Parenting Help Forum

HappyIdiotTalk

I'll come clean, I dont really have a moneysaving slant for this post. But since this part of the forum deals with families and relationships and I'm/we're having problems with our 2 year old (plus 3 months) I thought I might be able to find some help here.

Basically our 2 year old has suddenly gone into the saying "no no no" to everything stage. This even includes Big Cook Little Cook on the telly bizarrely enough.

I accept this is normal (so does the wife), but we're not really sure how to deal with it. It started happening last week when she stopped wanting to eat food and has esculated to not wanting to brush teeth, sit at the table, go to bed... and practically everything else.

Now we obviously cant force her to eat food or brush her teeth, or do anything else she doesn't want to do. But at the same time we dont want her thinking that if she doesn't want to do something she doesn't have to or can play up to get out of doing it.

Has anyone got any advice? Or know of any good books I could buy on the subject? Or better still any websites I could browse, or proper parenting forums I could join?

Some background information I thought worth mentioning incase its related is:


1) We've just had a recent addition to the family 6 weeks ago so OH has to spend a lot of time sorting DD2 out throughout the day. DD1 hasn't really shown any signs of being jellous in anyway up until now. Delayed reaction? OH insists that she is still giving DD1 lots of attention, if not more than before.
2) DD1 is a little behind with her talking and communication. Friends kids who are same age and younger seem much more advanced. DD1 can say a few words, but not many sentences. ANd doesn't really communicate her needs. For example she doesn't tell us when she's hungry or thirty. Could she be frustrated?
3) She started nursery last week (thursday & friday afternoons). She didnt seem distressed at all while there but its obviously a significant change in her life.
4) I think she might have picked up a bit of a cold at nursery as she a bit sniffy. Maybe she's not feeling brilliant and this has brought it on. I gave her some Calpol about 20 minutes ago and she does seem to have perked up a bit.

If anyone has any advice or could point me in the right direction I'd really appreciate it. I'm at work during the day so miss most of this. But wife is really struggling and I dont know what to suggest.

TIA!

elona

Try telling DD what a big clever girl she is and how lovely it is that she is there.

Lots of reassurance of how special she is - and special time with mum or dad that is one to one.

finc

I find the Raising Kids invaluable for advice and re-assurance my kids are *normal* lol. There's quite a lot of info about children in different sections relating to age etc.

melt71

woe! she's had some major changes to deal with within the last few weeks and it may all be getting on top of her IMO.

Just a couple of points that you made - she isn't telling you when she is hungry/thirsty. Well kids don't! I still have to remind my daughter to get herself a snack if she is hungry if for example we are not eating dinner until late, and she is nearly 9!! They just accept that they are hungry and although they may gripe, they don't actually say the words very often, especially younger children. It's up to you to ask.

If she hasn't shown signs of jealousy she probably isn't, BUT she may be feeling a little put out that all this attention is going on the cute little bundle of joy in the crib rather than on her She may be playing up to get attention but more likely she is just finding her feet and seeing how hard she can't stamp them before she upsets mummy and daddy! 2 year olds are just about figuring out how to stretch boundries and it's important that you don't lose your cool but stick to your guns (both of you should have the same rules or this will confuse her even further).

I personally would be starting to reason with a child of this age, explain things to her rather than just ordering them to do stuff like you would do when a child is 1 - 18 months (ie no don't do that, don't touch, sit down, stop it etc) trying to reason calmly 'you have to brush your teeth because the tooth fairy will get upset if you they are dirty' (I never said you had to tell the truth ) also at this time of year father christmas works wonders!! lol use him now because she won't listen to this one in January!

I also agree with the previous post, she needs lots of reassurance that although there has been loads of changes lately, everything is ok, you still love her very much etc

Good luck.

melt71

oh forgot to say; she is a big sister now so when you are reasoning with her you can also say that she is a big girl and she's very good at being a big sister etc Kids LOVE that stuff, my daughter loves being a big sister to her half sister who is now 3.

1jim

we use www.baby-greenhouse.co.uk and have found it invaluable
hope that helps
jim

HappyIdiotTalk

melt71 wrote:

woe! she's had some major changes to deal with within the last few weeks and it may all be getting on top of her IMO.

