We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.

This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

New year, new start

13

Comments

  • Sorry your having a hard time at the mo! It will get easier and when you have worked out what money you have spare and what you can use for debts etc you will feel a little more under control...fingers crossed.
    Its hard looking after the kids all day, looking after the house, doing healthy meals and then on top trying to work out how you will ever get to a debt free day!! It takes a while and try not to beat yourself up to much.
    Have you done a SOA which there is a link for on the front page?? People will ba able to help you with where you might be able to cut down on money etc. Also if it shows you should have some money left its a good idea to do a spending diary for a mth and see where you spending.
    You should be entitled to tax credits and i think they can back date it for 3 mths from when you apply - so get it quick so you dont miss out on to much more. I think you can go to your local job center to find out if your entitled to any other benifits??
    Good luck and im sure you will do great x
    GC: Nov: £60.22/£450 Oct: £338.48/£450, July: £363.05/£450, June £447.98/£500
    £2 savers No68: £104/£100 :j
    :jmummy to: 8yr, 5yr, 3yr, 2yr, 1yr. No6 Due Mar 2013 My world.:j
  • clippy_girl
    clippy_girl Posts: 2,283 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    Hi Rachel,

    thought i would pop in and say hi! someone mentioned mystery shopping but tbh a lot of assignments you have to do alone and are not allowed to take young children in case they distract you. however i would recommend signing up to react as they do lots of attraction mystery shops where you get entrance, get snacks, souveiners etc... some of them would be suitable and whilst they dont really pay as such (as you are reimbursed for what you pay) it would give you some free things to do with the children or hubby. retail eyes do restuarant visits which again are reimb only but if you could get a babysitter then you and hubby could have a nice free meal.

    also i would recommend you sign up to edigital surveys. you basically just review websites, eg how easy to use, how long it takes to get a response to an email enquiry etc... they dont pay that much but i like them as i can do them in my pjs watching tv. might be something you could do whilst the twins are sleeping. however you can make quite a bit from them as they do ones where you make a purchase and assess how long it takes to arrive and then they do refund sections. they pay you extra for these to cover cost of delivery, returns etc... but if you are clever you can keep most of this. eg when decided what site to survey, check if they do free delivery over a certain amount, free returns etc... if you have to pay for returns its not always bad, just order a vest and it only costs about 50p to return! once you have done a few, if there are lots of surveys available you can email and say you have a lot of time on your hands and they can allocate you loads to do if you want. i got about £80 for 5 purchase and return surveys and only spent a few £ on postage/returns.

    you will need to register with hmrc for tax but i believe you can do so many and it wont affect your benefits (benefits board will prob be able to advise).

    you can find the mystery shopping thread here- https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2923524 it has links to all the companies above

    good luck :)
    :j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j
  • RachelS
    RachelS Posts: 213 Forumite
    edited 9 January 2011 at 8:38PM
    Thankyou all so much for your excellent advice, this forum is wonderful! I'll be putting it all into practice in the next few days and will let you know how it goes.

    It will be a busy week ahead, tried to have a relaxing day today. Made flapjacks with stuff we already had in the house...isn't it funny how old-fashioned recipes are so much more economical. No throwing 4 bars of 75% cocoa dark chocolate into the mix! From a time when high calorie was good because it saved some money!

    I can't help but notice from other threads that a lot of us here have quite severe weight problems. I know I do. Not just the extra few pounds that have crept on over the years, but real, comfort bingeing eating disorders? Makes me wonder about the link between being overweight and being in debt. Not just the obvious - if we eat twice as much food as we need, we'll pay twice as much for it as someone who isn't overweight (more if we're takeaway addicts). But I was thinking of suffering from anxiety issues and using food to escape a bit from reality...like we do with overspending. And escaping from reality means we're less likely to face up to our problems...with food and with money...until the situation gets so bad it can't be ignored?
  • RachelS
    RachelS Posts: 213 Forumite
    Got up at 6.30 to plan my day as I didn't do it last night. Checked my bank balance and my day will be a lot less busy than I thought...the agency which manages my property (about 200 miles away) has not forwarded me the rent due from my tenant this month. When I complained last week they told me the tenant had paid and assured me the money would be with me by the 10th, but probably a couple of days earlier.

    I have so much shopping and so many billls due and I am going to have to put it off another day and keep eating out of the freezer. I owe £120 in council tax and am scared of going over the deadline in case I get a summons for the rest of the amount, which I can't afford to pay.

