell to this day, and at 12yrs old was quite clear to a therapist that I should have been given the choice.

I appreciate that sometimes parents know best but I think its a complete fallacy to suggest that any 11yr old doesnt know their own mind. Yes, it might be used as a weapon by some kids but I think that is entirely dependant on the disposition of the kid. Sometimes, they are clearer about what they want than parents care to listen to.

Jo x