Cant argue with that, it certainly has been all change over the last couple of months. The thing is that up until last week she seemed fine. Until then the only thing close to being an incident was when she saw with changing DD2's nappy which freaked her out. But once we'd explained we were hurting her she was fine.

melt71 wrote:

Just a couple of points that you made - she isn't telling you when she is hungry/thirsty. Well kids don't! I still have to remind my daughter to get herself a snack if she is hungry if for example we are not eating dinner until late, and she is nearly 9!! They just accept that they are hungry and although they may gripe, they don't actually say the words very often, especially younger children. It's up to you to ask.

Thats good to know, thankyou! One of the things we do is give her a drink as soon as she gets up, with any meals and before bed so she doesn't really have to ask for a drink... which we thought might be part of the problem. We thought that we might be so in tune with her that she doesnt have to ask for stuff because we can tell what she needs without her having to ask, and thats holding her back.

melt71 wrote:

If she hasn't shown signs of jealousy she probably isn't,

I'm convinced she isn't. It surprised me a little because I thought all children in this situation would be.

melt71 wrote:

BUT she may be feeling a little put out that all this attention is going on the cute little bundle of joy in the crib rather than on her She may be playing up to get attention but more likely she is just finding her feet and seeing how hard she can't stamp them before she upsets mummy and daddy!

I think you could be right about this finding her feet thing but my gut instinct says its not her trying to get attention or upset mummy and daddy, that just doesn't feel right to me. But I'll watch her a bit more closely with this in mind.

melt71 wrote:

2 year olds are just about figuring out how to stretch boundries and it's important that you don't lose your cool but stick to your guns (both of you should have the same rules or this will confuse her even further).

Definately. This is one of the things I've picked up from supernanny type programs. I'd back her mother up in front of her even if I thought she was wrong. I'm not having either of the kids play one of us off against the other. I accept they'll probably succeed from time to time, but we'll do what we can to minimise that.

melt71 wrote:

I personally would be starting to reason with a child of this age, explain things to her rather than just ordering them to do stuff like you would do when a child is 1 - 18 months (ie no don't do that, don't touch, sit down, stop it etc) trying to reason calmly 'you have to brush your teeth because the tooth fairy will get upset if you they are dirty' (I never said you had to tell the truth ) also at this time of year father christmas works wonders!! lol use him now because she won't listen to this one in January!

We do try and explain stuff, but I for one find it very hard because I dont believe she understands what I'm talking about. I certainly dont believe for a moment that she'd have any concept of what farther christmas is even if I spent half an hour telling her about it. Thats one of my main worries. I really do think that she should be understanding things a little more by this stage. I just cant wait for her to start talking so I can have conversations with her and explain things and reason. She's getting better slowly but most of the things she says is unintelligable!

melt71 wrote:

I also agree with the previous post, she needs lots of reassurance that although there has been loads of changes lately, everything is ok, you still love her very much etc

Good luck.

Thankyou, I think we're going to need it!

rls1973

i would recommend 'toddler taming' by dr christopher green,
isbn number 0-09-187528-5. it's really informative, full of advice/methods, but written in a way that will also really cheer you up and make you smile! it's really helped me many, many times.

HappyIdiotTalk

rls1973 wrote:

i would recommend 'toddler taming' by dr christopher green,
isbn number 0-09-187528-5. it's really informative, full of advice/methods, but written in a way that will also really cheer you up and make you smile! it's really helped me many, many times.

There are a few of these on eBay. Just bid on one.

Thankyou!

fsdss

i really wouldnt worry if i were you, she is displaying exactly the behaviour expected of a 2yr old.
by saying "no no no" to almost every request indicates that in her eyes it is just a way of gaining some attention from the baby so by ignoring this she will not continue for long. the lack of communication skills at 2 causes tantrums like you are describing in the least form. this will improve as she develops her speech
keep your routine normal and set out some quality time for just her.
cant really add much more than has been posted.

HappyIdiotTalk

fsdss wrote:

i really wouldnt worry if i were you, she is displaying exactly the behaviour expected of a 2yr old.
by saying "no no no" to almost every request indicates that in her eyes it is just a way of gaining some attention from the baby so by ignoring this she will not continue for long. the lack of communication skills at 2 causes tantrums like you are describing in the least form. this will improve as she develops her speech
keep your routine normal and set out some quality time for just her.
cant really add much more than has been posted.

I can see what your saying, but what if she needs to do something like brush her teeth, eat or go to bed... How would you handle those types of things? I can ignore her sitting down and saying 'no no no' out loud for no apparent reason, or at the TV ect... But I'm at a complete loss as to what should be done when she doesn't want to eat or sleep ect...

One of my mates told me I'm the most reluctant parent he knows... Does it show?