Caring for elderly parent- would you move?

Newly_retired

DH's mother is now deteriorating to the point where she seems to have shut down emotionally, except when DH is around. As we live over 200 miles away, he does not get there as often as he would like.
Her care package is all sorted, so physically and medically she is looked after.
She is almost 93 - nobody can tell how long she may last but the signs are not good.
I think DH may be considering temporarily moving down to live with her. He is not retired, so that is not an easy decision. If we knew it was for 2 - 3 weeks/ months, it could be arranged, I'm sure.
Does anyone have experience of this kind of arrangement?
Would you move, on this basis?
( I don't mean sell up and move, just go and live with her for as long as it needs.)

Al1x

Not quite the same but when my grandma (who lived 2 hours away) became too ill to look after herself and after a spell in hospital my parents moved her into a carehome local to us. They both work and so it was the best thing to do , also as all the family are local she gets plenly of visits from us all (That was almost 4 years ago and shes still going strong )


Does your mother in law have other family where she lives now?

Newly_retired

Not really. There is a cousin who visits but is not close enough to go more than once a week, if that. it's a very small family.
She has lived in her town on her own for many years, so has lots of friends, and the neighbours are good.

Errata

Your difficulty is not being able to predict how long your OH would need to stay with his mother. My stepdad who lives in a care home has now been on end of life care for 12 months, his GP who is experienced in end of life care has no idea how he's managed to keep going and no idea how much longer he can keep going.

easy

Really tough decision. Often it's easier to move the elderly person to be near you, but if she has a good medical & personal care package in place, I know that can be really difficult to re-arrange.
The other thing to bear in mind is the effect on your OH. Okay even IF he can get extended leave from work, altho it seems lovely to be able to spend her last weeks/months with his mother, it's also going to be tough on him, having all that time to spend watching his mother decline . Would you be there too, to give him emotional support?

Ms_Chocaholic

My first thought was does your DH have siblings that he could share the responsibility with

pollypenny

No solutions, just sympathy, NR. We were able go to9 see father once a month (160 miles away). Unfortunately, either of my sisters could be a***d.

themull1

Could your husband not ring her every day instead, she could be ok for a year or more, there would be no point moving down there, to just have to come back after a few years, could she move in with you and have the care where you live?

Savvy_Sue

Errata wrote: »

Your difficulty is not being able to predict how long your OH would need to stay with his mother.

indeed, I know one lady who cared for her mother at home until mother was well over 100! do you know what ages other family members lived to?

Can your MIL be asked about moving?

would regular visits to stay with you be an option?

I don't think I could do it.

Newly_retired

Many thanks for all your replies.
It was a theroetical question yesterday, but today it is looking as if going into residential care might be the best option.
No there are no siblings.
MIL cannot even cope with a phone call any more. She knows it is DH speaking but cannot seem to process a conversation on the phone ( though OK in real life).
She can no longer get out of bed unaided and the carer is no allowed to help her by herself so social services are looking at increasing her to two carers at a time or financing residential care.
She is on patches for her pain but they don't seem to get changed often enough.
We have had 4 phone calls already today from various people involved in her care or in decision making.

pollypenny

This is so sad, NR.

Shoot me before I get old!