how to help my niece?

onestep

My niece is 15, and is being subtly bullied at school - nothing physical, but talking behind backs, and I think the odd FB thing. She has an up and down home life, doesn't see her Dad (prize FW) although her younger brother does. I'm pretty sure she's depressed, and I want to help but don't really know how. My DD is 7, so I've no experience of teenagers! I know we all go through patches when in our teens, but when does it stop being a patch?

My parents (her grandparents) have recently moved abroad, and my niece was and is upset about that, because she's very close to both of them.

I'd really appreciate any suggestions/advice/guidance on how to approach this situation. Obviously I don't have the authority to approach school, but is there something constructive I can do??

onestep

cavework

Hi
Has she told you this herself ?

onestep

That she's being bullied? She didn't call it that, but yes. She said that some girls were being nasty but that she was trying to ignore them. I hugged her & tried to reassure her that it would pass. She's so obviously unhappy though, it breaks my heart.

meritaten

have a word with her parents hun if you wont be breaking a confidence. THEY are the ones to talk to the school and bring this to their attention. But, if she can confide in you then at least she is talking to someone, one of the worst things for the bullied is not being able to talk about it!
Practical measures - difficult this, as I dont know the child. for a shy introverted type, I would suggest confidence building activities such as involvement in Theatre or the Arts where she gets appreciated and supported. Physical activity is good too, Dance, or wall climbing or martial arts if they are into fitness or music.
on a personal level - then just be yourself - she obviously trusts you! but perhaps you could make a little more time for her? girly afternoons shopping? sleepovers with a soppy DVD, chocs, and plenty of tissues?

snoop2008

onestep wrote: »

My niece is 15, and is being subtly bullied at school - nothing physical, but talking behind backs, and I think the odd FB thing. She has an up and down home life, doesn't see her Dad (prize FW) although her younger brother does. I'm pretty sure she's depressed, and I want to help but don't really know how. My DD is 7, so I've no experience of teenagers! I know we all go through patches when in our teens, but when does it stop being a patch?

My parents (her grandparents) have recently moved abroad, and my niece was and is upset about that, because she's very close to both of them.

I'd really appreciate any suggestions/advice/guidance on how to approach this situation. Obviously I don't have the authority to approach school, but is there something constructive I can do??

onestep

Hello there Onstep,

It sounds as if she may just be wondering about those she is close with or want to be close are no longer around. It's not easy is it for young teenagers today. One thing I do understand, when young people feel a part of a family, and they have connections, they feel part of family life, that makes a huge difference. That connection is so important and being close to her grandparents , can feel as if she has lost them. Also she is aware that her dad in not around, and these things could upset her.

She is also growing up and her feelings and emotions are changing. I know when my daugther was that age, she would fly off at the slightest remark or just withdraw into herself. We did have some family issues at the time and this just made her feel low and when girls at school use to say horrible things to her, she took it to heart because she was feeling vulnerable in herself. I don't think it really was the remarks that upset her, but whenever we feel down for whatever reasons , a nasty comment can upset , compared to when we feel confident, that same comment would not have any affect.

I think just have a little chat with her. She what she says. If you have a webcam, I know it's not the same as having her grandparent here, but she could talk to them and see them and keep that communication open.

As for the remarks at school, if she finds it differcult then ask her if it would help to speak to someone at school. They do have school counsellors to help young people if need be.

All the best

cavework

I'm going to be a bit hard so sorry OP this is just me playing devils advocate so forgive me
Kids of 15 have the hide of tissue paper . The most important thing in their lives is being accepted and when they come across mates of the same age who take the **** as all kids this age do it hurts.
Facebook is the way gossip and bi*****g is done these days by kids this age. I hate the darned site!
But it is no different from the way all 15 year olds have behaved for the last 30 odd years .
She has had a tough time but I bet by next week things will be 'Brill' .. the following week they may well be 'c***'..
It is her age .. just be there but don't build up her teenage worries into a huge issue , she will not thank you for it.
x

Wendy5704

Hi, My 12 yr old niece went through a similar thing in October. She hangs round with the popular girls at school and 2 of the girls used to go to primary school together but this 1 girl started going to town with my niece and coming to her house and so on and the other one got jealous and fell out with my niece. Then the other girls followed suite so my niece was on her own. They would give her comments and jibes and she would say she was on her own all the time. My sister spoke to the school and they kept an eye on things. Anyway not sure what happened but the girl suddenly decided it was silly and they are all friends again. My niece is hanging round with a wider circle of friends too which is good. I would hate to be a teenager nowadays. I think the best thing to do is keep talking to her so she knows she will always have someone who will listen to her. Goold luck op and hopefully it will sort out quickly.

onestep

Thanks everyone for your comments, I appreciate all of them

meritaten

but please keep an eye on the situation. your neice may have downplayed it to gauge your reaction. You know her, so you are best placed to decide whether involving her parents would be justified. I would be looking out for spending more time alone, not having friends around, spending more time on computer (even if they are bullied on effB they spend a lot of time on there trying to get friends or justifying themselves). a few questions to the parents may ease your mind - without breaking any confidences. Or you may decide that a direct approach to them is appropriate.

Furny

OP-What makes you think you don't have the authority to contact school?.My friend was in the same situation when her niece confided in her but really didn't want her parents to know, so she contacted school told them the story the form tutors got her niece in for a talk & the bullys & it stopped straight away!. I think talking to school is the only way to make it stop!.

onestep

I will definitely keep an eye out, her mum (my sister) has gone on holiday with her OH this week (I know this will not be helping).. The OH's son (20ish) is staying at their place while they're away. I've said she's more than welcome to stay at my place so we'll see.