    Furious!

    On a better note...it's Monday...it's an incredibly, incredibly busy week ahead...better get on and make a great success of it!

    Happy Monday Moneysaving all!
  • RachelS
    RachelS Posts: 213 Forumite
    edited 11 January 2011 at 10:51AM
    I have spent too much time since my LBM on January 5th thinking about the past. I've been grieving, really, for the chances I've lost and opportunities I've wasted, for the great career I could have had and chucked away, for the £1000s I've thrown away that I could have used to give my family a bigger house, a better diet, a better life, etc etc etc.

    I've spent too much time letting my self-esteem be affected by blaming myself for past actions and worrying about 'keeping up with the Joneses' in terms of future income, house size etc.

    The reality is:

    Dwelling on the past like this is hindering me, not helping me.

    I did the best I could at the time.

    My life isn't so bad.

    So no more beating myself up and over-thinking things. That doesn't mean not being accountable...in fact it means being more accountable, since hopefully my stress levels will reduce and I'll be able to focus on getting the work I need to done.

    Carrying on with my small DFW steps today, and thinking a little bit about what career I would like that is practical for me to start now.
  • keep thinking positive thoughts :D
    Total debt- 2982.00 Now- £2890.00
  • like you say noo point dwelling on the past! Glad your feeling postitve and im sure all the postive thoughts will help you on your DF journey :):)
    GC: Nov: £60.22/£450 Oct: £338.48/£450, July: £363.05/£450, June £447.98/£500
    £2 savers No68: £104/£100 :j
    :jmummy to: 8yr, 5yr, 3yr, 2yr, 1yr. No6 Due Mar 2013 My world.:j
  • trixiepix
    trixiepix Posts: 299 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Hey hun,

    I totally understand where you're at!!! - it's so easy to dwell on the if's and but's of life ( i reflect on what i should have done over the past 20 years but didn't - through away a career in law, didn't buy a house when we had the money, i could go on.... and on...... and on.....lol!!) but the only thing dwelling does is make us feel more blue and more likely to roll with the ' what the hell' mentality which would get us all in even more trouble!!

    Referring back to your previous point regarding weight and debt - my personal take on it (excuse me whilst i just step onto my soap box:rotfl:) is for me it's a control thing, if i'm out of control with my eating then i'm out of control with my spending and i'm not taking as much care as i should of the house and i can't really be bothered to plan meals which in turn means take aways which i shouldn't be affording and so it goes on but when i am on eating well then i feel so much more in control of everything else in my life - this is probably just my own absolutely barking take on life but hey thought i would share:D

    xx

    CATALOGUE - £500
    WEIGHT LOSS - 10 of 65lbs
    SAVINGS £500 of £2500 by 2018
  • RachelS
    RachelS Posts: 213 Forumite
    Oh Trixie I am so with you on those things! Absolutely true!

    Well, guys, this is not exactly the post I thought I'd be sharing today. I had it all planned out, a very positive post...I have stuck tight to my new budget all week, I have come in under and shaved a few pounds off which is very needed at this point, I've been phoning my creditors and sorting CAB appointments, got lots of watchers on eBay, etc, etc...

    But it's all been overshadowed by a terrible financial and emotional shock. I am very much in need of your advice.

    I think my husband is a compulsive liar. He himself has told me this. We've been married for 5 years and he's been lying to me about money every step of the way. He's a terrible procrastinator. The lies started fairly small...he'd get a speeding ticket, pay it from our joint account and never tell me, not thinking I'd find out. Since he's not British and was driving on a foreign licence at the time, the fines were so hefty I was bound to find out. He owed debts in his home country. We had plenty of money to pay them off. I begged him every week for 4 years to phone up and make the payments. It took that long to sort it.

    It didn't matter too much then, I just thought he was disorganised. We had no children and plenty of money. But, since we had children, his lies have become more frequent and more dangerous. He tells me he has paid things when he hasn't. I first learned of it when a bailiff from Bristow & Sutor turned up on my doorstep because of unpaid council tax. Long story short, I thought we'd got past it but yesterday 2 letters came through my door. One for unpaid gas and electricity, with charges to the tune of £250. He had sworn blind to me he'd paid it. One for council tax...get this, he has lied to me every month for a year and we owe £1274, for which we have a court summons for Jan 27th. I thought we still owed £500, to be paid in installments by March. Our budget was tough enough and involved selling lots of things. We simply can't pay this.

