how to maximise chance of custody

ymcas

Hi,

Have a friend who is considering leaving husband for various reasons I won't go into. Husband worked from home and hence took a large part in upbringing of son (now aged 11), however has worked away from home during the week for the past 18 months. Husband now planning to work from home again and my friend doesn't think she can cope living with him again. Everyone including CAB says don't leave the family home, and if you do, keep kid with you. But how can my friend live in a different house to husband, keep the kid and mininise emotional impact on him , particularly as husband isn't likely to be too keen on the idea:rolleyes: Friend really concerned that husband will use kid as a pawn. Kid is all husband will have left and I can see him really fighting hard for custody. Any advice appreciated.

hobo28

ymcas wrote:

Husband worked from home and hence took a large part in upbringing of son (now aged 11), however has worked away from home during the week for the past 18 months. Husband now planning to work from home again and my friend doesn't think she can cope living with him again...........But how can my friend live in a different house to husband, keep the kid and mininise emotional impact on him , particularly as husband isn't likely to be too keen on the idea:rolleyes:

Firstly why shouldn't a man who by your own admission has played a large part in his son's upbringing fight hard for residence (not custody). Is there any reason he isn't able to look after his son just as well as his mum? I mean if he was a danger or incapable, why did she not leave him earlier? Why roll your eyes at the suggestion that he would fight hard???? I would applaud him for doing so.

I don't think you can have your cake and eat it. If your friend really wants to minimise the impact, come to a sensible agreement about how son can spend decent time with both parents then tell the son.

Friend really concerned that husband will use kid as a pawn.

If your friend is concerned her husband will use son as a pawn, I'd remind her that her son is an 11 yr old child is not an object to take with you as proceeds of a divorce.

The child's needs should come first. Maybe its just the way you've written but it just sounds to me like your friend wants to have everything her way. Sorry but it doesn't work like that.

seven-day-weekend

I think at 11 the son is old enough to have some say in this. If his dad has looked after him for most of his life, won't the lad miss him dreadfully?

Why should a father who took a 'large part' in the upbringing of his son now lose him?

Bossyboots

Have to agree with all hobo has put and sdw.

The child can only become a pawn if both parents let him and it sounds to me like it is mum who is already set on doing that.

Just because a woman (or man) decides a marriage is over, does not mean they can simply walk away and take the child with them. If she wants to leave because she does not want to live with this man, then fair enough, she can break up that relationship but it doesn't mean she should break up the father and son relationship as well.

N9eav

My brother was in a similar situation. Both parties must try to find a mutually acceptable agreement for the welfare of the children. If they can agree without going to courts etc, it make things so much easier on the children.

lauren_1

At 11 the child would be old enough and has enough instinct to decide who he wants to live with WITHOUT PRESSURE from either sides, when pressure is added then the child becomes the pawn. It is not automatic that the children now go with the mums anymore, dads are more than capable of doing the upbringing. I think your friend needs a serious chat with her partner or come to a joint custody arangement because no family court will give sole residency to either parent without a good reason.

hobo28

I'd be careful though at giving an 11 year old child that responsibility and power. 13-14+ maybe but I'm not so sure at 11 that it would be fair or great parenting. What about when inevitably the child gets punished, does he then say "Right I've changed my mind, I'm going to live with x now!"

I totally agree though that they both need to sit down as adults and thrash out from the sounds of things a fair joint residence agreement.

viktory

hobo28 wrote:

I'd be careful though at giving an 11 year old child that responsibility and power. 13-14+ maybe but I'm not so sure at 11 that it would be fair or great parenting. What about when inevitably the child gets punished, does he then say "Right I've changed my mind, I'm going to live with x now!"

I totally agree though that they both need to sit down as adults and thrash out from the sounds of things a fair joint residence agreement.

I agree that the power certainly shouldn't be handed to the child, but at 11 s/he is certainly able to express an opinion.

Contains_Mild_Peril

It will be best all round if an amicable arrangement can be reached so the child gets to spend plenty of time with both parents. However, if the mother suspects that her husband will fight for sole residency rather than agree to a more reasonable arrangement, it may be wise to take him with her when she leaves, if the kid's OK with that (don't drag him kicking and screaming if he refuses). Courts will tend to want to avoid unsettling a child by changing any existing arrangements too much.
She should try to organise things so as to minimise the trauma he will experience. When my mum left my dad (I was nearly 13 at the time) and took me and my siblings, it happened quite suddenly (although she later admitted she'd been thinking about it for a while) and I didn't have time to pack my stuff or anything, and everything seemed quite chaotic. It was very disorientating.

fabianne

I think a 'shared residence' order would be granted,the child would have some say in the matter at 11 by the Courts.
Problems may be that the husband may want to retain the marital home as he works from there,this may be a tool to use against your friend as he could argue that it would keep the child more stable?
It would be best all round if they decided on an arrangement amicably,for everyone's sake.Being dragged thro court process is very stressful for all parties and the only people who gain are the solicitor's.
My kids have been dragged through it twice by their father playing games-it has been hard work for me to keep them stable against his bitterness and evil tricks.Kids are resiliant and come through it-but it best to be handled well,with thought and not to get into the 'love-tug' scenario,as I think it can confuse and alienate the child when one party is so bitter,they will stop at nothing(even the kids)in order to dish out a punishment.
Kids also learn fast how to manipulate the situation...

fabianne

I wouldn't leave without the child though-I know someone who did that and she had to fight for her and has still not even got joint custody.
As they are married,they will have joint parental responsibilty.The child should be mature enough to want both his parents happy.