    What hurts the most is that he'd seen me have my LBM, I have spent hours and hours in the last week sorting out our financial situation and making a plan to manage our debt. He knew how tough it was going to be as it was, he knew how stressed I was. Although he's been promising to get a second job for months (his idea), even in the last week he's made no attempt to do so and little attempt to help with budgeting except for cutting back on spending to match the budget (as far as I know, anyway). All along he knew this surprise was waiting for me.

    It's a nightmare. He says he just couldn't tell me. But he still isn't helping me make a plan to deal with this, just says he doesn't know what to do. I know he has a hard time with money, his parents used to fight like cats and dogs over it, he remembers being called downstairs in the middle of the night at age 4 or 5 to arbitrate in their budgeting arguments. He made a doctor's appointment to get some help with the depression and stress he's feeling over this...but he didn't turn up.

    I want to help him, but we have 2 children now, we are at breaking point with finances and I don't know where to turn. His depression/martyred attitude over it makes me feel so alone, he is no help at all. He is good at talking the talk but I have learned over the years it means nothing.

    If someone else was in this position, I'd wonder why they hadn't ended the relationship. I'd say they were an idiot. He has made another doctor's appointment to get help, but the fact of the matter is I don't trust him. I love him and I love his company, but on a practical level he makes my life worse every day.

    I now don't know where to turn. I know my dad would lend me the money until my back payments for tax credits come through, but I'd feel obliged to cover up what my husband has done since I don't want to destroy his relationship with my family. That means I'm going to look like an imbecile talking to my dad because I'm just going to have to act like I made no attempt to rectify the situation to this point.

    I'm not trying to say my husband should take all the blame for the situation. I mean, for goodness' sake, it took me 13 months after the birth of my children to claim my tax credits...I've chucked away thousands and thousands of pounds. I used to spend £15 a day in Waitrose on nothing just because it was in a convenient location. I'll hold up my own hands...but I can't deal with the lies any more. I know I should support my husband while he gets better, but he's told me flat out he can't guarantee he won't lie to me again, and I can't control every aspect of his life. He lies about everything. We had a dentist's appointment last week, I'd told him about it several times since November and asked him to tell work. He told me he had, so I mentioned it to a friend there today, and he'd told them he'd been at a work meeting. I just can't deal with feeling like I don't have a partner and waiting for the next nasty surprise. He could have done anything to me and I'd never know.

    If he leaves, because of his visa situation, he will have to return home. He won't be able to see his children - or offer us much financial support. More to the point, I love him, he genuinely doesn't mean to do these things. I sound like a total sap, don't I? I just can't continue like this any more.
  • trixiepix
    trixiepix Posts: 299 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Oh hun you are in a really difficult place at the moment (((hugs))).

    In most respects i am in no position to pull up my soap box here as my marriage has been hanging by a thread on more than one occasion and is still teetering on the edge (my OH works away which is fine, it's when he's home there's problems- lol - truly i don't wish to make a joke of it but it's a case of laugh or cry) plus my debt is a secret from him, as much as i have never lied about the debt (as it wouldn't cross his mind that i had found myself in a pickle) i've certainly not fessed up about it either.

    Sometimes (in my own experience) something happens and it brings forward all of the other stuff that has happened in recent years or months which in turn makes you wonder why you are still in the same situation, but it may be just the shock of the current issue that is making you want to head for the hills.

    Trust is such a massive part of any relationship, otherwise you are walking on eggshell's wondering what's around the corner.
    Would it be viable for you to take over the whole of the finances?? My OH did just that when i got myself in a bit of a pickle previously (but then i just went and got myself a couple of credit cards -oops, mainly because he is as tight as a mouse's ear) but we are in a much, much better financial position because of it.

    You need to clear the existing amount and if that means borrowing from family then that needs to be arranged, perhaps you could say you thought your partner had set up a direct debit but there was a mix up at the bank or something along those lines and due to your financial situation you hadn't realised - then at least your not taking the blame but not making him look the bad guy either.

    One thing i do kinda pick up on is that perhaps you are shouldering most of the responsibility of your debt, life and children - that's not fair (i know because that's pretty much what i do) and your partner may need a push in the right direction to be responsible for all of you.

    Take care hun

    xx

    CATALOGUE - £500
    WEIGHT LOSS - 10 of 65lbs
    SAVINGS £500 of £2500 by 2018
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 352.1K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 454.2K Spending & Discounts
  • 245.1K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 600.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 177.5K Life & Family
  • 258.9K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.